Here we go again...

[eyesopen]

I too received the passion and spark line. Funny thing is, is that she agreed that the kids took a lot of our time from each other. It shows how confused they are. Rather than spend more time together they would rather make it more difficult for themselves. Time, space and hope is our friend. Let them make there choices and mistakes while we pave the road home.

[ericmsant2]

Some

I will have a minimum of 50% custody. Divorce would go to court if she didn't agree.

Question….who do you think is the better parent? Who is in a better place to care for your son? FTR, you would be wise to avoid court at all cost..that said, if ya need to ya need to.

S and I would probably live in my parent's basement (it's a large house... you could almost consider the basement an apartment) for one year. During that year I would be saving up a down payment for a townhouse.

Why would you have to move? Is it that you alone cannot support the mtg payment? If YOU want to move because of the distance then fine…don’t make choices based on how you think she MAY take them.

[someguy1233]

Some

I will have a minimum of 50% custody. Divorce would go to court if she didn't agree.

Question….who do you think is the better parent? Who is in a better place to care for your son? FTR, you would be wise to avoid court at all cost..that said, if ya need to ya need to.

I honestly consider us pretty equal on a parenting level. That is why I would fight for 50% custody. I'm not saying I want to go to court.. that's a long expensive battle. But I love my son so much I would fight to be able to spend 50% of the time being a positive influence on his life.

S and I would probably live in my parent's basement (it's a large house... you could almost consider the basement an apartment) for one year. During that year I would be saving up a down payment for a townhouse.

Why would you have to move? Is it that you alone cannot support the mtg payment? If YOU want to move because of the distance then fine…don’t make choices based on how you think she MAY take them.

I could just barely afford the mortgage on my own. It would put me in a very uncomfortable financial situation with no hopes of ever saving a penny.

My parent's basement is no closer to the city. It would just be a rent/mortgage free location so I could build up a down payment.

Hopefully this type of thinking/planning is in vain. But I guess it's good to be somewhat prepared just in case.

[leopoldstotch]

The best advice I can give you right now SG is to work on yourself. Become the person you were that attracted your W to you in the begging. Do not act out of fear. Let her know that she can come to you if she needs to. She does need to work this out herself but you shouldn't be cold to her that's not what DBing is about. Be the rock. Don't let her tell you when it's over you be the one to decide when it's over and by that I don't mean to actually go up to her and say that you'll decide when it's over, lol (check my thread that will tell you when you decide it's over).

Right now it's a crazy time for both of you and you are going to hear more crazy chit then what you've already heard. Do not react to it at all. Let it roll off your back. Do not show her any anger. It seems she is already confused by you being kind. She isn't expecting that from you. Most of all please make sure that you are taking care of your S. You have a tough road ahead bud but no matter the outcome remember you will be better no matter what happens.

[leopoldstotch]

SG how are you doing?

[someguy1233]

Time for an update…
For the most part I stayed away from this forum this weekend. While I find this place VERY, VERY helpful and supportive sometimes I think that too much time here is actually counterproductive. It causes me to dwell on a situation that I have very little control over.

HER CHAT WITH HER MOM
On Friday evening W’s mom talked to her. I spoke with her afterwards. I do understand that typically involving family/friends is discouraged. However, her mom was involved during the affair years ago. W doesn’t know we speak and never will. I also needed to tell someone about W’s depression and anxiety. Since W wouldn’t listen to anything from me, I was hoping a family member will be able to help keep an eye on her. This isn’t necessarily as an attempt to save our R, but more so that they’re aware. Depression can be serious and given our situation, I’m barely in contact with W and can’t watch for worsening conditions. Hopefully she never gets worse, but there’s always that possibility…

Her mom confirmed W’s biggest complaints. She hates her job. She hates where we live. She’s doesn’t like our marriage. She said that whenever she brought up finding a new job I immediately quizzed her about the money and how we could afford for her to take a job with a lower pay. This made her feel like I was holding her in a job she hated.

She also told her mom that she can’t make me move closer to the city. I feel like this is a cop-out answer since I’ve already told her that I’m willing to move if it’s that important to her.

Overall, her mom said that she feels like she’s trapped in a bird cage and needs to escape. She’s convinced that I’m the one holding her in that cage.

Her mom said that W does seem to believe that separation would be a good way to figure things out.

She did mention that a week ago she was at home (not out drinking!) reading on the couch upstairs. I was working on the laptop on the couch downstairs. She said that in that moment she felt incredibly content and happy. I wish I knew what brought that on so I could try to recreate it.

The next day she said that she was very annoyed/angry with her mom. I think maybe this is a good thing… her mom may have struck a chord and made her think a little. She said her mom was saying things she's already thought of: she knows this affects S and that it's a big decision to break up the family. She also said her mom was telling her she needed to think about this more and that this isn’t the type of decision that should be made quickly. W said she told her, “I’m obviously still thinking. I haven’t talked to a lawyer yet.”


