Question- should we get into family C right away to help the transition or wait until one of the boys shows a need?
I would wait until you talk to them about the S and see how they respond. Also check in with their teachers and let them know (in basic terms) what's going on and ask them to tell you if they see any behavioral changes. Most schools have a counselor on staff, talk to the counselor and ask about having your kids talk to them. This will help you gauge if IC is needed.
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My H and I have talked A LOT since the BD in June--about his feelings, his confusion, his need to move out, etc.
That's good, how have you been responding? Hopefully you've been working on being a good listener and on validating his emotions. Don't argue or try to reason with him, just listen and validate.
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I am scared that he will shut me out and I will not have any way to guage what he is thinking.
You don't have any way to gauge what he's thinking no matter what, even he doesn't know what he's thinking. Emotions are running the show and logic and reason are on vacation. You can't figure him out and you shouldn't try to. Work on the one thing you have control over- YOU.
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One of his "complaints" was that he didn't feel "needed" by me or the boys. He feels as he was only needed for chauffering, housework/yardwork, and keeping everyone on schedule (which he also says he didn't like).
First, you need to come to the realization that you do not need him. This is what DBing will help you to do. You will survive and thrive with or without him. Now maybe you WANT him, that's fine and healthy. But you do not NEED him. Now, I think what he's really saying (and boy can I relate) is that he felt like the family took him for granted. He's basically saying his love tank is empty. Me too, I've done so much for my family for so long and sacrificed much of what I wanted in the process, and I rarely got thanked or affirmed for it. My love tank is empty too. Have you read the 5 Love Languages? If not then do so, it'll help you understand what he's really saying.
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If I detach then won't he perceive that I won't NEED him?
There's so much misunderstanding around here of what detaching is. It is not acting cold and indifferent. It is about giving your H space and time. It is about stepping back, but remaining available. If he wants to talk then you're there. If he doesn't you stay back. Believe me, he knows you want to save the M. You don't have to say or do things to remind him. Maybe a few months after S, but not now.
