I think I see the picnic!

[keep_going]

(((Vero)))

I am so sorry you are struggling so much right now. I want to help you and we are in the same city. We have kids the same age and I'd love to have a play date or something, but I don't know how to reach you, since you are not in the ALT. Any ideas on how to connect? I know we can help each other a lot.

I understand your fears when getting together with other kids and their parents. My daughters are the only ones in their preschool whose parents are not together. So I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb and others may be feeling sorry for me or judging me. The truth is, most other parents are not and if they are, it's their problem and I cannot control it. I have learned to associate with nice, grounded people who just don't care about my situation. That is what I can control. You saw that yourself yesterday with the nice play date you had.


I have been thinking about your situation. You have been dealing with the boundaries issue a lot. Yes, I think that going more dim with your H is an area that could help you improve your state of mind and mood. But how to do it right and fairly with young kids?

It sounds like your visitation schedule is not 100% ironed out? This was a HUGE key in my situation. It was hard to get a custody / visitation agreement in writing that we both agreed on, but now that we do, we are both perfectly clear on who has the kids when and I stick to it like there is no tomorrow. H would prefer something more "fluid" and is annoyed at my formality, but I don't give in. I am not mean about it either, I just know this is what works for ME.

H doesn't visit the kids at my place or put them to bed in my house anymore. We hardly ever do any meals together and he doesn't come to help get them ready for school. I don't let him just "stop by" whenever he wants to. He has to call and when I don't feel like seeing him, I tell him "Sorry, we can't today. We already have plans." Once he showed up uninvited I didn't let him come claiming we were on our way out. He was bummed and actually mad, but that was all it took. He has never showed up again unannounced.

It was hard for me to establish and enforce this boundary, because my selfish side wanted him here and spending time with us. Yet I was not and am still not strong enough. It's hard, but it IS our reality now and will continue to be so if the D goes through. So we don't do any family activities with H anymore - just birthdays and we will do trick or treating this year together, but that's it.

Right now I don't want to spend any time with him except for the exchanges. It's way too hard for me and I found out the hard way just a week ago. I made the mistake of asking H to go to the pumpkin patch together. I thought I could handle it. BIG mistake. Spending that time with him was such a huge backslide for me. Sure we had a great day and he has no clue that I came home and was depressed for the whole weekend after that.

I am simply not strong enough or ready to be with him. So the boundaries, the going dim are for ME...

Having said that, this doesn't mean that H never gets to see his kids. He has as much right as I do and I have to be fair about it. It's the right thing to do, I love my H and know how much he misses his kids and I know how much the kids love him and need him as well. So I had to let go of my control issues with H and I suspect from your posts you have some of these issues as well.

For instance, all three kids go with him - even S1. Sure your H won't do things your way, but that is ok... (Notice that I said "your way" and not "the right way.") When my H takes the girls to school their clothes never match and sometimes the teachers playfully joke about how bad it is. I also know they don't eat as healthy as I'd like them to and that they go to bed a lot later than I would let them. And sometimes S1 doesn't get a bath every day.

So what?

They are not going to die or grow up screwed up for those things. I think not having a R with their dad would be far more detrimental for them. You can view it as your H needing to see the reality of D and the stress of taking care of all kids by himself just like you do. Yet the loving way of seeing it is that your kids NEED their dad just as much as they need you and that you can let go and TRUST that your H will take good care of them because he loves them. What bigger vote of confidence can you give your H than that?

Vero, I tell you this lovingly, think about this. Identify how your actions stem from a need to control the situation. Find where this need comes from - hurt, anger, fear and deal with the root of the problem. Think about what is best in the big picture for your kids and for YOURSELF. I promise that as you let go, YOU will find the most benefits and peace, which is what you need NOW.

Focus on your needs now and what you can honestly control NOW...

I hope I am not being too harsh - just hoping that my own experiences and pain can help you in any way to make your journey a bit less painful.

(((((Vero)))))