I think I see the picnic!

[keep_going]

(((Vero)))

I am so sorry you are struggling so much right now. I want to help you and we are in the same city. We have kids the same age and I'd love to have a play date or something, but I don't know how to reach you, since you are not in the ALT. Any ideas on how to connect? I know we can help each other a lot.

I understand your fears when getting together with other kids and their parents. My daughters are the only ones in their preschool whose parents are not together. So I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb and others may be feeling sorry for me or judging me. The truth is, most other parents are not and if they are, it's their problem and I cannot control it. I have learned to associate with nice, grounded people who just don't care about my situation. That is what I can control. You saw that yourself yesterday with the nice play date you had.


I have been thinking about your situation. You have been dealing with the boundaries issue a lot. Yes, I think that going more dim with your H is an area that could help you improve your state of mind and mood. But how to do it right and fairly with young kids?

It sounds like your visitation schedule is not 100% ironed out? This was a HUGE key in my situation. It was hard to get a custody / visitation agreement in writing that we both agreed on, but now that we do, we are both perfectly clear on who has the kids when and I stick to it like there is no tomorrow. H would prefer something more "fluid" and is annoyed at my formality, but I don't give in. I am not mean about it either, I just know this is what works for ME.

H doesn't visit the kids at my place or put them to bed in my house anymore. We hardly ever do any meals together and he doesn't come to help get them ready for school. I don't let him just "stop by" whenever he wants to. He has to call and when I don't feel like seeing him, I tell him "Sorry, we can't today. We already have plans." Once he showed up uninvited I didn't let him come claiming we were on our way out. He was bummed and actually mad, but that was all it took. He has never showed up again unannounced.

It was hard for me to establish and enforce this boundary, because my selfish side wanted him here and spending time with us. Yet I was not and am still not strong enough. It's hard, but it IS our reality now and will continue to be so if the D goes through. So we don't do any family activities with H anymore - just birthdays and we will do trick or treating this year together, but that's it.

Right now I don't want to spend any time with him except for the exchanges. It's way too hard for me and I found out the hard way just a week ago. I made the mistake of asking H to go to the pumpkin patch together. I thought I could handle it. BIG mistake. Spending that time with him was such a huge backslide for me. Sure we had a great day and he has no clue that I came home and was depressed for the whole weekend after that.

I am simply not strong enough or ready to be with him. So the boundaries, the going dim are for ME...

Having said that, this doesn't mean that H never gets to see his kids. He has as much right as I do and I have to be fair about it. It's the right thing to do, I love my H and know how much he misses his kids and I know how much the kids love him and need him as well. So I had to let go of my control issues with H and I suspect from your posts you have some of these issues as well.

For instance, all three kids go with him - even S1. Sure your H won't do things your way, but that is ok... (Notice that I said "your way" and not "the right way.") When my H takes the girls to school their clothes never match and sometimes the teachers playfully joke about how bad it is. I also know they don't eat as healthy as I'd like them to and that they go to bed a lot later than I would let them. And sometimes S1 doesn't get a bath every day.

So what?

They are not going to die or grow up screwed up for those things. I think not having a R with their dad would be far more detrimental for them. You can view it as your H needing to see the reality of D and the stress of taking care of all kids by himself just like you do. Yet the loving way of seeing it is that your kids NEED their dad just as much as they need you and that you can let go and TRUST that your H will take good care of them because he loves them. What bigger vote of confidence can you give your H than that?

Vero, I tell you this lovingly, think about this. Identify how your actions stem from a need to control the situation. Find where this need comes from - hurt, anger, fear and deal with the root of the problem. Think about what is best in the big picture for your kids and for YOURSELF. I promise that as you let go, YOU will find the most benefits and peace, which is what you need NOW.

Focus on your needs now and what you can honestly control NOW...

I hope I am not being too harsh - just hoping that my own experiences and pain can help you in any way to make your journey a bit less painful.

(((((Vero)))))

[BklynMom]

Hey Vero

I can relate to so much of what you are feeling, especially feeling a bond with your new Alanon and church friends. I went to a meeting tonight myself, it was good since I haven't been going lately. I realized during the meeting that my schedule is different now and I can't go to as many meetings as I would like so I need to do other program things like call Alanon people. I need to ask for help. I need to check in.

Last Sept when I started therapy my shrink wanted me to go on medication. I was very hesitate because I was still breast feeding.

I was in such pain over my relationship with my H I didn't want to stop that connection with my baby (15mths). After a couple weeks with the therapist I decided to stop breast feeding and go on A/D. For me I thought my daughter would be healthier from having a mentally healthy mommy then having breast milk another few months.

It was a really hard decision. Really hard. Seriously really really hard. I had to send my daughter to my moms house for 4 days because she was not interested in stopping.

Yes I wish I could have nursed longer but I also know that the medication has helped tremendously and I want my kids to have a happy & healthy mommy.

If I can't give them a intact family I can at least give 'em a sane mommy.

Hang in there, you are doing great!!

[2chiquitos]

Thank you KG -

I had to (and still am) digest(ing) what you said. You helped me realize that I continue to control his parenting as I did before. I thought I was much more relaxed about it but I'm not. I mean I am different but I still want to keep a strong hold on my kids whereabouts. This is so hard!

