Back to Square One?

[mamabird]

I really like what you ladies have to say. Lots of good insight. So comforting to know that other people deal with the same frustrating issues. Wendylon, you are handling this with aplomb, but honestly, I think that a happy W does have to overlook a lot of her H's idiosyncrasies. (Do I sound like I'm from 1950?)

Seriously though. It is all about communication. If we can get to a point where we're communicating clearly and openly I think that is at least half the battle. Focus on your goals, focus on letting go of the little things. Focus on being content with what you've got if you can - and if not, then work on changing what you can control.

[Wendylon]

Thank you very much, Tumbling, Tori and Regretful for your encouraging and wise words.

Tumbling, you do make me laugh. I'm often the one with my panties in a twist!

First of all, I won the appeal against Social Services yesterday so everything seems rosier. It was daunting as the appeal panel consisted of 8 people and I then had to wait a couple of hours before I heard the outcome. I'm thrilled because S13's care plan is actually better than it was before the latest review which I was appealing. Thank you very much, Tori, for wishing me good luck.


Positives with H:

-He hugged me as I left for the appeal and wished me luck and said he really appreciated me doing this.

-He joined me later at the cafe that I go to daily. He's never wanted to come there with me before even though they make great coffee and I'd 'invited' him several times. He somehow seemed to think of it as my territory and went to his own haunts instead. It was his idea to meet me there yesterday after the appeal. I got the news on my phone just as he was arriving at the cafe so he was able to be the first person to celebrate the good news.

-He had originally told me that he couldn't come to my friend's private viewing last night but hadn't said why. Yesterday, he revealed that he was going to a friend's book launch and said I was welcome to go along with him. (I didn't go but it was nice to know that I could have).

-I told him that my grandmother has breast cancer (which I'm v sad about and nearly wish she didn't know it as she's 95 and has a good life at the moment) and he asked if he could email her.

-I told him about my mother's marital problems (her third husband) and he has been sympathetic and interested in knowing more details.

-He's initiated more convos and has wanted me to watch clips from Life of Brian with him.

-He sent me several emails today about various things (9--I've just counted).

-He asked about when supper would be and was only about 5 minutes late.



My 180s:

- When H got back at 10.30pm from the book launch last night which started at 6.30pm (seems v long to me), I acted as if I was completely unfazed and made no reference to the time.

-H never made it to the bedroom for the night. I assume he fell asleep downstairs. I didn't go and retrieve him and get him to come to bed. This morning I didn't comment at all on the fact that he hadn't slept in our bed.

-He'd definitely had a few drinks but I said nothing about it.


The trickiest bit of the last couple of days occurred when he insisted on flossing his teeth while we watched our daily episode of The Good Wife. I felt so irritated. I asked him if we could pause the DVD and resume when he'd finished flossing but he said a bit aggressively "We're watching and I'm flossing". I managed not to let it escalate and more or less put up with it, although I did give him the look a couple of times.

Tumbling, he's the one who picks his teeth incessantly and not S17. I keep telling him he should go and get his teeth sorted. I like your comment about picking one's battles and boundaries. Regretful, you are right that I need to let go of the little things. His little things infuriate me and I think my reaction to them has caused lots of damage in that he feels controlled and criticised.

Like you, Regretful, we're minus 2 kids this weekend which will make for a different dynamic. (Only S17 is here so we're as good as on our own.) I'll do my own thing and will see if he initiates any time together. He did ask me this morning if I wanted to celebrate winning the appeal. I said 'sure' but nothing concrete has been organised since then. I won't expect any more than our nightly episode of the Good Wife.

[tori2012]

Wow, Wendylon, lots of good news! The appeal is the most important one, and I'm very happy it went well.

Your H is reaching out, which is also great. Yes, the little things can be infuriating (I know. My H flosses everywhere-while driving, even when I was still finishing my dinner!)I think it's good to bring up things that bother you when you are both relaxed...but if this is one of the reasons he was pulling away, maybe you could do a 180 and not mention anything until your R is stable. Just a thought.

You're doing great. Again, glad to hear the good news! :-)

[Wendylon]

Thank you, Tori. It's really nice to know that other partners can do some of the same infuriating things. It's so nice to be able to depersonalise the behaviour somehow. That's one the things I love about this board: seeing all the similarities in our sitches and knowing about some of the scripts that seem to be in play (ILYBINILWY).

I'm still feeling more positive about my sitch.

