Quote: My C said recently that H is doing what many people in his sitch do: mistaking the pain he was feeling for the M as a whole and throwing out the wrong one! Path of least resistance and new life and all that stuff Seattle said earlier.
Also said only a man who didn't want to see could miss seeing the opportunity he now has with his W... that THIS is what intimacy is truly about if that's what he's really seeking.
AND C allowed me to see that all this "stealing BIL" stuff is just him projecting feelings of loss-- more of not wanting to go deep and ask himself what the real reasons are that he "wants to" leave his M and lose all these things he says he is losing... asking what is really worth all that and are his M issues past or present?
WOW! One smart C! I totally agree! I pray your H wakes up before he goes through with the D, but there is always the option of remarrying!
Just wanted to say hello and have you know I'm still here, just haven't been posting. I think your C has nailed it down for you, you seem to have a good grip on the current and now.
You asked if you could make him see what he is losing. I think he does see it, but refuses to accept that he can be happy and is afraid to risk it. YOu know the story.
As far as you making him realize, you already have made him realize and I know you will continue to make him realize. The question at the end of the day I guess is the fear of leaving you for somthing uncertain greater than the fear of risking coming back and falling into the same pattern. If they are comfortable enough with coming back and the fear of leaving is greater, than why leave? The strength of each individual is also a main factor.
You are a good person and have made some great strides. I know you are a DRer for life so you are already attractive, to him and everyone else!
Don't you just love yoga?? I truly feel different when I am doing it on a regular basis!!
I agree that you have a wonderful C. Your h and mine seem to be going down the same raod...basically throwing out the baby with the bath water!!
I think it is a good idea to save your analysis for here or for your C and NOT do it with H!!!
Interesting what C said about his reaction to "stealing BIL". h and I went through this for a while and I never thought of it like this.
I have stayed friendly with his brother and his wife and for while H had a real probelm with it. The one day (prepare for alien speak...) he told me he wanted me to be able to have a R with his family!! Go figure!!!!!!!
Keep up the great work, Wonder!!
PS...did I miss the post about your website? I'm curious (but very proud of you!)......
Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.... (thoreau)
Quote: You asked if you could make him see what he is losing. I think he does see it, but refuses to accept that he can be happy and is afraid to risk it. YOu know the story.
Seattle, nice of you to come visit! Thanks for saying this. Somehow you always use the words that articulate my thoughts better than I'm doing. I really hope that he does know and does see and realize... but then that makes me sad too that he'd still choose to keep us apart.
SS, yoga is amazing. I was just saying to a friend yesterday exactly what you said: I DO feel differently when I'm not practicing. The web site is for my new editing/copywriting business. H suggested a while ago that I download a template and use that, and I don't know how to make it work. So I may just scrap the money I paid and make a basic one in Frontpage, though it won't be as impressive. I mentor a teenager and his friends told me the other day that it's easy to make a web page, so apparently I'm just clueless...
The BIL thing really has bothered me -- even though logically I know better. I've stayed friendly and actually developed better Rs with my BIL/SIL during our S. My H and his B aren't close, but they both kind of wish they were. I wish they were too. My MIL has done her controlling best to derail our friendship, however, so I think some of H's comments may be MIL-instilled too.
Deb, you should have big smiley faces near your name. You're always so cheery and positive. Thanks so much for spreading your sunshine my way!
I haven't heard from H in almost 2 weeks. Do you think I should contact him? (FYI-- we've been dark for this period of time before.)
In my email I said he should let me know when he was ready to discuss a settlement and how he wanted to handle things. Is it good that he isn't calling to talk about this?
Should I call him to discuss it? (It might be good for me to talk about this before I decide how to answer his papers-- or not.).
Should I call to say hello and see how he's doing. I do want to know.
Or should I let him come find me should he so choose?
Should I put the whole thing aside and go on a Victoria's Secret shopping spree?
Any thoughts? Not sure what I think yet, but leaning toward #4, so feedback would be great.
I personally like 4 also! All this talk of thongs, lingerie, lace, and panties is really getting to me!
Seriously though, go with your gut. What seems the most difficult? If you really want to find out how he is doing, the difficult thing would be to wait until he contacts you. Reading what you said earlier, maybe he isn't ready to contact you because of this subject?
If you do contact him, maybe make it way more casual. Hey, how's it going? Did you see whatever movie, go to whatever restaurant or small talk? I would guess this dark time is good, means he is thinking and processing.
If he wasn't considering things, you would have recieved a call either way right? Let the OW hang herself with the extra rope you have given.
I too have been in this stich, to call or not to call, that is the question.
If you think enough time has pasted, then call. I found it best to set myself some 'rules' 1. At a time where i felt really. really good. 2. Put on dinner (or something) so that you can only talk for a very limited time ie 10/15 min. 3. Have something really fun to do after. 4. DO NOT R DO NOT, bring up the topics of D, R or S or even anything to do with it. 5. Keep it very light and cheery etc, etc.
This i found made all the difference for me, and surprised H, especially keeping the call very short. I went dark for about 3 weeks and then called him for a very brief 5 min. first of. After any extended period of darkness i would give him a quick call with the longest being 10 min. I made a put of having NO particular excuse for calling other than i would call any friend who i haven't heard from in a while just to say hi.
Lets us know how you get on, and take care.
Lee
PS I too practice Yoga, made a big difference to me. Any one tried pilates?
Hi Lee and Seattle... thanks for the great feedback! I read it earlier bit had no time to post.
What's hardest? NOT calling is very hard sometimes. And you're both right... calling with R or D talk is just not a great idea.
His silence may mean considering things, I'd hope that and it has been the case before. But may mean he's avoiding me like the proverbial plague. Or that he is afraid to talk to me after giving me D papers as a birthday present.
We're having a big storm here. I was still in my car during the time H usually is considering leaving work, so I texted him to drive safely and that I was thinking of him. Short. Considerate. Honest and (I hope) can't be taken as anything else.
I also scheduled fun plans for tomorrow, Thursday and Saturday, got a coupon for VS that I will have to use this week, heard one of my projects came in 2nd place in a contest, and actually enjoyed it when someone I know decided to be very flirty with me. All in all, a pretty good day.
wonder
P.S. I've been wondering about pilates. Have a friend who raves over the benefits, but it seems like work to me. Yoga isn't "work". I am thinking about taking up belly dancing and/or salsa...
Was reading your thread today and thinking your H is very communicative very articulate when he talks with you. He lets you know exactly where his head is at--or so it seems. Whereas my H is cryptic, says one thing yet means another, says assinine things to me, hurtful things, only opens after he's had some alcohol, his words and actions RARELY match. I don't know what I'm getting at here, but it's interesting the communication styles or so different yet they are basically saying the same things. does that make sense?
They're unhappy and can't figure out why, they just don't get it!! I think I read that men are just slow, they will catch up but they are just slower coming along. Even spiritually they have a harder time. Must be the nature of the beast.
Anyway I think you are doing great with your depressed H. My H is depressed but doubt he will ever do anything about it. Thus I continue to pray.
Wonder ~ I just wrote about this on my post! We are having a storm here too and I resisted the temptation to call H on the way home when I heard about an accident on the turnpkie.......GREAT MINDS!!!
I like the text you sent him--very appropriate!!!
Now off you go to VS......Thanks for remnding me about the VS coupon ~ I just love that place!!
BTW, Pilates is awesome ~ great for abs!!!
Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.... (thoreau)
does that make sense?