Hey Seattle, let me know if your C has any ideas since we seem to be married to the same personality type...
LnL, I think my H is one of the smartest people I've ever known... self-taught in nearly everything. But it's like the old Zen saying: in the beginners mind there are endless possibilities, in the expert's mind there are few. In the WAH mind, there are none.
I've accepted that my H is subscribing to the idea that Michele calls "absurd" in the first ch. of DR: that getting rid of the spouse will move the WAS toward happiness.
He can rationalize it all he wants, but the time in his life when he began thinking that way was horribly destructive--he became someone no one recognized-- and I cannot imagine him not making that connection at some point. I hope it's soon.
Don't let me wrong... I totally understand pessimism and not wanting to go back to a painful place. But that place no longer exists except in his head... we haven't had a truly negative interaction in longer than I can recall.
And reconnecting is a slow process that eventually he would need to open himself up more to if he wanted to continue to progress in his feelings...even if it's scary.
So...what do you do when you've drawn them back... and they keep running away on you? I really don't think I'm all that scary.
I'm going to keep having my life and treating him the way I want to be treated. Thanks SS for the boost there and reminding me that is all I can do, anyway!
Oh... I did think of something that might have impacted him in the past few weeks: I took an equity line on the house to pay off my car, and he signed for it--it's my loan, but he had to agree because he's on the house title.
Now, he hasn't contributed to anything in this house in a very, very long time and we'd verbally agreed a while ago that he'd give me the house in the event of a D. I have been busting my a** to keep it up all alone.
I mentioned taking a line to pay off bills to him offhand and he didn't really respond -- back when he was talking about moving back in, so I went ahead and looked into it.
When I found out I could do it, I let him know that was my plan and he seemed fine with it. So maybe he really was fine with it. Or maybe he is secretly using it to fuel the tunnel "see how selfish she is, taking things from me" mindset... and pretending it was a good idea.
He gave me the papers on the day of closing... and said 1. it made sense for me to do it, 2. he didn't have to sign for it and agree to it, and 3. he was happy to sign for it.
Yeah, you try to add those 3 comments up and get one answer!
I'm relieved to hear someone else (and such a model DBer too!) say that about the OP. It's tough and I hate the position I am in. I love him very much and will stand by him, but that may have to be where the line gets drawn for me.
I figure I will feel clearer about this at some point and know for sure. Today is not that day.
Quote: He can rationalize it all he wants, but the time in his life when he began thinking that way was horribly destructive--he became someone no one recognized--
I see this in my H too. In fact, I saw his brother's wife for dinner last week (we have stayed in touch) and she told me she and H's brother have concluded that he is NOT the same person....kind sad...he was once such a nice guy!!
Quote: we haven't had a truly negative interaction in longer than I can recall.
I thnk that says alot for YOU!! I know we have been in situations over the past year where I have said to myself..."the old me would have done this (something impulsive and not so good for dbing) but I am now doing this (something I learned from dbing). Our H's HAVE to have noticed this...not sure if they know what to make of it all, though!
Quote: So...what do you do when you've drawn them back... and they keep running away on you? I really don't think I'm all that scary.
My theory is that there are still feelings there but they are afraid to feel them becuase that might negate their stand on the D...what do you think??
Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.... (thoreau)
SS, yeah it is weird how their behavior changes so radically. My H had definitely started to change back... actually even was seeming like a better version of himself-- before reverting back toward H version 2.0.
Quote: My theory is that there are still feelings there but they are afraid to feel them becuase that might negate their stand on the D...what do you think??
I think this is often true. I have no doubt my H has deep feelings for me still... it's really obvious when I see him. His reversion back to old arguments he'd long ago debunked as possible reasons for D (while also acknowledging many of my changes) also makes me suspect he doesn't really believe a D is the right thing for us to do. But he feels he needs to "do something".
I wonder whether in some way they see acknowledging and acting on those feelings now as evidence that they "were wrong"... having to face people, etc. Lots of emotions there. My H has alluded to this stuff now and then, though he doesn't go deeper with it, not with me anyway.
After all my theorizing and PMS and licking my wounds from getting the papers, I've decided I'll continue to do the right thing and keep DBing as best I can.
H can do what he needs and wants to do.
I'm back to looking after myself, setting my goals, generally being fabulous, and doing my part to make any and all interactions with H positive ones. In that order.
I think I was just being PMS paranoid about the bank line being his trigger. I know he knows how much thinking goes into my choices and that it was a really a choice between equity line or ending up in foreclosure. It was the smartest option, for me now and for us long term should he choose to be here, and I think he realizes that. He would have said so if he had a problem with it.
You are doing a lot of analysis here....and making great headway!
Quote: I'm back to looking after myself, setting my goals, generally being fabulous, and doing my part to make any and all interactions with H positive ones. In that order.
Now that is saying it loud and clear. I will try to follow this plan myself....how could you go wrong?
Keep coming here to analyze and sort things through. The process is working. Giving us all good food for thought!
Crossing the finish line......... Before I forget...here is my new thread...I moved over to surviving the D...thought it was about time!!
You sound good, Wonder. I think DBing to the very end is the best way to go...it is definitely my plan!!!
Not sure it is a good idea to focus on the trigger for filing the papers. I tried to do that for a while and ended up just driving myslf crazy! For some reason your H (and mine...) thinks D is going to make him feel better! We know better, but they don't yet!!
Hang in there, girl!
Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.... (thoreau)
You amaze me. You truely have such strength of character. It really doesn't matter WHY your H filed, in the end it only matter how YOU deal with it. I think you are dealing so very well. Your H will eventually realise what a terrible mistake he has/is making, for his sake i hope it isn't too late.
Fear is a awful, restricting thing, but the truely couragous know that bravier is not the absence of fear, but doing what you have to INSPITE of the fear.
Aww, you're all making me teary now! Thanks for the support.
Mooka, I guess it is about time I learned to do my analysis in the company of friends instead of with H (which is what I did for too long!). Now at least I know I am able to speak more clearly because I've gone over it and gotten a wider perspective.
Lee and SS, My C said recently that H is doing what many people in his sitch do: mistaking the pain he was feeling for the M as a whole and throwing out the wrong one! Path of least resistance and new life and all that stuff Seattle said earlier.
Also said only a man who didn't want to see could miss seeing the opportunity he now has with his W... that THIS is what intimacy is truly about if that's what he's really seeking. I hope it's that clear, but can't make a man see something he's trying not to see... or can I?
AND C allowed me to see that all this "stealing BIL" stuff is just him projecting feelings of loss-- more of not wanting to go deep and ask himself what the real reasons are that he "wants to" leave his M and lose all these things he says he is losing... asking what is really worth all that and are his M issues past or present?
Good food for my thought, as it helps me take things less personally and realize he's still muddled up in there trying to (or maybe trying not to) get a handle on things.
I am back to morning yoga as of this weekend and feeling very good as a result.
I know we have been in situations over the past year where I have said to myself..."the old me would have done this (something impulsive and not so good for dbing) but I am now doing this (something I learned from dbing). Our H's HAVE to have noticed this...not sure if they know what to make of it all, though! 
