Help on how to behave

[25yearsmlc]

25rsmlc, thanks. I did get W a card, simple nothing mushy etc. Wrote a short few sentences thanking W for coming into my life and did put that 'although it is a difficult time, I see our ann as something to remember'. When I gave it to her she broke down in tears, apologised she had not got me anything. I said I was not expecting anything. I told her I wld leave the card on the fireplace to read it in her own time if she wished. By the end of the next day sh still had not opened it so I removed it and have stored it somewhere safe. I removed as I did not want her to feel pressured into reading it.


Do Not remove something that does not belong to you. That card is hers. Now she'll assume you wrote more than you did. Put it back and stop the mind reading.



This was an incredibly bad sign tho. I am not sure how to read it.


You cannot "read it" so stop trying. Nor is it "an incredibly bad sign"... For all we know, she feels regret or guilt or thinks she is being selfish for not getting you anything...AND

BURNING the card without reading it, or throwing it in your face would be "incredibly bad signs"...she did neither. HEREs what I want you to know...

My biggest regret in my h's MLC (or whatever it was) and our whole ordeal,

and there are many regrets on my end,

is how much precious time I WASTED asking "Why???" which is unanswerable

AND trying to mind read and predict the future.

It'd have been so MUCH MUCH better for me to focus on what I needed/wanted to create in MY life and my children's lives. We could have healed faster.

We only have so much time AND energy in this life. Don't waste it on guessing games.


It makes me think of comments she made after BD that she wld not allow herself to be talked out of her decision. I think she may have seen a card as pressure.

---and THAT is why a card with an innocuous message SHOULD be read by her, not hidden. (not to mention how weird it is, and possibly "Mean spirited" it could look to her for you to take it away. TO HER it may seem like you got mad that she didn't get you anything so you withdrew your card.

See how all the mind reading and guessing MUST stop? Communicate directly and take their words at face value (NO mind reading and do this----even if you have to fake as if you believe them

b/c we know what they say, MAY NOT be true, AND OR

MAY not last even if the words are "true", at the very moment they utter them...b/c as we all know quite well by now

people change their minds and their emotions change too.

Take a breath and relax some more. You are too into "doing SOMETHING" and must learn to focus on YOUR life, not hers or her reaction or what she might be thinking/planning or feeling.

Enough of that. Truly. Wrap your brain around only working on YOU.

How are your 180s going? Are you becoming a man only a fool would leave?

IMO, that's where you ought to be spending your mental and physical energies.


I know she is done with M so am not v surprised. As everone has said there truly is just me working on this.


What? You KNOW this? How so?

And "EVERYONE" has said...? I didn't know there were global polls. BTW, no one asked ME the question...

I'll only say this once more...STOP the mind reading. 3 reasons for NOT doing it.

1) IT also has such a negative bent to it, it cannot help you DO well at DBing so your PMA and behavior changes are that much harder.

2) You feel like crap but you deserve to feel better. So You must Knock it off.

3) I am not at all sure it's even accurate, So it DETRACTS FROM YOUR PERSONAL WORK...and that work of yours, must continue...no matter what choices she may make.

If she won't try in the marriage EVER, and then sufficient time passes - if that remains true, THEN you can reassess.

Stop borrowing trouble from tomorrow. Work on you today...

Learn to

Be Here Now.

So short answer is anniversary bombed! We rae getting along better but she is still intent on 'escaping' as she calls it! She keeps referring to me as her keeper, has stopped spending money out of our joint account cos she says it is not hers to spend etc.

what were the SPECIFIC money issues you guys had? What did she SAY about it?

What's the money situation? Are you in control of it or counting it or what?

Her comment and refusal to use joint accounts (which is super good to a lot of folks here, who have the Opposite happen and see their savings dwindle and I am a case in point, fwiw...)

It means something. YOU are not to mind read here, but tell us what she has SAID OR DONE in the past and what have YOU done or said

about money? This is a valuable clue you can use to demonstrate change in you.

Note, there's only ONE way for a WAS to return to a marriage AND restore it to stay...what is that one (1) way to return/restore a marriage?

That's when the WAS believes marriage to the LBSer,

can be better/different than before.

YOU must DEMONSTRATE that, with actions and behavioral changes in YOU.

Not mere words...but follow up. We know SHE also has her work to do but since she's not here, posting or asking for feedback OR working to save the marriage,

and you are---- we only work on you. LATER on, we deal with the rest of the issues. One step at a time. Make sense?

You may wonder, but "WHen will she believe the changes have occurred enough to trust that they'll last?" B/C the WAS nearly always fears that the marriage will revert to what it was before, which is what they left.

