Great job handling the breakdown! Continue not reacting. Imagine she's like a toddler having a tantrum. If you stop reacting, she'll stop the tantrums. You want to step out of the roles you've assumed. You want a 180!
She definitely needs the help of an IC, so I hope she goes soon...Don't push this, though.
I slept fairly well, as I was proud of myself for how I responded differently, rather than react. No word about IC from W. Maybe my session today will promote her, maybe not. This am she was fair before leaving. I put on a cheerful face. She did call me with a question regarding health insurance re-enrollment. She carries it for us, but I have done all the paperwork. I answered a simple question and did ask if she was going to make changes (drop me), and she said she was leaving it as is. Good thing I think. Then she did chate up for a few minutes, pleasantly and friendly.
.......... Help I had an IC appt today. He very appropriately hit me with a 2 x 4. W is treating me like sh*t, stop taking care of her, be Pro-Andrew, stop putting everyone, especially her before myself. I'm doing well on the superficial level of stuff. When IC told me to take care of myself, it felt wrong. I'm so used to taking care of others. I have chosen not to truly GAL, how come? I need to treat myself, but am too responsible, Joe come? Is it lack of true confidence, low self worth, or what? This is a layer I need to go deeper on. Help?
Andrew, IC's usually do the same drill: "tell me how you feel, and tell me about your past, and now I'll tell you that you have to do bc you've got a life to live." They usually recommend quitting on our hopes for our M's. I think a lot of them do more damage than good. It was bc of my IC that I wrote a lot of stuff on my journal, that my H searched for and found. He took pictures of every page that he would later show to the OW. I felt like crap every time I left the IC's office.
That said, I do agree that you should GAL more, and that you do tend to care more of others than of yourself. I think it's a personality trait, which I also have. BUT I've learned to do a lot more for myself lately. Don't try to overanalyze things. I would just take action and start doing fun stuff for yourself. You'll feel good. Keep DBing and take the IC's words for what they are: advice from someone who is only starting to know you. You know yourself best.
I don't know if I helped. But I do know you are a great guy and you should be proud of yourself for all the love you're pouring into your M (whether you can save it or not.)
Thank you Tori, Your words mean a LOT to me. On this important day for you stood strong, very strong for yourself. On this random day for me, I hit a bump or two for no known reason. I was tearful before, during, and after my appointment. Before in part to my dad sharing sich with other family members. During because of the sich, and after because of your compliments in your last paragraph. Dose of reality even though I haven't been in a fantasy land past few days? If this is a part of cycling, its a pain in the *ss nd thensome.
To confound this unusual day even more (and it's still early), W called to see if I was going to be going out or not tonight. I say probably. She was asking to see how much pizza to buy? If I wanted to "partake" in wine with her tonight. Really? I'm so confused.... I at least know I'm going out some, simply because I need a few things (eg more mass gain stuff, and a bday present for my friends' D as I am taking the kids tomorrow am while W is at work)
Crystal ball anyone? Or then again, this is where I focus on me as to counter the W's confusion, right?
A separate struggle I have is this. A complaint of hers was lack of QT together. Going dim has worked mostly, I'm just unsure of which "invites" I accept or deny.
Andrew, I'm glad I helped some. Completely normal to feel the way you feel. Tomorrow you'll be fine, the next day who knows. It's not a fun part of life what we're dealing with, but it could always be worse...
Your W's confusing behavior is part of her own confusion. Kaffe Diem once told me it was called "touch and go." They get closer to you; you respond positively; they pull away, and the cycle goes on and on. I think she wants to make sure she "still has you" while she figures things out. Yes, very selfish, but all WAS's do it.
I would accept some but not all invites. Get busy with your own activities, and if you are free, join her. If you're not, say no. If you're not busy but are saying yes all the time, you'll have to sneak in an excuse to not join her. My coach said, your H fell for you bc you were interesting, you were a mystery, a challenge. Then, you became his personal assistant, housekeeper, massage therapist, caretaker, and he treated you like dirt. That role must be over. That's what I'm telling you. Quit the roles that are hurting your R. Be the man she feel in love with. I know, easier said than done, but GALing will help. You're very athletic; any exercise groups in your area that you could join?
Thus far, I can say every post by every one has helped. The more the posts the more helpful.
