Here we go again...

[someguy1233]

No I disagree…YOUR AS IF approach is fine.

When we finished talking, she asked if I wanted to go back to reading my PMP book. I paused for a moment to think and she said, "or we could go watch a TV show." I decided to go read. I didn't want to spend time being "friends and not hating each other." And I needed to get away from it all for a bit. I think she's looking for me to be there as a friend and to emotionally support her through separation. I can't be there to comfort her through that.

I agree that it sounds like she is depress but I am not a doctor so who knows. She could be depressed for a host of reasons..until she can work through them there is really nothing you can do. As for how YOU feel. I know it [censored] dude. It’s like watching a train wreck and not going over to help. If I recall you have younger kids, so you may not get this…however, think about a teenager for a sec. (I have two). Sometime you need to let them fail/fall SO that THEY can learn the LESSON that they need to learn. I have had to do this with my boys. It’s tough and our natural reaction is to FIX it for them. Ya can’t. You can be there to support but you cannot also rush in as a the knight in shining armor.

Wow. You nailed it. I so badly wish there was something I could do for her. She keeps going down this same path year after year. She's constantly looking for something in life that I don't think exists. She's always trying to jump in/out of our relationship, jumps from job to job, etc. I feel horrible for her. Even if we don't work out, I'm afraid she'll go through these same patterns until she seeks help.

She still wants to be friends and not hate each other.

I hope you did not respond to this one. IMO, this is HER GUILT. Not your problem. Yes she wants to be friends..I suspect that HER definition of friends is much different than yours.

she doesn't know what to do now. She brought up separation. She says we can't keep walking around in this house like this. It's not good for anyone.

Well since this is what she wanted and she does not to work through the issues, then she will need to figure out what to do. Funny…friends and separation all in the same convo. Personally, she does not have to walk around the house this way. She chooses to. Please Some…whatever you do…do not cave and leave the house.

-She said WE can't afford for her to get an apartment. But if we could, she'd want to be closer to the city and we'd have to change S's daycare.

The old…I want out but it is hard and so can we be friends and can you help me leave you type statement. She want’s an apt…well then she can go find one. Not your problem. She wants to be closer to the city – great – she can find a place next to the city. You should not have to move or change YOUR life based on what SHE wants. The S’s daycare thing is another issue. Why does everyone need to change their lives, including S’s, so that SHE can be “happy”. Some – these are her issues to deal with not yours. Personally, as I suggested earlier, you need to start thinking about what YOU want and what YOU can live with. What is in YOUR best interest? What is in your S’s best interest…that is what YOU need to worry about.

I've started to develop a what-if plan. What if this M fails? I will have a minimum of 50% custody. Divorce would go to court if she didn't agree. S and I would probably live in my parent's basement (it's a large house... you could almost consider the basement an apartment) for one year. During that year I would be saving up a down payment for a townhouse.

She said we're best friends, but the passion is missing. She's not sure it was ever there. She said we kept breaking up and getting back together trying to put a bandaid in it, but we never could fix it.

This is actually a clue for you…. What do you think she is saying here?

I know from 6 months ago that she said our sex life needed improvement. I also know that she loves to debate current events/politics. I fully indented to become more interested in politics for the sake of our R. I failed.
I thought we were improving our sex life, but learned that the new improvements became stale. It turns out you can't just stick with the same "new" tricks... they quickly become the old tricks!

Any validity to this? Did you determine where you guys lived? Was she not consulted? If she was and was in agreement then please just chaulk this up to her needed to justify her actions.

We both agreed to purchase the home we live in. We both agree that it was a bad decision. We honestly didn't realize how long the commute would be, and how long it would take to go to the city. She loves spending time in the city.

Yep… Except in her mind she probably acknowledges that she LOVES you…but right NOW she is NOT attracted to YOU. So…along those lines, what are really doing for yourself to become more attractive to YOU? Do you know what she finds attractive?

I've been dressing nicer, in ways that used to get a comment out of her. I haven't received a single reaction. She needs to be intellectually challenged/stimulated. I've never been a very confrontational person, so I struggle at this. She's also attracted to confidence. I've been trying to be nothing but confident as part of my AS-IFs.