Now Separated, Am I doing the right things?

[roughenough]

I am paying it forward so to speak. It's the least that I can do for all of the people who did the same for me when I was in the sh!t.

The hard part about what I am doing now, is that I get emotionally invested in the situations that I follow. You kind of feel helpless at times on this end.


It is so very much appreciated. You have helped me in many ways for the past few months.

^^^^^^ Absolutely, I couldn't agree more.

[roughenough]

Rough, I think you're getting there but you may be a bit afraid of really naming your fears. I think sometimes we carry an idea from childhood that if we name our fears, they will come true.

Balderdash! (love that word)

My fears were:
1) H wouldn't come back. He hasn't, I've managed to survive and thrive.
2) No one would ever love me again. Lots of people love me, I have great friends who love me warts and all. I'm not the same person H fell in love with, actually I am a better person. I love me, and that's the most important. I may have a R with a man in the future, who knows. It's not important right now.
3) My sons would hold a grudge as they might see me as the person responsible for their Dad leaving. My sons and I have forged much deeper Rs since the S. As I've become a better person, I've become a better mother.
4) I would be a woman of a certain age all alone. This one still gets to me on occasion but for the most part, I'm fine. We've been S for 18 mos and there are definitely some positives. I get lonely at times but then I shake myself and find something to do.

My IC helped me work through these, and she has been relentless in asking the right questions.

What I've learned. Fear is a part of this and not to be ignored or quashed. It has little to do with someone else making us scared because the fear is within us. Once you face that and deal with it, life gets easier.

Write out your fears and follow them to their end point. Uncover why you have that fear. If you have an IC enlist their help with this.

I just had a phone call from a friend who visited the Grand Canyon today-they left quickly because she couldn't stand to look over the edge. We're much the same, it's difficult to look over the edge into the unknown because our fear takes over.

Be brave, walk to the edge and look over.

Sometimes I read these posts and I think to myself, wow, there’s amazing people here. Just the thought of all these caring people can get me choked up at times.

[labug]

Rough, do you see how far in the future you're living, or trying to live? You're robbing yourself of today by worrying about things that may or may not happen and you might feel very differently about them if and when they do happen.

Of the things that incite your fears, which do you control?

Having no control is a very scary thing for most people and we will say and do many crazy things trying to maintain or regain control. So when you find yourself experiencing an adrenaline dump and trying to control something ask yourself, "What am I fearing right now?"

Ask the same question when you feel angry.

This is not to say that your fears aren't valid or that you should stop being fearful (then you would be dead) but rather that you face your fears, examine them and live with them. I think you will find that the more you face your fears, the less power they hold.

Worrying about them will change nothing, it's a waste or your precious time.

The best you or any of us can do is let go, stop trying to control, stop trying to change others. Focus on you each minute, each hour, each day and tomorrow will take care of itself.

I would suggest writing your fears on paper and then the truths as Carnac suggested.

[Denver_2010]

Rough, do you see how far in the future you're living, or trying to live? You're robbing yourself of today by worrying about things that may or may not happen and you might feel very differently about them if and when they do happen.

Of the things that incite your fears, which do you control?

Having no control is a very scary thing for most people and we will say and do many crazy things trying to maintain or regain control. So when you find yourself experiencing an adrenaline dump and trying to control something ask yourself, "What am I fearing right now?"

Ask the same question when you feel angry.

This is not to say that your fears aren't valid or that you should stop being fearful (then you would be dead) but rather that you face your fears, examine them and live with them. I think you will find that the more you face your fears, the less power they hold.

Worrying about them will change nothing, it's a waste or your precious time.

The best you or any of us can do is let go, stop trying to control, stop trying to change others. Focus on you each minute, each hour, each day and tomorrow will take care of itself.

I would suggest writing your fears on paper and then the truths as Carnac suggested.

That's great ^^^. Borrowing trouble from the future.

I went through this exercise as well.

Why do you fear the things that you listed? I am asking you to contemplate that. Not one of them will kill you, and at the end of the day, you will still be here and safe. So why do you fear each of those things?

[Beardown]

Hi Rough here is food for thought... say to yourself over and over
Bring it on,
I love fear,
Fear will set me free

It has helped me quite a bit during my sitch

[25yearsmlc]

I am processing the meaningful posts from the both of you and 25. She can make a grown man cry

She has, many times!

Oh geez...you guys are kidding right? I'm giving it to you like your sisters would, if they could.

