So I decided not to "leave" but I did leave the house to stay in a hotel last night, so I'm here now and will be going back home in a couple of hours. Our house is small so it's really hard to give either of us any space, and I felt that it was the best thing for me. Aside from that, he's been a dark cloud around the house and I can't stand being around it, it feels almost like a minor assault every time he walks into the room, if that makes any sense. It did give me a little time to think (and start reading Michelle's books again), and what I realized was that I need to develop my life again outside of him in every way - socially, spiritually, maybe even better physically wouldn't hurt at all.
I took Another Stander's advice and apologized for my part in our fighting - I told him he's right about a lot of what he said and that I love him no matter what he decides to do. I can't make him do anything, so the decision is his, although I can work on me. I do take things much farther than they need to go and go on and on about them sometimes, (like times when he doesn't want to hear it). I also can be moody and angry. Although I wouldn't say I'm like that most of the time, I really am pretty fun and light as a person. We are usually that way also!
One thing I have to say that is tough to read re: the DB book - there's a passage in there to the effect of "for women the future is bleak" or something similar to that. It mentions the idea of women over 30 not remarrying a fairly large percentage of the time, whereas men are much more likely to, oftentimes picking women younger. This may be statistically accurate, as well as a case for staying together but it's a really awful thing to read in such a hopeful book! I'd like to think that if all was said and done and he did take off, that I would "be able to" remarry. I'm 41! Even if I was 71!
Another thing I struggle with in this marriage is not trying to change things about his behavior. I view saving together as an investment in our future, and clearly he's not a saver, although he said he wanted to. That was how this whole fight started, and I'm sure I made him feel terrible about it which I regret. I don't know how to leave things alone when I probably should sometimes. Alternatively maybe I just don't know how to bring it up knowing that it's a really delicate topic for him. I just don't want to wake up one day years later and see that we have nothing to show for ourselves. Maybe it shouldn't matter. I'm still saving. But isn't that part of being a team?
Ultimately, this is just an uncomfortable position to be in for both of us, and today I'm just going to do the best I can and not get into anything and maybe stay outside out of the way until later when he goes to work. He tends more toward needing a couple of days of brooding until he comes around, so if after that time he still wants to leave, well then - we'll have to see. Thank you everyone for your comments and for reading!
