Sandi2, I still do not know if there is a OM. Yes I have concerns but nothing official yet. EA maybe. Maybe I am blind or dense.
The counselor says it is a MLC. She has been home for 13 years and now has decided that she is not happy. Wants to get a job out of the house, financial independent, freedom from marriage. Doesnt like our lifestyle, which is new to me. Everyone says we have the perfect life. Which she says now makes her sick when she hears this.
So she is looking for a job, which I am ok with. Financially it doesn't matter to me if she works or not. I have told her that I will be support of whatever she decides for work. But any support or excited that I show her concerning work. She gets mad. Says that her getting a job isn't going to make everything perfect. I know that but she has said that this is what she wants to do so I am showing support, that's it.
Now I do not ask about her job hunting. I wait until she tells me something and then I show support. My hands are tied right now. So I am detached and giving her space.
How are things going? You mentioned those things that your W was saying like "freedom from marriage", "not happy with lifestyle". Yeah I can relate to that, my wife also mentioned those words.
What kind of GALing have you done lately, 180s? How are the kids? I noticed you haven't mention on your posts.
I myself am having trouble with truly GALing I'm still working on it. I GAL 'd two weeks ago and hang out with a buddy and his cousins. It's been a while since I've done anything like that so it was out of my comfort zone, well it's a working progress.
Newman
me40; W43 M18; T~20 D18; S13 & S3 bomb 5/9/11 EA busted 4/30/12; 9/4/12; 4/29/13; 6/10/13 same OM
Separated 4/1/14
"Even a flicker of light will shine through darkness-12/25/2012"....better days ahead.
Sandi2, I still do not know if there is a OM. Yes I have concerns but nothing official yet. EA maybe. Maybe I am blind or dense.
Not necessarily. There's not always an OP in WAS situations. There wasn't in mine. At least not a physical one, although many suspect in the absence of a physical OP there's likely an imaginary one. IE, they think if they leave they can find "true love" and they have a picture in their mind of the Prince Charming that's going to sweep them off their feet.
Quote:
The counselor says it is a MLC. She has been home for 13 years and now has decided that she is not happy. Wants to get a job out of the house, financial independent, freedom from marriage. Doesnt like our lifestyle, which is new to me. Everyone says we have the perfect life. Which she says now makes her sick when she hears this.
Yup, ditto that in my sitch. Except in my case W has always had a job. We've been married 20 years, together 5 before that, there were indications as soon as a few months before BD that she was still madly in love with me yet at BD she said she's not happy and hasn't been for "years". She wanted freedom and she even made a similar "lifestyle" comment- even though we've always done everything together she suddenly decided our interests were incompatible, LOL! After moving out she spent a brief time partying it up, but now seems to be returning to kid and family activities.
Newman, Thanks for checking on me. I been also watching your status. Looks like you and W are going down the right path. Good news with the cuddling that you were allowed.
GALing is going OK. It still feels unnatural for me to leave the family and go do things with friends. I need to work on this. I still exercising with really makes me feel good. I also have made contact with 3 of my old friends that I have had little contact with. Crazy thing about that is 2 of the friends are my age and are both going through tough times in their lives as well. The third friend is much older, sort of was my mentor at work. He shared with me that his wife had an PA about 20 years ago. He really has insight on dealing with this struggle. So I have a broader group of support. Definetly helps.
Kids are doing fine. They do not know that there Mother has made these comments or plans. Although kids are not stupid they have noticed that Mom has been grumpy at times. I've been able to talk to them and sort of explain things in there terms. But the W is still operating as normal around them. There is still nothing emotional or physical between us. Although we are talking to each other and are pleasant towards each other. I am detached and waiting for the fog to clear. DM
AnotherStander, I think you are on to something here with imaginary IE. The W has been reading these love novels like "Fifty shades of grey" and other books that are very sexually graphic. Which is definetly not her normal reading material. Again new and strange behavior.What bothers me about these books is not the content but how can someone shutdown all of these sexual feelings with there spouse but enjoy reading these books. For me to read these books would arouse me towards the W. I guess this is where men are much different than women in the mental side of sex.
The quick change in behavior is the hardest thing for me to wrap my mind. Which the more I deal with this Sitch the more I realize I need to stop thinking of the past and look forward to the future goal. Not easy by no means but I cannot explain the change in behavior. Yes I also heard that she has had these thoughts and feelings for years. Sure is news to me. Either I am a terrible at listening or mind reading. Poor communication if you ask me..