I wasn't sure whether or not H would be home for supper today as we hadn't discussed it. I had zero expectations and I knew that I'd have a nice evening regardless of whether or not he would be home. However, he was home when I got back and we had a nice supper with S17. We've just watched an episode of The Good Wife with no flossing. H didn't bolt out of the TV room quite as quickly as he usually does.

He didn't go to my friend's private viewing (he'd missed Wednesday's and tonight was the second chance and he'd said he was going) but I didn't say anything. My normal response would have been to say, "Why haven't you gone to friend's private viewing? You told her you were going tonight so you should. Nothing unexpected has come up since you said you would go so you have to go". Basically, I'm trying not to follow up on topics, which is a major 180 for me. Usually, I let nothing drop and hate it when he behaves inconsistently.

Earlier today, H told me how he got caught up in lying to the Head at S13's school to protect someone who is leaving the school and wants to work with H. I felt really critical and thought that it was so typical of H to lie and for that to get him in trouble. My 180 was to listen and not give him a lecture. I did say a couple of things about it but with more detachment than usual and then didn't follow it up. He volunteered the information this evening that he'd seen the Head again today and had come clean with her and that she really appreciated it. I congratulated him on sorting out the problem.

The weird thing is that I started by acting as if I felt fine regardless of H a few weeks ago and I'm now genuinely starting to feel as if my contentment isn't dependent on him. It is so freeing and we are definitely getting on better. He doesn't seem as allergic to me.

Funnily enough, it feels as if S17 is also less allergic to me. I've also been dropping the rope with him and it's paying off. In many ways, H and S17 react to me in similar ways. It's really nice to see them both softening a bit towards me.

I have zero expectations of H wanting to have much to do with me this weekend and that's fine. D15 and S13 aren't back until Sunday evening and I'm just going to enjoy a quiet life with few stressors over the next couple of days.

[tori2012]

Awesome, Wendylon. It's true, when you start acting a different way, you will eventually really feel that way. I think it's the law of Assumption (by Neville) in action.

DB techniques work on all relationships, not only with S's. I've helped a friend who was having a terrible time with her 22-year-old son by telling her to apply DB on him. It worked!

No one likes to be told what to do, Wayne Dyer says, because it's like we're telling them: "We don't trust your true nature. We know better. So do as we say." And they react by pulling away from us. People need to learn on their own...by trying things...by making mistakes. And while they learn, some of those people hurt others, and break promises, and end marriages, but it's part of our human interactions. If you think about it, R problems have been happening since the beginning of mankind. And have the new generations learned anything? No. There are still affairs. There are lies. There is betrayal. There are annoying habits. There are disagreements. There is abuse. There are communication breakdowns. And this board will be populated with a whole new group of people when we are gone. Yup. Sad but it puts things in perspective.

[MKB23]

I have really used the 5LL on my kids. I made it a point though to also sit them down and we all discussed it and then they were able to see how their behavior had impacted their reactions. Very cool. That is one of the positive things to come out of my sitch

[Wendylon]

I agree, MKB, applying 5LL and DB to all relationships works really well.

Tonight was difficult and I backslid a bit.

H had too much too drink (by my standards) before we went out for our regular Sunday supper. As part of my 180s, I don't comment on his state anymore. When I used to, he'd say that he'd only had a couple of glasses of wine and that I was over-reacting and the evening would go downhill from there. It's never got us anywhere. I've said on this board before before that H seems to cycle between over-eating, smoking and drinking. He is always doing something 'forbidden' and being secretive and defensive about it. At this point, I think I prefer the secret smoking.

I have a history of commenting on his smoking and eating--two things he hates me doing. I comment because it drives me crazy that he thinks I can't tell and that he lies about it. I shouldn't be using the present tense because I have decided not to comment anymore!

I wasn't enjoying being with him tonight. He reeked of alcohol and asked me to repeat everything I said. He just didn't seem that with it, apart from when he was holding forth about how he'd have a talk with S17 about he needs to knuckle down if he wants to get into a good university, all of which I've heard before, not even so long ago as this morning. In fact, this morning he said he'd talk to S17 over breakfast. Of course, he didn't. I was thinking to myself that once again it was all hot air and for once I didn't have any expectations. In the past, I would have followed up and asked if he'd spoken to S17 and if he hadn't I would have queried him about that. I've been as predictable in following up on him as he has been in not following through.

