Bklyn Still Here P2

[BklynMom]

Thks for stopping by and saying hi SIAS here and on the alt.

I have been very busy the past few weeks with work and with the girls but as per usual they light up my life. I am so blessed.

Generally I feel pretty good. Actually most days I have less anxiety and fear then I did prior to the bomb. I am able to live in the present and enjoy each moment rather then freak out if the subway is late or whatever else I can't control.

Unfortunately right now I don't have a lot of time take care of me and go to Alanon meetings, write on these boards and go to IC. But I do the best I can on the weekends he has the girls (like this weekend) and recognize that when my job is over in January I will have more time to do those things.

I also appreciate how much taking care of myself has given me. I know that it needs to be part of my life, so even if its on pause right now it is necessary to continue forever.

I just need to put it out there I do get sad that the girls won't grow up with a mommy & daddy and I know that breaks their heart. That is really hard to accept. It makes me cry. I would do anything for my girls and they deserve better.

I also get sad when I think about H not being around together for the holidays and not being a family during that time. I always practice thought stopping when I think about the holidays.

thanks for being here

[BklynMom]

I emailed h early today that I may need to work Saturday. I asked what his schedule looked like, if he could watch the girls.

No response

It makes me sad. The man I married and loved would have come running to see his girls on Saturday. I am sure he will eventually reply but my girls deserve a dad who would put them first.

[BklynMom]

Saw h this morning after he watched the girls yesterday while I worked. He was not happy that he had the girls Saturday. It was clear that is disrupted some plans.

The girls arrived this morning and it was wonderful. They just light up the world. I asked h if he would do me 2 favors, 1. Close a window I was having trouble with - he happily did. Then I asked if he would grab me a coffee from the deli. That was a big mistake.

He looked at me with such scorn and hatred. He said nothing but he's eyes said it all. It made me cry. There was the man I loved completely and totally the father of my children - looking at me with such contempt it broke my heart in an instant and all over again.

I beat myself up a little. Why did I ask him for a coffee? Was I treating him like I controlled him or like I own him? Was this the behavior he hated from me before? Was it asking him for something that I could have done myself which he so hated?

Then I stopped blaming myself. All h needed to say was no; no I don't want to get you a coffee.

All the emotion I have felt today I am one step closer to letting go completely.

I feel like all this gaslighting is becoming abusive and it's hard to imagine wanting him to come home based on how he is treating me and his daughters.

[wishing, hoping]

You did nothing wrong. I ask H to do things for me occasionally and he gives a look like he really does not want to but he does just to be "the good guy". My h still expects me to do favors for him and to not have any issues with it.

The gaslighting gets old, doesn't it? Once upon a time I would have done anything to save my marriage. Now I just want to save myself and my kids.

[uRworthy]

B, dont beat yourself up over this. It could have been any number of things, including that he's having a MLC and is crazy.

If one of the things you want to change about yourself is to do things for yourself, now's a good time to start.

Here's the thing. You got some good information here. Now you know better, so you'll do better.

So, continue moving forward.

[BklynMom]

Thanks guys. Wishing,hoping and urworthy your notes really helped me feel better.

H reaction to me was so over the top it was really eye opening.

[BklynMom]

He sent me this email today

I feel completely manipulated by the way you handled this last weekend. I never even told you that I was able to do Saturday. I tried over and over again to get you on the phone Friday to talk to you and tell you how completely hypocritical you asking me to do Saturday was while every document your father sends says that we can't work things out on a job by job basis and there has to be a set schedule- to the point that I can't pick the girls up on a Saturday rather than Friday when I'm on over nights.

Beyond the hypocrisy and the assumption that I could and would drop everything to come get the girls you didn't even work out or think about Saturday night. Like, get a sitter or ask me what I want to do with Saturday night. No, I am not nor will I ever be comfortable with putting the girls to bed at your house. I am not a babysitter and that is not my home. You should have talked to me more bout the weekend, offered up a situation for Saturday night or offered to switch weekends with me. It's just so far from everything you have said in the divorce talks, it blows my mind.

Speaking of the divorce talks, it's crazy how long this is all taking. Why can't we sit down with a mediator and get this thing done? I don't think I've been unrealistic or unfair. Meanwhile, the lawyer fees keep adding up. It's been over a year since I asked your father if he wanted to write up the agreement. Why are you dragging this thing out?

I hope I haven't misled you in our exchanges, but you seem in denial of where we stand, we will not be getting back together. I am not your husband. Deal with me like a person and not someone who owes you. The way you treated me when we were together is the reason we are no longer together.

[beatrice]

Hi, I don't know if it helps, but my xh could have written that email!

I have no idea where their brain is hiding. Many of my xh's accusations were totally untrue and based on things he had imagined I had said.

I don't know what your stbx was like pre MLC but mine was a sweetheart, and would never have written a message like that to anyone, let alone to the woman he had shared over 30 years of marriage with.

Now we are divorced he is less mean, but stil cannot handle any argument.

[wishing, hoping]

(((BK)))

That sounds like it came right out of My H's mouth. Is this more script? Do they take classes in this stuff or what?

H thinks I am dragging things out just because I am jealous and vengeful. No,'I want things to be fair. This affects me and I have a say in how things go whether he likes it or not.

They are not in control anymore and they don't like it one bit.

[BklynMom]

Thanks soooooo soooo much for reading and being here.