Hello! 20 year marriage teetering on the brink...

[Just A Guy]

. I can see sitting in limbo like this for a year, than getting a D, then having her tell me later "I wanted to reconcile, but you moved on and didn't want that." That's just the way she thinks, she always assumes the worst and never says anything. So Ihave to be careful about that. Unfortunately that takes me mind-reading what her mind-reading is, LOL!

This is also my fear. So I drip little bits of "trying" to show I am still okay with making the M work but yet I am not going to be the one who is going to initiate R.

[AnotherStander]

Eyesopen and Grateful, thanks for the insight into your sitches. There are a lot of stories around here about how much people fight during this process and DR even addresses that, but it seems like cases like ours where there is no fighting are fairly unusual.

YES I am saying this.
In many cases that you read on these forums hormones play a factor.
Could be menopause (periomenopause, andropause),
post partum depression or some other thing that throws them out of whack.
It is not the only thing that is going on but it is one factor.

Thanks Cadet! I've of course done a ton of reading on here and through books, articles and other forums, but it seems like menopause/ perio/ andro seem to get lumped into MLC. It seems like the whole "change of life" phase is largely a mystery and hasn't really been explored well as far as the impact it has on marriages and families.

Well I am going to assume that bomb drop was the opposite of the person that you married.

Definitely! But in most other respects W hasn't really changed much. She's still a loving and caring mother, a responsible worker, a kind person in general and has not exhibited the "opposite" behavior that I've seen described in MLC threads. She's never once gone monster (or anything close to it) throughout this whole process. She's actually been very kind and considerate towards me and was there to support me in the worst stages of depression after BD. Now there have been some MLC signs- she dieted and lost about 20 pounds, she started wearing sexier underwear, changed her hair style a bit. But no radical transformation, no "alien transplant". Maybe that is still to come, only time will tell.

This is also my fear. So I drip little bits of "trying" to show I am still okay with making the M work but yet I am not going to be the one who is going to initiate R.

Yeah, that's kind of what I was thinking is now and then just show some small indication that the interest is still there without making her feel pressure. Obviously every sitch is different, but I know my W and I know how she assumes things and goes down a road based on that assumption. She's a dreadful communicator, so if she's interested in reconciliation she may never say or show anything to me at all because she may assume from my GAL and detachment that I'm no longer interested. This is exactly what happened way back when we were dating, I detached from her a while and she thought I was done with her and had moved on. Meanwhile I just thought we were taking a little breather. She was shocked when I came back around.

[Arsene]

but I know my W and I know how she assumes things and goes down a road based on that assumption. She's a dreadful communicator, so if she's interested in reconciliation she may never say or show anything to me at all because she may assume from my GAL and detachment that I'm no longer interested. This is exactly what happened way back when we were dating, I detached from her a while and she thought I was done with her and had moved on. Meanwhile I just thought we were taking a little breather. She was shocked when I came back around.

Definitely something to think about for me as well,after all, her lack of communication kind of got us here in the first place. How do you hint you're still around without it being pursuing though?

[Cadet]

Thanks Cadet! I've of course done a ton of reading on here and through books, articles and other forums, but it seems like menopause/ perio/ andro seem to get lumped into MLC. It seems like the whole "change of life" phase is largely a mystery and hasn't really been explored well as far as the impact it has on marriages and families.

Menopause on its own is not something that is a death knell for marriage.
I was told this by PHD therapists and councelors, and other women that have been through menopause.
However as one ingredient into this perfect storm I believe it is absolutely essential on the impact of marriages.

And let me reiterate that it might be the opposite of menopause that occurs that could cause these issues.
Another words hormones out of wack in one direction or another for whatever reason it may be.

I am not so sure it is a mystery but instead maybe exploited by lawyers and other people looking to profit from the divorce industry.

But in most other respects W hasn't really changed much. She's still a loving and caring mother, a responsible worker, a kind person in general and has not exhibited the "opposite" behavior that I've seen described in MLC threads. She's never once gone monster (or anything close to it) throughout this whole process. She's actually been very kind and considerate towards me and was there to support me in the worst stages of depression after BD. Now there have been some MLC signs- she dieted and lost about 20 pounds, she started wearing sexier underwear, changed her hair style a bit. But no radical transformation, no "alien transplant". Maybe that is still to come, only time will tell.

