Staying off the ride 2 - Leaning Back

[Wendylon]

Hi Tumbling,

Good job going dark on Friday and Saturday (so far!) That's great.

You've asked me before if I perceive you as too available. I'll dissect this following text of yours and show you how I perceive it as making you seem available and very involved. There may be factors that I'm not aware of that make it less so than my interpretation of it and so I may sound overly tough. Please feel free to set me straight and please know that I'm not trying to sound critical. My intention is to be helpful

ME - Hi H, didn't want to ask before but when are you coming back this way, as there's this xxx here that needs to be done by month end? I'd like to discuss it with you.

1. Why say "didn't want to ask before"? It sounds as if you're giving your sitch lots of thought and it just sounds a bit complicated and involved.

2. "but when are you coming back?" I'm not sure why you need to ask that!

3. "as there is this xxx here that needs to be done by month end". This still doesn't really explain for me why this stuff requires you to know when exactly he'll be back. It sounded as if you knew he was coming back this weekend anyway. We are only 20th of month so I can't see the urgency. Also, would he realise that stuff needed to be done at some point? What would happen if you just said casually that there is mail for him at your place and left it at that?

4. "I'd like to discuss it with you". Is it stuff that you need to do together? If so, it's fair enough that you want to discuss it. If not, I'd say leave it to him to figure out.

I get the impression (and I may be wrong) that you use somewhat low level stuff that is neither urgent nor important (like downloading music, stuff about the house...) as an excuse to make contact and that that may make you seem very available. I'd love him to come up with concrete questions where he is asking you for information and making excuses to be in touch.

Having said that, I'm really pleased he told you he was back safely. What about just sending him a smiley face as a response? I certainly wouldn't start asking him when he was going to get his stuff or when you are going to discuss things. I also wouldn't try to get him to move from texting to talking by being explicit about it. If he does call you, be warm, and maybe cooler when he texts and he may want to speak to you more. Who knows?

I would just love to see him start to be a bit curious and engage more. I think that he is comfortable as things stand as you are obviously still very connected. This is obviously just my sense of it so I won't be offended if you think I'm way off base.

Your GAL sounds great! I'm glad in a way that your text history has disappeared. I don't think that re-reading his texts is very productive.

Keep enjoying your weekend. Maybe you're having your long bath right now!