DM, yes in our world, the world of LBS, we'd take anything even the limited physical contact with caution . It feels like my W is really trying though, I got to give her props for that. That being said, I'm still seeing some distance and detachment from her. Afterall the physical interactions are initiated by me. But we'll see I'm just taking it one day at a time and still practicing patience.
Hey that's good you're GALing, I feel the same feels unnatural to do but I believe we have to do this. I'm glad you have great support from your friends especially the one that can relate and give you insight on this struggle.
Keep working on you DM. GAL with the kids.
O btw you mention she gets mad when you ask her about her job hunting. IMO, she feels pressure when you ask her about her job hunting.
Is she receptive when you ask about her day in general? What are her complaints? Maybe you can 180 those?
Take care DM. Keep posting.
Newman
me40; W43 M18; T~20 D18; S13 & S3 bomb 5/9/11 EA busted 4/30/12; 9/4/12; 4/29/13; 6/10/13 same OM
Separated 4/1/14
"Even a flicker of light will shine through darkness-12/25/2012"....better days ahead.
Well today is Saturday and its dark and raining outside. Sort of how I feel lately. This limbo stage is hard to figure out. I guess the bright side is that W is still here. She started her new job this week, so we will see if this will help her attitude. I read something on another post today about Jim Conway he says there are 4 pillars of a MLC, body, spouse, job, God. Which is interesting these are the four areas that are tormenting her. I wonder does the MLC person have to deal with each one before coming out of the dark valley?
On another note- The W has canceled going to the counselor. Have not asked her if she is going to reschedule. Have not asked her why she is not wearing her ring. These are my 180's by not sticking my nose in her business all the time. To controlling when I ask those questions.
Told counselor that her feelings have not changed towards me. Still not attracted or having loving feelings towards me. She has noticed my changes but believes that I am only doing these things to win her back. I think that is good isn't it? At least my small DBING has been noticed. It's been 5 months since B so I guess this is a normal stage.
Hi DM, I’m just checking in here, as it seems we both are in similar situations. My thoughts are in red.
Originally Posted By: DM
So she is looking for a job, which I am ok with. Financially it doesn't matter to me if she works or not. I have told her that I will be support of whatever she decides for work. But any support or excited that I show her concerning work. She gets mad. Says that her getting a job isn't going to make everything perfect. I know that but she has said that this is what she wants to do so I am showing support, that's it. Now I do not ask about her job hunting.
Instead of asking her about her life, (which she hates right now) try telling her about yours. New projects at work? New persons in your life? New hobbies or activities? Anything that’s exciting that’s going on for you. (If there isn’t, there should be) If she acts uninterested drop it and just go about your business. Try again some other time.
Yes I also heard that she has had these thoughts and feelings for years. Sure is news to me.
It’s called rewriting of history. I was told that she “knew” she wasn’t in love with me on our honey moon night! Yet she never said anything about this until now, stuck around for 29 years, and we had plenty of exciting bedroom romps.
I guess the bright side is that W is still here.
Right. I see this as a good sign too. Don’t try to hold on to her, make it so she wants to stay.
She has noticed my changes but believes that I am only doing these things to win her back. I think that is good isn't it?
Yes, you are on the right track, you just need more time to prove it to her. As long as you see even small improvement, don’t get anxious and start dancing around trying different things. For her to believe you need to be consistent.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Well today is Saturday and its dark and raining outside. Sort of how I feel lately. This limbo stage is hard to figure out. I guess the bright side is that W is still here. She started her new job this week, so we will see if this will help her attitude. I read something on another post today about Jim Conway he says there are 4 pillars of a MLC, body, spouse, job, God. Which is interesting these are the four areas that are tormenting her. I wonder does the MLC person have to deal with each one before coming out of the dark valley?
Same where I am drizzly and I think forecast of rain again tomorrow. I wanted to GAL and ride my bike so ended up using the stationary bike at home. I hope it's sunny tomorrow.
Hey that's great she's starting her new job. IMO, this will relieve some of the pressures she has at home. My W has expressed to me a ton of times that she tries to really stay busy at work so that she won't think about our sitch so much. Don't expect anything though keep focusing on you and the kids. You can try again asking how her day went and if she's irritated then just drop it.
Take care
Newman
me40; W43 M18; T~20 D18; S13 & S3 bomb 5/9/11 EA busted 4/30/12; 9/4/12; 4/29/13; 6/10/13 same OM
Separated 4/1/14
"Even a flicker of light will shine through darkness-12/25/2012"....better days ahead.
. It feels like my W is really trying though, I got to give her props for that. That being said, I'm still seeing some distance and detachment from her. Afterall the physical interactions are initiated by me. But we'll see I'm just taking it one day at a time and still practicing patience.