So as far as being "very athletic," if you only knew. A few weeks before the bomb is when I started exercising. The bomb has only fueled my self improvement. As far as clubs, other than gyms, I have no clue. My IC did tell me about a website (not dating), where people with similar interests can meet up. So I'll check that out, and on the home computer, as I don't care if W sees that (vs the DB site).
A few random thoughts to add in... Would it be wrong for the LBS to ask the WAS how to be more selfish? Seriously, they are pros at it. And then how ironic is it that the WAS is viewed by most as crazy for all that they do, and yet so are DBing LBS. Maybe I'm late to this realization, but at least I'm realizing. And don't worry, I'm not going to ask W for tips of how to be selfish and GAL.
So I'm about to go out, hang with a friend for awhile, and if there's any wine left when I come home, then i'll have a glass. Funny thing is our neighbor / W's BFF and kids are coming over. BFF's H was going to come over, until he found out I won't be here. So much for the married double date life we all once enjoyed. I am saying that in the positive tone from my POV.
Currently W is cleaning the house. She commented about how our house is always dirty. My genuine, non mean response was simply, "Yep, once I let go of the super cleaning". She didn't like it so much. At least it is the truth. And it was said genuinely like I have with the occassional real compliment.
Well, it's great you've started exercising! As they say, there is fortune hidden in all misfortunes. Check out meetup.com. There are tons of groups that get together to do fun activities.
Funny how your W started cleaning. Good. Let her do it. I'm sure she's noticed your changes, and her subconscious is absorbing all this info. Subconscious programming is what you need to change the way she's looking at things.
Thank you, you two. Last night didn't go exactly as planned. Friend's sister evidently just bought a house and needed his help. So instead of going to a movie he offered me to join him. Yay? So I said no, but it was still early. A few minutes passed as I explored my options all of which were lame, including going home to drink with W and her BFF (which would also be anti-GAL), so I called friend and asked him where to meet him. It wasn't all that bad, not the time of my life, but still better than the options. Side note - putting positive karma out thwre by helping someone I normally don't come into contact with. I got home around 1am, lights out, and everyone asleep, including the neighbor's D. She's a sweetheart.
So woke up with S2 as W was getting ready to leave for work. She asked my opinion on outfit, I offered good friend responses. She offered me the rest of her new coffee mix (pumpkin spice - Yum). I gladly accepted. Told her is be taking the kids to an am bday party, she was a little stunned. Texted me a work related rant. I validated. Kids and I went to the party. They all had a great time, including D11. She was the oldest as she was the first child in my circle of friends. No one brought up my sich other than me. I did in the sense that "wow, I didn't bring up my sich nor has anyone asked". Said that to my close friend from last night. So all in all today has been good so far. I keep reminding myself don't let others judge me. I've always been self conscious, so that's a big thing for me. Plans for the day aren't anything too special. Probably going to hang at another fiends home and watch college football over a few drinks. I did mention the idea of a getaway to a few friends, maybe I can make that happen. I did check out meet up last night. Some "interesting" clubs. I do so that as a potential springboard for local GALing. Just have to find the right one or try. I love my friends, but they are all married with kids so they are a great safety support net, yet I need to get out a little of that and meet new people.
Hi Afa Thanks for checking on me. Sorry I’ve not be around much this week. Sounds like W is frustrated. You sound good tho – PMA back – tho anxious about your GAL activities. Were you anxious about it before the IC mentioned it? Tho I do agree the more distractions we have, the less we focus on the sitch, I don't remember you posting that you needed more – you were developing a POA tho
Do you need to find a new group or are there some people that you already know that might provide a new distraction? I only ask this as I have initiated "one for the road" after work on a Monday. My office didn't seem to socialise until I suggested this and I only did it so I would have something to do but I've discovered other sides of people I work with. Sometimes there's only 3 of us but it's definitely GAL. Are you handy? Perhaps you could work on a personal project at home that switches your focus?
I'm also curious about W coms. Almost daily texts/rants whilst she is at work. Did she text you like this before BD?
One thing I did notice in your posts was that ansa that we have been trained to say and how it might be taken - "this situation is difficult for all of us". I know it’s true but if I was unloading my feelings and H said that to me, I wouldn't feel validated or heard. I'd feel he took what I said and then started talking about himself instead of hearing me.
