Snodderly, don't be sorry. Be blunt. I need that. Yes! I was starting to melt.
I think sometimes my H is just friendly b/c he dreads a nasty D. He wants to remain friends. And I often interpret it as love and care. One of my GF's said to think of it as "business friendly". "you can manage that", she says.
If I really listen to what H is saying (sifting through as you say) I hear he still wants a D and wants to pay as little as possible AND wants to flirt openly with other women (FB with our 55 mutual friends and family watching) AND wants me to stay under his thumb also! Repulsive, isn't it?
I have some time this morning to do the work you suggested. I wrote a temporary budget and gave to H a couple of weeks ago so he could see what I actually have to pay for. I have credit card statements to show actual expenses (I never use cash and try to hide like he does).
I'll do the work and it'll make me feel so much better and stronger this week. I know if he changes his mind, reversing all this is easy. But I need to press forward knowing that the quality of my future life depends on decisions I make now. I CAN do it.
Yes, I agree with him knowing me so well and sucking me into this communication thing.
A friend of me was asking me yesterday about what hobbies I had and I felt stumped. There were lot of things I USED to like to do but my heart has been gone out of my life for a while. It's sickening to think how much time/energy we obsess about our spouse.
Thanks, Snodderly, for the good kick in the a$$ this morning! Lol!
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
rH, I truly hope that I am wrong about your h, but many of them are nice to get what they want. They know that if they remain nice and pleasant, we will melt and allow them to have whatever they want. I don't think your h dreads a nasty divorce. In fact, I don't think he even realizes what a divorce entails and what it means once the ink is dry on the decree. You need to start thinking of your situation as a business deal and he's broken the contract. As the second partner, you need to rely on your intelligence and knowledge of your situation to get the best deal for you and your sons. I don't mean take him to the cleaners, but what you will need to live comfortably. You are entitled to half of everything and don't let him tell you otherwise.
When you get the information about the vehicles and have your budget worked up...hold the information close. You will need to provide that to your lawyer, not your h. Your h will try to dicker w/you and beat you down to a lower amount as to what the vehicles are worth...don't go there. This is where your lawyer will do the necessary work to ensure you and your family are taken care of. Keep the information to yourself for now. Let's see what he comes up w/on the vehicles.
Your h wants his cake and eat it too. You can't stay under his thumb. Yes, it's repulsive if you give in to him and do what he asks or expects of you. The man is showing you absolutely no respect. rH, take back your respect and stand straight and tall. n order for him to respect you, you have to respect yourself and that's where you need to stand straight and tall and do not bend to his whims.
You can do this! Limit the text messaging. Maybe try twice a day and then reduce it to once. You have things to do w/your time besides being his "mother". Look at what he's doing while on vacation...acting like a teenager and sending texts to mom and posting on facebook about the drinking/partying. Does this sound like a mature man w/a wife and children at home? You do realize that you helped him save for this trip? He wasn't paying you a lot of money and then crying the blues about the grocery expenses. Some of the money he used on this trip should have gone to you and your son. He's not my h, but I'm angry for what he's done to you and your son and continues to do as long as you allow it.
The bulbs you ordered sound like they will beautiful next spring. I'm like your friend, what are you interested in doing hobby wise? It's time to start thinking about what you would like to do for yourself. Winter is coming and I'm sure you have some hobbies that you've put on the shelf that can now come out and be completed.
Set your boundaries and stick to them! It's the only way that he will respect you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hey RH..I have to agree very strongly with Snodderly, we all care about you here and can see what is happening. We have been telling you for a long time now to get off the rollercoaster and don't be so available for your H. Get tough with him. Its called tough love!
It is hard to see it when you are firmly entrenched in the same patterns. Even though I seem to have stalled my D for now, I have had many friends in the situation where their H has promised to take care of them, then things get nasty. You have been too available for your H. He is doing what he wants and you are left picking up the pieces.
You can still be his friend. You can still set boundaries with a friend (I need to take my own advice here).
The advice is sound. Take care of yourself and your boys. Do some fun things together.
Sorry to keep at you RH, but I thought of the cheeseless tunnel analogy. You are going down one. You have tried this approach for months now. It is time to take a different one.
Always hoping for the best for you and your family.
Hey rH, thought I'd answer your chain saw question over here. I think I talked about using the reciprocating saw but chain saws aren't much different these days. Just be careful cause they can buck and cause a lot of damage. You can't be timid with them, you need to be in control, not the saw. (sort of like our sitches)
If you just have little things to cut down, the recip saw is probably the best choice.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
You can do this! It's slowly dawning on me that I have some control over how much drama is in my life.
I have lived the last nine months feeling as if I was at the mercy of H, OW and whatever crazy thing they did next. I'm starting to "get it." I can protect myself and the kids. H can go ahead and act the teenager all he wants, but I want no part of it. I have the right to keep his MLC distant from our home and family.
I still walk around with that anxiety--"what's gonna happen next" and I keep reminding myself that however he ACTS, I have the choice in how I "REACT."
It's easy to block someone's phone number on our cell plan. I'm trying to do the same thing with my heart. It's been through enough.
By-the-by, I completely understand how incredibly difficult this is. I'm right there with ya... wish I wasn't.
Haven't texted today.
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
