Lost and confused

[Soul.Searching]

Thanks little wings. Honestly, I'm not that strong. I always thought I was a strong person mentally but this really just threw me for a six! I have had problems in my life and have suffered loss before (as we all do) but nothing has ever affected me like this before. I sorted out the bathroom cabinets and draws today. There wasent much left in there of his but it's amazing how much such a small item can hurt. He has several toiletries bags and two of them were left here. Input the other little bits and pieces in to one of them. Just looking at his toiletries bag nearly made me cry. I had tears in my eyes because it was him, it was his and in some weird way, giving them back to him, symbolizes what I have lost. It's just weird.

I have already came quite a way, I think. When he first left I cried and cried and cried. Everywhere I went. I have a buch of very long term friends who had never seen me like that before. I've always been one to put on a brave face. Not this time, I was guttered. It still hurts but I think I'm learning to manage it and live with the pain.

I caved just before I posted here. H called. Wanting to know if he can have the kids next weekend as well (my weekend.) because he is going away for three weeks after that weekend. I did have a party I was going to take them to but that's okay. I was so looking forward to taking them to the beach and bike riding if I have my car back by then but that will have to wait until the following weekend. I'd rather they get to spend time with him because they are missing him like crazy. I know he is missing them to. Anyway I went off topic, he called and I ended up getting emotional telling how I hate the hurt in the kids eyes after he drops them off! I told his it was like he was trying to avoid history repeating itself but instead he made it repeate itself...,, I don't know why I did it, I know it's not what I should be doing. I guess I just have to learn how to control my emotions.
Life has really bad timing sometimes. I had a Uncle who was telling me only about six months back that we, as humans can control our own emotions, that nobody can hurt us mentally if we don't let them. I didn't believe it and just dismissed a lot of his conversations because to me, he was talking jibberish. Well he passed away suddenly a few weeks before H left. Oh how I wish he was here to talk to now, how I wish I had of listened more then and asked more questions. It really is true: you don't know what you have got till its gone. Sorry for all the continual posts and rambling. This is pretty much my only outlet right now.