I suddenly remember the day my son was born and seeing him connected to all these tubes so that he could stay alive. It was so hard to just let go. I feel that same way now. i don't want to let go. I don't want my kids going from one place to another all day. They're too little for that. I want them at home where they belong.

I know I need to tell him to stop coming in the evenings and mornings. I will eventually do that. He is much better about it now when I tell him the day before or the day of. It's making it a routine that he struggles with.

But thank you for that KG. Seriously, I need the 2x4! It really brought me down to think about it but after the hurting comes the healing.

Thanks Bklynmom -
Thank you for sharing your experience. At least I know I'm not alone and my struggle to take care of myself and to continue nursing. I will eventually get on meds but I want to try to nurse for a bit longer. D1 is very attached. I will resent him more if I do and resent myself also.

Journal-
Although I was really down today, there were little signs I saw of myself detaching and I want to share it.

While shopping for groceries, I wasn't interested in getting things that H likes. I got what the kids and I needed and didn't feel like getting him certain things.
-I used to stock up so that he would feel at home. He did, but now I don't care to make him feel at home...

This morning after I dropped off S4 at school I text him, S4 did great at the drop off. Enjoy your day.
-I used to call him or wait for him to call and we would talk. Now I want to avoid unnecessary conversations.

I deleted shows I was recording on the DVR for him to watch. Again, to make him feel at home. I don't feel the need to do that. He knows he can feel at home if he came back. I don't need to do more of what I'm already doing.

I told him he didn't need to come over in the morning. I'm going to a morning Al Anon and I'm taking the kids with me. He thought I might appreciate his help. I said, "I appreciate your help but I can handle it on my own. S4 dresses and feeds himself and so that helps me out a lot."

I no longer look forward to his presence. It's just a reminder that he doesn't want to commit. It hurts more than anything.

Going to journal in my book and read some Al Anon meditation books to focus on myself while the kids are tucked in bed.
I thank God I get to see my babies everyday and I can appreciate them even when they are asleep!

[Soul.Searching]

Sounds like your making progress. Good luck

[BklynMom]

Enjoy the weekend with your kids. You deserve it

[bustingout]

Hi Vero, I am so happy to read this actually. i think these little thing lead towards huge developments in detaching. I relate to so much of what you said.

And yes..thank God for our little blessings. It always helps me to know I am sleeping in the same house with them at night and waking up with them in the morning.

((((( )))))

[2chiquitos]

Hi Lisa7 - I hope you're doing well! Thanks for stopping by.

Thank you Bklynmom - I have some time to myself this afternoon and a pumpkin patch festival at S4s school tomorrow. So it should be nice weekend.

bustingout...I truly felt it last night. H called 3times back to back after he left last night and text me "have a good nite." I didn't respond. It's best to say nothing when all I could think of was - STOP CALLING ME! STOP TEXTING ME!!

Journal,
So as some of you know I got on the alt. Bad idea. I regressed. Hs pix came up and I called him. That's right! I was acting like a newbie at DB. I called him to tell him to find another pix because that's the one I had posted for him and he used it so that no one would know I was in the pix next to him and S4.

I think God intervened because he didn't pick up. I put the cell away on vibrate so I wouldn't hear him call back. So I wouldn't answer and remember how I angry and hurt I am about all this.

Instead I kept my mouth shut.

I'm still angry/hurt but I need work on not reacting to my anger/hurt. That wasn't a good example of detaching.

I need to take care of myself. My moms gonna trim my bangs so I'll look cuter than I already do! lol!! And H is picking up D1 so I will be child-free for 4hrs! WHOoo HOoo!

Then going to see some friends from the program to work on Step 1. This is much needed.

Also my sponsor told me to make a list of resentments. With anyone or anything. That will be interesting.

[mamabird]

Vero, I tried to PM you but I can't figure it out. Do you know how to do that?

[unbidden]

I think that the PM feature on this site is disabled.

[2chiquitos]

RegretfulLA - I couldn't do it either. Unbidden is right. It's disabled. I was on the alt for a day and freaked out cuz I saw Hs pix so it'll be a few more days until I recover.

I am seriously regressing today! It's awful.I told H about the pix and how it was a trigger. He said he never checks his fb and he will change the pix.

I stopped him and said, "it's not that. It's that you can't say what I want to hear and that's why I should've never brought it up to you."

This is when it got worse. I said, "I need you out of my life. I don't want you coming over in the mornings or evenings anymore. You can come after work and take the kids for a few hours M-F and Sat,Sun 12-5p."

This didn't feel right. I did feel confident in my decision when I told him before not to come because I didn't do it from a place of anger/hurt. This just came out like mush.

I apologized. Not because this is not the arrangement I want but because this isn't how I want to ask for it. There will come a time when I will change it but not like this.

He agreed we should talk about R and affair on Tues over dinner at a restaurant. (don't really know why not at home but I just went with it) I told him I don't want the kids with us since they interrupt us a lot. He agreed. I asked him if we should talk during an MC session and he said no. I didn't push it. I notice he is much more distant with me at MC sessions.

Weird but I didn't think our first dinner alone would be arranged like this.