Man it hurts. I haven't felt like this in I don't know how long. I don't recall feeling like this at all during the last two years of MLC. I'm finding it hard to focus, much less function. I'm not losing control for the most part, but it's hard sometimes to not dwell on this whole mess. When I'm alone at home, I will occasionally break down in tears, only for a moment, but I know where they come from.

My heart broke last night when I dropped the kids off at her house and his car was in the driveway. It broke today when S13 said his life [censored] and S7 said he can't wait to stop going to his mom's house. I almost cried in front of my kids. In a moment of weakness, and poor judgement on my part, I told S13 that I'm aware that his mom would rather spend time with him vs. me. That there's nothing I can do about it, but I can't stand to be within a mile of EA/OM. It hurts.

One of my co-workers shocked me the other day when she said she tried to set me up with a friend of hers, but that her friend is in a really bad place with her H having recently left her and the kids. I told her that it was considerate and very kind to have thought of me when she didn't have too. She commented on how I am a really good guy and I deserve to find a good person in return. Because of the way my week has been going, I almost teared up at work after I went back to my desk. This [censored]. Work had been so busy this past week and I can't seem to drown myself in it enough to push the feelings back. I think part of it is also the impending gloom of going out of town next weekend to where all of the in-laws are.

I have stuff going on in their neck of the woods and they're coming to see me. MIL wants me to come to her house before I head back home. I'm actually afraid of these people in my current state of emotional turmoil. I love them so much and they're persistent about me being a part of their family, but I don't trust them anymore. I know that if I say anything about how I feel it will get back to my W. They don't mean any harm by it, but they'd do it out of concern and it wouldn't be helpful at all.

I really do feel alone these past few weeks. I don't know how else to explain it. I'm trying to put on a happy face, but I think people are seeing through it at times. I'm angry that I got so lazy and boring in the run up to my W's MLC. But I'm angry that once she sets her mind on something, she's never wrong even when I know she is.

GOSH! Even while writing tonight I can't keep the thoughts out of my mind regarding EA being a PA. It never bothered me before, but this week its been dumping pounds of salt into deep wounds. I want it to stop! I want to be happy! I'm afraid to ask that my love for my (ex)W be released, because I can't stop reliving S13 telling me his life [censored] and S7 wanting mom to come home. If I ask out loud for my love to be returned to me, I fear I will never be able to share it with her again and therefore letting my boys down by letting go of hope.

I'm so close to speaking the words out loud. I forced myself to promise that I wouldn't say those words out loud as long as I was in this bad state. It wouldn't be fair if I did. Now I'm mulling about the idea of asking my W to be a bit more considerate in regards to me dropping the kids off at her place when EA/OM is there. I don't know one way or the other iif that's a good idea and I'm not asking for advice, but it's one of those things where I'm just trying to let go and let a high power decide that fate for me.

The other day my W called to piss on me about how I made a mess of something. For the first time in a very long time, I shut her up. I was in public so I couldn't raise my voice, but it was pretty clear I was not happy with her. I told her (sternly) that I'm sorry, I made a careless mistake and didn't mean too, but it happened and I'm sorry. I then told her that if all she was doing was to call me and complain about me making a mistake, she'd have to save it for another day because I was in no mood for it. She asked me what was wrong with me and I gave the usual response - I'm just busy. I followed that up with asking her if there was anything else she wanted to talk to me about other than her personal gripe and she said no.

I felt pretty good for a few moments after that call, only find my joy was only skin deep since I knew I really just wanted to give her the middle finger and couldn't.

This week [censored] bad. School starts back up on Monday and I feel miles away from being equipped to handle getting my head back in place. I'm kind of desperate. I told my co-worker that even though her friend may be a wreck right now, anonymity is a gift and I don't ever have to meet her in person. With that, I gave her my email address and told her that if her friend ever just wants to vent, she can feel free to drop me an email, because I know how much all this [censored].