YUP that poor old gift of TIME.
She is definitely in TRANSITION and whether it becomes a crisis or not is impossible to tell until after it is over.

It does not really change anything that YOU do.

You are much closer to the begining than you are to the end.
When was the trigger for BD?

I wish I knew what else to tell you other than she seems very - Low Energy - again this may also be from the A/D's.

According to Jim Conway there are four pillars to an MLC.
Body, Spouse, Job and God.
Looks to me like she has at least two of them checked off so far.
Body and Spouse.
So whether she hits the other two or not, like you said, remains to be seen.

Get some popcorn and a chair and we will keep watching the movie.

[Wendylon]

Now there have been some MLC signs- she dieted and lost about 20 pounds, she started wearing sexier underwear, changed her hair style a bit.

Did your W start these changes before or after BD? I imagine before if you noticed the sexier underwear. I'm close to her in age and trying to put myself in her shoes. I don't quite get the motivation yet.

that's kind of what I was thinking is now and then just show some small indication that the interest is still there without making her feel pressure.

I think that sounds perfect. You're always really clear when you point out that detachment doesn't mean being cold. I'm sure that you can communicate your interest without pressuring your W.

As someone else said, I find you really clear and insightful both when writing about your own sitch and when commenting on others' sitches. I suspect that your hunches as to what to do will be spot on.

I learn a lot from following your posts. Thank you very much and good luck in your sitch.

[7720]

Hey anotherstander...thanks for your comments on my sitch..I was reading yours and see a lot of similarities....I too have been exploring the peri menopause and menopause connection..I think my W is going through this as well. What have I done that works- well I am trying to figure out when she is about to have her P and stay way away...because she is much different person then very erratic...but that is hard when you don't live with your S and also because in this stage they are not regular P---the timing is all off.
Anyway it sounds like you are doing a good job on standing your ground...have you picked up any new hobbies or done anything for yourself? I have always wanted to learn how to dance...ball room and swing etc

[Starbag]

Hi AS, I finally read your story, and thanks for your help on mine! You are doing a good job on this, and your patience is incredible. I have thought about it too that I keep trying for a year, and H never wanted it, then we D... It's so scary.....Gosh I just see so many similarities in this saving M thing, though each story is different.... Best wishes to you! I hope things will get better and better!

[labug]

But in most other respects W hasn't really changed much. She's still a loving and caring mother, a responsible worker, a kind person in general and has not exhibited the "opposite" behavior that I've seen described in MLC threads. She's never once gone monster (or anything close to it) throughout this whole process. She's actually been very kind and considerate towards me and was there to support me in the worst stages of depression after BD. Now there have been some MLC signs- she dieted and lost about 20 pounds, she started wearing sexier underwear, changed her hair style a bit. But no radical transformation, no "alien transplant". Maybe that is still to come, only time will tell

.

AS, I think I'm married to the male version or your wife-minus the sexier underwear. But what do I know? He may be wearing sexier underwear now!

As his niece so aptly pointed out to me this week: "He's got a big ego that won't allow him to admit he's made a mistake even if he thinks he has."

She nailed it and I've known that all along.

Good luck to you. You're doing a fabulous job at this.

[Soul.Searching]

I just finished reading your whole posts. Very insightful. I understand a lot of what your saying. My H and I have been very amicable through out almost all of our separation. His not one to communicate his feeling ( other than in anger) and I feel the same way, if I don't let him know I still want to try to fix our relationship, then he will just presume I don't want to.
Your doing awesome and sound like a really great Dad. Your kids are lucky to have you.

[labug]

What's happened for me over these months of being here and working on my stuff is that I now know that without change, I don't want a R with my H because we would be right back in the same predicament. Only now I would be wondering "When is he going to drop the next bomb?"

And I deserve better than that.

With him, as he is now, there are no overt warning signs.

Best advice anyone can give is GAL, work on you, ignore the other person as much as possible (detach).