Trying to stop this meeting is not the easiest thing and there are far to many moving parts to go into detail here
Stopping it and ACCEPTING it are TWO different things. For you as a man, as a person…decide which one is more important to YOU.
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When we get back i cannot keep this entire pace/scheduling up and therefore the confrontation will have to occur.
As someone else posted…make sure you have ALL of YOUR DUCKS in a row when you finally decide to confront. Also, she just may…consider the vacation as a sign of weakness from you. No one knows except her how she will interpret it.
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How is it that I am settting a boundary but still giving her the freedom to whatever she wants.
I will try to explain it…..
One GIVE UP THE NOTION that something YOU DO will or will not “give her the freedom”. She has that today. Married or not, she has the freedom to do, live, say, act any way she wants. You have the same freedom. Hence the “circle” comment. BOTH OF YOU have CONTROL over WHAT YOU ALLOW IN YOUR LIFE. For example: I had friends in my life at one point that DID NOT RESPECT my boundaries. I removed them from my circle. They then made their own CHOICE to 1) respect MY boundaries or 2) NOT to respect my BOUNDARIES. They choose # 2, which is THEIR right. Just as my right was to REMOVE them from the circle.
MIR, people will treat you the way you allow them to. You have control over what YOU allow in your life. Say you said to me….Eric when you are around me I would appreciate it if you did not curse. If every time I am around you..I kept dropping the F bomb, cursing all of the time that YOU would need to make a choice, since based on my ACTIONS I already made my choice, which was to NOT RESPECT YOUR BOUNDARIES. SO…..You would need to CHOOSE for YOU if YOU WOULD continue to want me to be a part of YOUR life.
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Please use as an example the first boundary i stated before, that i am not willing to work on the R until OM is out of picture. The consequence for her not cutting cold turkey is what.... relegating her out of our bedroom, the house, etc. and how will the relegation out of the house not drive here to the OM. Or if it does, do I just have to accept it and move on???
This question is SCARY…. It is almost like YOU want someone to TELL YOU what to do (and maybe I am wrong here). No one can TELL YOU what to do. YOU need to ask yourself a couple of hard questions….
1) DO I FEEL COMFORTABLE with OM in the picture? 2) IF I do not, then what am I willing to sacrifice to ensure that what I WANT is provided?
If you are afraid of losing her, then IMO, you DO NOT VALUE YOUR NEEDS and WANTS. In short, you are putting her above yours. Not cool. Yes, as a good partner sacrifice and flexiability are important. That said, what are you will to be flexible on. Here is another example. Take me, I have 3 wonderful children (I love them dearly), my kids live with me 4 days a week. My girlfriend also lives with me. I have made a choice in my life…NOT to have drugs in it. That choice is MINE and MINE ALONE. IF my GF came home high and/or had drugs on her person, then my boundary is that I do not want drugs in the house. If I found that she came home with a crack pipe….my choice would be simple. I would pack her chit and put it in the front of the house. Period. No questions asked. Why this approach? Because I would have ALREADY explain to her that I did not want drugs in my house. She choose to not respect my boundary and so I choose to enforce it.
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The consequence for her not cutting cold turkey is what.... relegating her out of our bedroom, the house, etc. and how will the relegation out of the house not drive here to the OM.
YOU TELL ME…what are the consequences? To my earlier point what are YOU willing to give up? What is the most important thing to YOU?
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But if he can fake it. Keep quiet. Act it.
What he is saying IMO, is that even though you may be afraid – don’t show it. ACT as IF you are NOT afraid….at least that is my interpretation of what chatterbut is trying to say.
Finally,
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AN LBS establishing a boundary and NOT enforcing it? Makes them look and feel bad. The LBS HAS to be strong enough to enforce the boundary not for the POS WAS...I care zero for the WAS, I shed no tears for them. The LBS HAS to be strong enought to enforce the boundary against the weakness inside the LBS.
Look at what J3B said ^^^
Think about it….IF YOU decide to confront….then you need to be READY to stand your ground. No one can do it for YOU MIR.
SO what is it that MIR wants? Is it his W back? Well then, what is MIR willing to do to TRY and get what it is he wants?
At the end of the day MIR, you can do everything possible to get your W back. She may STILL CHOOSE to move on…No one here can ensure that this will not happen. No one.
MIR, I will respond more to you later, and give you some examples, but this ^^^ is an awesome, awesome post.
We really do -- over time -- teach people how to treat us.