On our way back from diner, we went by the train station to pick up D15 and the older sister of a school friend of D15. They were back from a school trip--they are at the same school. We dropped D15's friend's sister off at her house and H said to me, "She isn't at all the way I remember her". Thinking that he'd never really met her and that he was confusing her with her sister (D15's friend who he has met), I said, "Well, you've never met her". I should have added "properly". Anyway, he lost it and said "How dare you say that I haven't met her? What do you know about who I've met and not met? It's the kind of thing that drives me crazy about you..." I just said, "I'm sorry but I thought you were getting her mixed up with her sister". (I still think that is the case!) He's been in a huff every since. He stares at me coldly and looks angry.

I was hearing all about the trip from D15 and he stormed into the kitchen saying that we'd skipped an episode from the Good Wife and that I'd got things wrong. It turns out I hadn't. One episode that we watched when he'd had a few drinks was one where he wasn't following the plot very well. He then asked if we were going to watch one tonight and I said I thought it was a bit late. He left the kitchen ungraciously. I actually had thought to myself that I didn't want to watch an episode with him tonight because I hate the smell of alcohol and I hate how 'stupid' he gets when he's had a few drinks. He misses the plot and he's a bit hostile, aggressive and volatile. I don't like being around him then.

He went into his study and started typing furiously. God knows, who he's writing to.

He's now asleep and I managed to stay away from him the rest of the evening so no more damage.

I feel like setting some boundaries around his drinking before our regular Sunday supper. I'd rather he had a couple of glasses with supper than top up before. It's a very sensitive topic so I could easily make him furious.

We haven't mentioned it in a while, but there are some vague plans about us going on holiday, the two of us, later this year. I don't want to go while he's in this drinking phase. I'm not sure how I'd say that though without getting into a fight.

He's off for work early Tues am to another country and then is just back overnight on Friday before he goes off to yet another country to stay with my father and step-mother (where he'll have a lot to drink since they do) until the following Wednesday. I'm looking forward to the break from trying so hard with him and hoping to recharge my batteries while he's away.

Any help most appreciated.

[Wendylon]

Today, I ended up talking with H about our Sunday evenings. I said it didn't work for me to go out for supper with him after he'd been drinking--which happens most Sundays. He listened and said he was having a rethink about alcohol and might start some new rules (alcohol only with food and socially). We'll see. I thanked him for listening calmly. Next time we go out ( in two weeks), he agreed that he'd have a couple of glasses with supper as opposed to drinking before we go out, on an empty stomach.

He then came running after me to say that he'd emailed S17 (who was in the house at the time) about the two of them going out for supper tonight so they could talk. I'm not sure S17 will knuckle down but nice that H plans on following through

[Tumbling]

Hey Wendylon
I've not been over "here" for a while.
Thanks for dropping by my thread.
I see you are having success all round with the "dropping the rope" and keeping your panties on properly!!!
I figure it's all cause and effect.

I also agree depersonalising behaviour is a great thing to have discovered via the board. I used to think H does that to annoy me (how self orientated) but H is just H and others may do the same thing.

I realised that I even did this w food, the other day, when I said I like jacket potatoes with cheese and coleslaw and a friend answered ewww and I said really, you don't like that? She shook her head. I accepted that was how she was but god forbid if H said he didn't like something I liked. How ridiculous!

Yes, "we'll see" on the alcohol with others and food only rule based on what you told us previously. I'm sure you'll DB the "manage" or "remind" him part of you...something I know I am crap at!

Enjoy your break from H whilst he's away

[Wendylon]

Thanks for dropping by, Tumbling. I hope you're right that I'll DB my tendency to manage and remind him of his declarations re alcohol! Thank you for highlighting the need for that. Traditionally, that is one of my most automatic reactions (the policing one) so I'll really have to really watch myself.

No news from H since he left very early yesterday morning. He didn't say good bye the night before or wake me up to say good bye. I guess I didn't make that effort either. I'm wondering whether I should email/text or wait for him to initiate. Making contact feels like such a strong itch which needs to be scratched. For now, I'll leave him to do it though. I may change my mind later in the day. I know he's working which means he has his laptop on (actually he pretty much always has his laptop in front of him) and he's the king at doing several things on his laptop at once so he could easily email me while working.

I'm getting S13 up and ready for school in the mornings in H's absence and I have to say that I appreciate H doing it when he's here. It's not that S13 is difficult but I hate getting up in the dark.