Riding the Bull

[Arsene]

I feel a bit better now. I've fought it for as long as I could but I just had to ask my doctor of Anti Depressants. I was struggling too much lately. Too many ups ans downs. W was here today but I'd left before she got here.

Went to another Toastmasters meeting to get my mind off things and then set up a meeting to discuss the cafe I might manage. Things look good on that front. I need this. I hope it's going to help me boost my self-esteem and allow me to get control over my emotions.

I got back here after doing groceries. I was hoping to avoid W but she was still here. Very cold. I tried to be upbeat but I feel like I always come off as aloof when I'm not being open or available.

Nonetheless, we had very little interaction and I made an extra effort to be especially great with D8. Eventually, I left with her to go and get some take-away and W was gone when we came back.

D8 told me she doesn't like her school tonight. I was happy she chose to open up to me about it. She says the classes are ok but she doesn't really have any friends there anymore. Some of the kids got her friends to stop playing with her for some reasons. I don't know if it has anything to do with me and W being separated. I know that people can be very judgmental around here and I'm sure the word is out among the teachers and the parents.

D8 also told me she would like to go back to either the country where we lived last year or to my own country which we were visiting when I got BD. When I asked about mommy, D8 simply said that she's never around anyway and when she is all she does is play for 2 minutes and then she sleeps, eats and takes a shower. I guess W's boarding house doesn't have good beds and hot water. D8 asked me again why mom was doing that. I couldn't tell her the truth that W is seeing OM. That's for W to do. I simply said that same old story, that mom needs time to figure things out and that we need to be patient with her. I also told her that if she wants more answers, that she could ask her mom. I'm not sure that she will or that W would tell her anything anyway but it's her responsibility to do so IMO.

I told D8 that we'd go to the cinema tomorrow. She seemed happy about that so we'll have a good day just me and her.

I don't know how a woman, a mother, can become this way with her kid. It just doesn't make sense. I wonder if she even knows how D8 feels.