Now Separated, Am I doing the right things?

[Denver_2010]

How are you today Rough?

I was reading along...you have so much to think about and absorb from these posts..so much caring and insightful advice. I am always thinking about you Rough, and I know you are feeling an explosion of emotions. That is why this struck me from Denver (and thank you Denver for posting it because its really spot on in terms of how it feels...sometimes we need others to clarify...you give wonderful advice...i know we don't communicate but i want to thank you because what you write helps a lot of us)

Thanks Busting. I always enjoy reading your posts as well. I enjoy coming here and getting involved with a handful of people who are going through what I went through. I am paying it forward so to speak. It's the least that I can do for all of the people who did the same for me when I was in the sh!t.

The hard part about what I am doing now, is that I get emotionally invested in the situations that I follow. You kind of feel helpless at times on this end.

[labug]

Rough, I think you're getting there but you may be a bit afraid of really naming your fears. I think sometimes we carry an idea from childhood that if we name our fears, they will come true.

Balderdash! (love that word)

My fears were:
1) H wouldn't come back. He hasn't, I've managed to survive and thrive.
2) No one would ever love me again. Lots of people love me, I have great friends who love me warts and all. I'm not the same person H fell in love with, actually I am a better person. I love me, and that's the most important. I may have a R with a man in the future, who knows. It's not important right now.
3) My sons would hold a grudge as they might see me as the person responsible for their Dad leaving. My sons and I have forged much deeper Rs since the S. As I've become a better person, I've become a better mother.
4) I would be a woman of a certain age all alone. This one still gets to me on occasion but for the most part, I'm fine. We've been S for 18 mos and there are definitely some positives. I get lonely at times but then I shake myself and find something to do.

My IC helped me work through these, and she has been relentless in asking the right questions.

What I've learned. Fear is a part of this and not to be ignored or quashed. It has little to do with someone else making us scared because the fear is within us. Once you face that and deal with it, life gets easier.

Write out your fears and follow them to their end point. Uncover why you have that fear. If you have an IC enlist their help with this.

I just had a phone call from a friend who visited the Grand Canyon today-they left quickly because she couldn't stand to look over the edge. We're much the same, it's difficult to look over the edge into the unknown because our fear takes over.

Be brave, walk to the edge and look over.

[Beardown]

Hi Rough,
I am new to the community but have been reading your sitch all week. I am new and in moderation so my sitch has not been posted. I admire your tenacity and I wish you the strength to carry on. You have given me hope!

[Arsene]

I am processing the meaningful posts from the both of you and 25. She can make a grown man cry

She has, many times!

[Arsene]

How are you today Rough?

I was reading along...you have so much to think about and absorb from these posts..so much caring and insightful advice. I am always thinking about you Rough, and I know you are feeling an explosion of emotions. That is why this struck me from Denver (and thank you Denver for posting it because its really spot on in terms of how it feels...sometimes we need others to clarify...you give wonderful advice...i know we don't communicate but i want to thank you because what you write helps a lot of us)

Rough ARE going to be ok. We all believe it.


I know exactly where you are emotionally right now. Your W's email was a let down and, it has you scared. I get it. I really do. I went through this experience, oh, I don't know, half a dozen times. That feeling like maybe things are looking up and maybe I see a light at the end of the tunnel, to having that feeling crushed, and having to face the fact that i was no where close to the end.

I get it. You are hurt, frustrated, and afraid that this is it for your M.

You will get through it though. I promise. And each time that it happens, it will get easier, less painful. Because you will learn that none of it is permanent... that it is not going to kill you... that you ARE going to be okay regardless. We can say these things to you, to ourselves, to everyone else, as much as we want, til we're blue in the face... but until it really settles into your head and heart, it doesn't seem true. But I will say it again... you are going to be good Rough. Regardless.

So for now... allow yourself to experience all of these feelings. There is no way through pain, but through it. There is no way around it and no short cut through it. You can build a wall around your heart to protect yourself from it, but I promise you that that is no way to live.

Allow yourself to go through it. Cry, yell, go beat a punching bag, go lift some weights, lie in bed all day for a weekend, whatever you need to do. Just allow yourself to go through it.

Then you decide what you want to do from here... and we reassess your situation.

Dust your pants off, get up, and keep moving forward.

Yeah Rough. I'm getting loads off this as well. Thanks Denver! It really helps. It seems like the Freshmen are all going through similar things in their sitches. Must be end of term exams.

[Carnac]

Holy crap labug this is really incredible stuff.....its exactly what my IC and I have been dealing with lately. Especially learning to see the faults in those thoughts. Its actually a cognitive therapy technique to use a 'double column' technique in which you put the thoughts on one side and dispel them with truths on the other side.

And what your wrote about your fears resonates with me beyond belief.

[roughenough]

I fear my W divorcing me.
I fear my W getting serious with OM.
I fear never having my W again.
I fear the future of a blended family.
I fear the future of not having my family intact.

[keep_going]

And what your wrote about your fears resonates with me beyond belief.

^^^^^Ditto here, Labug.

Thanks to everyone who is contributing to this thread. I am learning vicariously through all of your posts.

[bustingout]

wow labug....that hit me hard. I am going to save that and reread it. Thank you for sharing it. It really is that internal fear that holds us back.

This thread is full of wisdom, knowledge and throughout-provoking posts. Thanks to all on it.

Rough---our fears are the same....

[bustingout]

I am paying it forward so to speak. It's the least that I can do for all of the people who did the same for me when I was in the sh!t.

The hard part about what I am doing now, is that I get emotionally invested in the situations that I follow. You kind of feel helpless at times on this end.


It is so very much appreciated. You have helped me in many ways for the past few months.