They worry that the LBSer is making "fake" changes that are merely tactics to win her back. They have good reason to fear this since usually, they've seen temporary changes before...SO

Small but consistent changes, + sufficient time = change she can believe in.


So what are YOU DOING that's different/better than before? Be as concrete and specific as possible (and put that card back where YOU said it'd be. You could have reassured her that reading it would not make her eyes fall out.

Of course I'm assuming your rendition of what you wrote ( ie no pressure)
is accurate. IF So, tell her "hey the card is no biggie and there's no proposal OR divorce filing OR ANTRAX in it so you can open it..." (Only say this if she already thinks you're witty)

Point is, taking it away is NOT going to be interpreted well by her and you two do enough of that guessing stuff. See how wacky that gets?



But we are getting along fine, have not spoken about her moving out (althouhg still def on her agenda)and even had the odd laugh together!

I have taken a couple of weeks off work to take S to and from school so she can go out on her dog walk in the mornings with her buddies. This is helping as it is her sanctuary.

I am using the time to up my gym sessions, get some yard jobs done before winter sets in, even got myself a suntan I'm looking better than I have done in years even if I say so myself .

That is Great! Really it is! Hmm, let's tweak it up a bit. So How about a new different cologne? NOT one she "just loves"...but not if she hates cologne or is allergic. I'm one of the many women I know who love fragrance on a man.
Any new outfits? Just something more up-to-date, casual but nice, NO tee shirts...and definitely the type of thing you'd wear on a date.

NOT b/c you're playing games, mind you,

but b/c you MIGHT be getting ready to 1) woo her back AND OR

2) date or woo someone else sometime...and or

3) b/c you like looking good

and NOT just at work (if you wear suits at work)


I have been catching up on reading, DR again and a lot about MLC. I was surprised at the similarities to W and it scared me a bit.


It scared me too. Did it scare you Because of how long it may last AND b/c there are no guarantees that EVEN IF she is in MLC, she may not come home and if she does, she may be a different woman than before?

I get that. I really do. After awhile I stopped trying to label my h's behavior b/c it made me believe, wrongly, that I had figured him/this out. And it did NOT change my course of action so I finally gave up trying to "KNOW WHY" this happened.

I stopped asking "WHY WHY WHY????" b/c really, are there any "good, satisfying" answers out there? IMO, there are not.

But in our sitch, we moved on and though there were some questions I'll never get an answer to, I'm okay with that. Partly b/c I doubt my h knows the answers.

So why should I obsess about things in him that HE does NOT know? Don't forget that the WAS is confused. So imo,

what matters is NOT what happened yesterday (though if we can learn from it, DO SO)

but "From this day forward", which I think is in our marriage vows for a very good reason I never contemplated before I came here.

Detaching is making steady progress but a long way to go. I still need to up my GAL but I am making progress-i had forgotten how much me had been lost. I need to work on my personaility more - laughing more etc to maintain a positive vibe. This is easier when S is around!

I am getting to grips with patience hence me not posting every small detail here and trying not to read too much in the daily ups and downs.

Overall, I think I am in a better place than a couple of weeks ago, W generally seems happier which is good.

Thanks for the support again. I wld be interested in views re how the anniversary card went as I am seeing this as a v bad sign but trying my best not to let it derail me again.

Do NOT let it derail you at all.

Realistically, what could you expect? Her to say "OMG GREAT CARD! I feel so good that I chose not to get you anything b/c I had no idea what to get. If i got you "too much" you might read into it and we both know YOU DO read into things...and if I got you a tiny cheap thing, you'd think I was cheap or selfish

and since we have our weird money issue, MAYBE I didn't want to "waste" too much money on something you don't need (b/c maybe in the past you made comments about it???)

Or maybe b/c I didn't have enough of MY own money, I didn't know what to do so I was in a state of "Paralysis by analysis"...

RKY, you see how wacky this mind reading thing gets? It's nutty.

Move on and be glad she acknowledged the anniversary, and said she was sorry she got you nothing. Enough said.


Keep on posting...

Btw, how are you liking the Div Busting or Div Remedy book?

Did you read both or either, or neither?

I'm asking b/c I don't hear a lot about your 180s or your NEW changes and that often means the poster has not read them. It's crucial to read it so you grasp the concepts here. Though DBing is "simple" it's radically different than many other approaches and God knows I tried many.

DBing is simple, as in, it's not complicated. But it is not easy. Often it is counter intuitive but when examined more closely, it makes sense.

Do it for awhile, as in chunks of 90 day increments perhaps. THEN monitor, in addition to noting any positives along the way.

How are you again becoming the man she fell in love with?