Kicking a$$ and taking names!

[reachingHigher]

T, thanks for the post. I like that you are always encouraging me to hang on a little longer. I think you sense me slipping toward the edge of giving up. I like also that you always are mixing the funny things with the heavy serious things. Makes it easier to read.

Oh, and thanks for the trembling thoughts, T. Anxiety could be a major issue for him. He told me a couple of days ago via texts, that he has a hard time sleeping at night sometimes because of thinking too much about things.

Tvs, I do think I looked up and listened to the "right road" before that you recommended and like it very much. Doesn't that song also say about kissing on somebody else? Lol! I finally told my hairdresser about what is going on. (she used to cut H's hair too and has cut our boys' hair for many years). She said her aunt used to say "to get over one it takes getting under one". Which I laugh about every time I think about it!

And tvs, I loved the pic of you dancing and singing with the boys in the kitchen! Loved it! Music and lyrics are SO powerful!

Journaling:

H emailed me yesterday afternoon to send me some pics of his trip. Then late last night he texted a couple of times to see if I was awake. I was, but waited an hour to respond. Then we engaged in some texting. He apologized for some "drunken ramblings" on FB. Obviously he was drunk but having a great time and I was happy for him.

I wonder what he'll do when he gets back. Some hints he has dropped show he is still planning on going through with the D, although this is clearly mixed with his reaching out to me.

I thought a lot yesterday about these last few years. It's been since July of 2008 since he woke up one day with the realization he "didn't want to do this any more". There wasn't really a clearly one BD day. More like waves of depression, anger, denial, etc.

Seems like for years I heard about my failings. Then last year started the mental/spiritual separation. And spring brought the physical separation. So now, I'm so tired of "standing". So ready to move on.

But still I see as much as H wants to get rid of me, via D, he still needs me desperately. He has been so much kinder to me. I really feel for some of my sisters and brothers here in their sitches. I am getting a lot of affection from my H.

When he sees me, and I know he wants to ML, its with a lot of tenderness. Last time he saw me he stroked my hair for a long time and told me how and why he loves it.

I still feel a smothering of hardly being able to breathe when I think about going through this D. I know I'll be okay on the other side, but this process is excruciating.

Nevertheless, it IS so much easier with him gone. Do you all think I should follow through with telling him to visit elsewhere with S12 after he comes back? It's so tempting to think, I'll just "put up" with him being here, but that really is "more of the same". I mean this man is D me! And he still wants to hang around! I feel like a mom pushing out a teenager, but that's what I hafta do, isn't it?