I think I see the picnic!

[2chiquitos]

Thank you KG -

I had to (and still am) digest(ing) what you said. You helped me realize that I continue to control his parenting as I did before. I thought I was much more relaxed about it but I'm not. I mean I am different but I still want to keep a strong hold on my kids whereabouts. This is so hard!

I suddenly remember the day my son was born and seeing him connected to all these tubes so that he could stay alive. It was so hard to just let go. I feel that same way now. i don't want to let go. I don't want my kids going from one place to another all day. They're too little for that. I want them at home where they belong.

I know I need to tell him to stop coming in the evenings and mornings. I will eventually do that. He is much better about it now when I tell him the day before or the day of. It's making it a routine that he struggles with.

But thank you for that KG. Seriously, I need the 2x4! It really brought me down to think about it but after the hurting comes the healing.

Thanks Bklynmom -
Thank you for sharing your experience. At least I know I'm not alone and my struggle to take care of myself and to continue nursing. I will eventually get on meds but I want to try to nurse for a bit longer. D1 is very attached. I will resent him more if I do and resent myself also.

Journal-
Although I was really down today, there were little signs I saw of myself detaching and I want to share it.

While shopping for groceries, I wasn't interested in getting things that H likes. I got what the kids and I needed and didn't feel like getting him certain things.
-I used to stock up so that he would feel at home. He did, but now I don't care to make him feel at home...

This morning after I dropped off S4 at school I text him, S4 did great at the drop off. Enjoy your day.
-I used to call him or wait for him to call and we would talk. Now I want to avoid unnecessary conversations.

I deleted shows I was recording on the DVR for him to watch. Again, to make him feel at home. I don't feel the need to do that. He knows he can feel at home if he came back. I don't need to do more of what I'm already doing.

I told him he didn't need to come over in the morning. I'm going to a morning Al Anon and I'm taking the kids with me. He thought I might appreciate his help. I said, "I appreciate your help but I can handle it on my own. S4 dresses and feeds himself and so that helps me out a lot."

I no longer look forward to his presence. It's just a reminder that he doesn't want to commit. It hurts more than anything.

Going to journal in my book and read some Al Anon meditation books to focus on myself while the kids are tucked in bed.
I thank God I get to see my babies everyday and I can appreciate them even when they are asleep!