Like I said, I didn't write that as clear as I'd like to have written it.
What I mean is, deal with it personally, with a different perspective. Go from looking at it as
"I can't get the thought of her being with OM (out of my head (I assume you meant)) during this time"
to...
"Ok, so she's either with OM right now or at minimum the possibly exists that she is with OM right now. I can't do anything about that, plus what's already been done has already been done. I can't make her stop. So I need to look at her as someone living out a problem, someone who has made mistakes by being with OM, and someone who may very well not anytime soon quit making more of the same mistake being with OM."
You're still letting the thoughts of her with him be first and foremost on your mind, instead of essentially letting it be "old news." You're still letting it surprise you and shock you and disappoint you. Somehow, you need to move past those types of feelings and instead let your mind get to a point where you realistically (but lovingly) don't expect anything different from her.
Not that any of this is easy. It's terribly hard to get your mind to think like that. But you will at some point be able to accept this as the new reality of her life and, subsequently, yours too.
M-34 XW-32 D-7 Found OM's presence 4/09 Separated 12/09 Divorced 8/10 GREAT relationship as coparents since 8/10
I think I understand it now. It is old news, so I will not let it consume me. Like I said before this process will teach me the real meaning of patience.
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
I think I may not text at all. Really have not been dark at all since this started. I know four days isn't that long, although with kids it is all I have.
Hang in there eyesopen. As you know, this is very difficult times for us. I've been all screwed up recently but I KNOW this won’t kill me, you either. I know what you mean about the kids, believe me eyesopen, I DO KNOW what you mean, I can tell your a great dad, keep it up. In my opinion, our kids are the most important things in our lives. By the way, I really believe in going dark. I probably was a bit extreme when it comes to going dark but it CAN make our W’s miss us. Bottom line, it really helps us protect OURSELVES. Hang in there buddy.
___________________________ Me:38 W:43 Together: 15 Married: 11 D:5 S:8 W wanted separation 5/5/12 Stopped living together 5/5/12
Rough, I agree that with you about the kids being the most important thing, and like you I know I am a great dad. It is kind of bittersweet that having the kids contributes to the disconnect.
And going dark is something I know I need to detach.
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
Thanks for your kind words. Funny, most situations I do not feel I have adequate advice for, so I don't post a lot. But yours seems to resonate with me. I must just see a lot of similarities in our situations.
Regardless, enough about me...you're doing your best with this and FWIW I commend you. All the best man.
M-34 XW-32 D-7 Found OM's presence 4/09 Separated 12/09 Divorced 8/10 GREAT relationship as coparents since 8/10
So I had another thought today about all this pressure we feel. Throughout my life I feel like I have always handled pressure pretty well, granted I have never felt its magnitude like this.
I also consider myself to be a bright guy, not a wordly scholar by any means, but I can follow along in about any conversation. When it comes to DBing a lot of the times I feel so lost, yes things are starting to click, I think it comes along as our detachment progresses.
What struck me today is that we are so worried about dotting our i's and crossing our t's with our interactions, so they will come back, when really it may be easier to make sure you don't give them any reasons not to come back. And that is staying on the high road.
Sometimes we might do something weak, some backsliding, but as long as it isn't angry or bitter, when all is said and done we can hold our heads up high and say that we walked the high road.
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