Besides, sometimes I'm wrong (call the newspapers!) and it's up to YOU to know what's accurate and what's a miss on my end.

If something hits you particularly hard, Bond (or Kaffe Diem or Denver?) says it means you need to look at it.

But don't ever think I didn't have the same HARD questions for myself, that I ask you.

As a L, I was very very good at telling myself that my choices were "justfied" and"right", when in reality they were often the end result of my anger.

And sometimes they were both "right" and angry.

Eventually I had to let go of being "right" B/C I wanted to be happy.

Digging deep isn't easy. But I am a better woman, better wife and better mother for it.

ALSO-my biggest fears were faced. As Ladybug says, the first big fear for me was that H would not come back.

I prepared myself for that (as in, well, "WHAT IF HE DOES NOT COME BACK?? WHAT THEN??")

The answer was, "I'd live. So would my daughters and our son was at college." I went to a L to make sure we would not end up on the streets and most of my financial fears were unjustified. I felt reassured and empowered by that information.

I had a GREAT DB coach and mc. I learned to see the temporary upsides of his being gone. Less tension at home for one thing. That's not small. Also Not having the toilet seat left up (hey, I started out with the small advantages and went up from there! )

watching chick flicks w/my d's, eating dinners when we wanted and not when h expected them. Like I said, i began with the small things we preferred about his being gone, without focussing on whether he'd alwaybs be gone.

I truly believe that part of why he wanted back in was b/c he could see that I believed I would be fine, with or without him. And I did come to believe that.

Financially I figured things out and for once was able to think about working full tiem again, and NOT having to consider his career first. Our lifestyle would go down SOME but not fatally. And it'd be a simpler life for me and the d's.

Other fears?

That I was not lovable. That I was mean or cold or unforgiving and at times i felt that way!!

And that might mean I'd never find someone. Well, I have come to see my value a lot more now than I did before.

And I learned to let go of things I could not control and

I learned to forgive, which was a huge life lesson for me, which I'd never seen growing up.

That alone, was the single biggest change in me. And for that, I'm grateful.

I have close friends and to this day, I meet men who seem interested. I met them while my h and I were sep too.

So I realized that IF my m was indeed over, IF & when the time came for me to feel healed enough and trusting enough to date, I would find someone if I wanted to.

MY DB coach and mc said not to stay married b/c of fears of being alone b/c they are not realistic when you get right down to it. They feared a premature recommitment more than me being alone long term and they had a point.

But frankly, putting the energy into another long term r, was NOT the first thing on my list.

I have never seen it as a healthy sign, when an LBSer quickly wants a new r to begin.

To me, it reeks of neediness and is often part of why their first m's ended OR b/c they didn't want to know what their role was.

One guy actually told me his marriage of 25 years ended "totally" b/c of his wife. He said she was the 'SOLE reason their m ended, you can ask anybody"...

I mean, who says that? Worse, who believes it?

The men I met who had recently divorced or sep, and wanted to date ME then,

were just NOT ready, imo. Some of them were clingy and cynical or controlling, sometimes all at once. Many of them critisized their ex wives and that was always a concern. (=No insights on their ends?)

One thing I hope you realize is that dating OPs may actually make you miss your spouse MORE, not less. And that can happen with your spouse too.


For instance, meeting OMs often made me miss my h's education more b/c many men I met were simply not well informed or interested in current events or other cultures, etc.

My h is an interesting and interestED man. We have things in common. Meeting OMs reminded me of that. Same with my h's being in good physical shape.

I like feeling like the female of the species, and small men, or obese men, were reminders of that.

So if your w meets some OM, it does not always mean you lose by comparison. And YOU control more of that then you may realize.

Anyhow, I hope this helps a little.

[Arsene]

Very nice post 25. It does help a lot. Thanks!

[Denver_2010]

If something hits you particularly hard, Bond (or Kaffe Diem or Denver?) says it means you need to look at it.

Absolutely ^^^


Good post 25

[bustingout]

25mlc, thank you for that post. I just logged on the board about to journal on some of the very points you mention. thank you for all of the time and detail you put into your posts. They have helped me along the way so very much.

((( ))))

[25yearsmlc]

25mlc, thank you for that post. I just logged on the board about to journal on some of the very points you mention. thank you for all of the time and detail you put into your posts. They have helped me along the way so very much.

((( ))))

you're very welcome. I hope you are feeling better these days too. Like I said, it does get better.