TALK WITH COWORKER
She said she talked to an ex-coworker for an hour on Friday night. He was helping to coach her on how to get her employer to give her more money. She said she plans to talk to her boss… she said she’ll explain that due to her personal situation she needs to move to a position in the company with better pay. (I’m assuming this is so that she can somehow come up with the money to get an apartment)


SATURDAY- TIME TOGETHER
Saturday morning we took S to swimming lessons. I had a blast with him in the water. W took pictures from the bleachers. She was mostly crabby and was trying to pick fights. I responded positively. She was again exhausted and hung over from another night of drinking.

We went grocery shopping together. We had lunch as a family.

I spent the day responding when spoken to, but mostly remaining quiet. I was happy when I did speak. While doing dishes she said, ”I don’t hate you, you know.” I nodded. She then asked me what I was thinking. I dodged the question saying that I didn't know and that there's a lot to think about.

After lunch we were standing near as we were about to handoff S. A song came on the radio and I started singing in a horrible falsetto. She laughed and gave me a hug.

SUNDAY NIGHT - SHE WANTS THE BED
Last night I came home in time to go to bed. As I walked down the hall W says from the couch, “I call the bed tonight.” I turned to look at her, “excuse me?” She said, “I call the bed. Either that or I’m sleeping downstairs and you can take care of S in the morning.”

I walked away to the bedroom to change clothes. When I came out she was downstairs. I assumed she went to sleep down there so I turned off the lights and went to bed.

She came back upstairs five minutes later and I could hear her very angrily whispering to herself, "I wasn't f-Ing done up here. I'll take care of all the (something) myself."

I have no idea what she was mad about. Or what she was taking care if "herself." There seems to be this double standard. She goes out drinking every other night or more, and leaves me to get everything ready for the next day for S, etc. When I go out (far less often) she still expects me to be her emotional support for S and come home help with stuff.

In general, she's been angry towards me all day- the few times is passed her.

This morning she brought up the bed situation again. She said that it isn’t fair and that it’s very uncomfortable for her to nurse S in the morning on the couch. I told her that she’s welcome in the bed but I don’t feel I should have to give up my bed. She angrily responded, “I see. You’re going to act like a 7th grader about all of this. Good to know. It really helps me.” I didn’t bother responding or getting worked up. Her comment really annoyed… I felt like she was trying to leverage my fear of divorce in order to get what she wanted. I’m not here to be taken advantage of.

THE FUN!
Saturday night I went to a concert with a close friend and my sister. We had a blast. It was an amazing show!
Sunday afternoon/evening I went to the range with my sister and her boyfriend. I’ve never shot a real gun. I got to shoot a 9mm, 45, revolver, and an M1A rifle. What a rush! I think I may have a new expensive hobby. Uh hoh! She did text me while I was out at the range letting me know that S was being very difficult. It seems she comes to me whenever she’s struggling with S and expects me to support her. I still feel that she needs to understand that if we separate/divorce, being a single parent will be very tough.

OVERALL
There haven’t been any positive changes in the last couple days. She’s mostly angry around me. She still lacks patience with our son. She still drinks a lot. She’s living another life without me. She goes out and I never hear any details of what she’s doing. She also doesn’t care to ask what I’m doing when I go out. It’s like we’re living separate lives, returning to the same anxiety filled home. Our only tie is S. I struggle with how to be supportive, give space, act AS-IF, but not being cold… all while not being a doormat.

[leopoldstotch]

SG I hear you on not being on here all the time. I'm on my way to my sons soccer game but I want to recommend you look for bustorama and his story its very similar to yours. Kind of a long read but well worth it.

[someguy1233]

I had a call with my DB coach yesterday. It may have been good that I stood my ground regarding not giving up the bed. My normal behavior would be to give her what she wants out of fear of losing her.

However, my holding the bed against her is easily seen as an act caused by resentment. I'm punishing her for putting us in this position. I think I've been doing the same with my slow/lack of response to some text messages/emails. There's a fine line between detachment and resentment. I need to work on this balance.

This morning I told W that I was thinking about "the bed." I told her she can have it tonight, but I'll need it tomorrow as I need a good night's sleep for the activities at work the next day. I let go of the resentment and found it was easy to make this decision.

My fear in letting go of resentment is that she'll see me as simply a "friend." She's previously stated this is what she wants... us to be good friends and co-parents. This obviously isn't what I want.

[leopoldstotch]

I think u r doing good SG I will talk more about ur long post when I have time later on. To me your W sounded immature in regards to the bed deal. She wants out let her be the one to have to be inconvenienced nit u.

[someguy1233]

Just as I'm starting to feel strong... I get kicked out at the knees.

I received a email meeting invite (WTF!) from W scheduling an appointment to talk tonight. Talk about impersonal.

I knew more conversations would inevitably come. I don't know why this surprises me. But it literally took my breath away as my heart fell to the floor.

I have no idea what she'll want to talk about, or what she'll have to say. Probably something about separation. Or worse, something about starting the paperwork. Ugh.