Well here is my sitch my W has moved out for about 3 months now and I think we have had good comunication mostly about the Kids. She did come over and had dinner with me and the girls the other week...she gave me a very long and passiontate hug..really surprised me...i did not say anything or pursue. but since then there has been emotional distance...she often tells me she is old and going through perimenopause....I have noticed that this really effects her periods and makes her a much different person at these times. I guess I need to sit back and wait...it has been hard because when my D6 and d 8 are with my W they are often trying to figure how to come over here and call crying missing me...they don't do the same when they are with her. I need to keep my distance from her but at the same time I want to be there for my daughters...sorry I rambled on..
oh yes that is what i meant to write....they do miss her and love her but I guess it is not the same...for the last two years she has detached from the family and gone off and left me to do most everything....her background is that she was adopted as a baby by two professional people who felt that there work would be their legacy and spent most of their time working; they are scientist and everything is clinical for them...they are really nice people though---just not a whole lot of soul in them...they feel guilty for this and are now enabling their kids to try to make up for it...the youngest has never left the nest and is almost 40. and the oldest has come to mom and dad for money so many times it is not funny and then there is my W who is now being supported by Mom and dad even though she is 40...she has a little job but it is only about 12hrs a week, more for show than anything else. Granted my W parents want her to be able to make a living and support herself but...with the youngest still living at home and eating moms cooking everyday and having mom buy his clothes, I don't see them pushing too much...I live in an area where there are lots of trustfunders;so it is not that odd to a lot of people but it is to me.
But back to my D11 and my D6. My D6 was really quiet when I picked her up from school on the last day she had with me...the teacher asked me to find out what was bothering her because she spent the whole day in the safe area- a place that she has set up if a child needs to get away- and seemed sad about something. When we were walking home I asked her...what was wrong and she said she was sad to leave me for a week. She told the teacher that it was because she had too much milk...I guess the dilemma I have is that I am trying to stay away from my W and give her space but my D11 and D6 are doing everything to get me to stop by or come by and see me..I don't want to detach from them but at the same time what do I do...when D11 calls me and she is crying and does not want to get off the phone with me...I can her W in the background getting loud and singing or talking because it bothers her that they do this....Our C told us that we should have dinner one night a week at each house and spend the holidays together...is that too much? Would I not be giving my W enough space to miss me?
Hello! First to answer the question posed in your thread title, you start piecing after you and your W have reconciled. Based on your post it sounds like you're nowhere near that point yet.
Originally Posted By: 7720
She did come over and had dinner with me and the girls the other week...she gave me a very long and passiontate hug..really surprised me...i did not say anything or pursue.
Good reaction.
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but since then there has been emotional distance...
Typical distance/ pursuit behavior.
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she often tells me she is old and going through perimenopause....
How do you respond? This is a good opportunity to be a great listener and to validate her emotions. Ask her how that makes her feel, sad? Frustrated? Then validate- "So this makes you sad, I can see that you feel sad and I'm sorry you feel that way, it must be very difficult to go through."
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I guess I need to sit back and wait...
Yes, detach. Have you read DR?
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it has been hard because when my D6 and d 8 are with my W they are often trying to figure how to come over here and call crying missing me...
What is your visitation schedule? Perhaps the intervals are too long. If you're doing 50-50 on weekly intervals for example, then you might talk to W about having a one day visitation in the middle of the week so the kids don't feel so separated. Both of you need to be flexible for the kids' sake. If they're not happy with the arrangement then change it.
But back to my D11 and my D6. My D6 was really quiet when I picked her up from school on the last day she had with me...the teacher asked me to find out what was bothering her because she spent the whole day in the safe area- a place that she has set up if a child needs to get away- and seemed sad about something.
That's a bad indication. Have you considered counseling for you and the kids?
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I guess the dilemma I have is that I am trying to stay away from my W and give her space but my D11 and D6 are doing everything to get me to stop by or come by and see me..I don't want to detach from them but at the same time what do I do...
The kids ALWAYS come first. Detaching takes a back seat to the kids' needs. As I mentioned in the last post, if the situation isn't working for the kids then it needs to change. My W and I are also doing weekly splits, but W comes to my house every day to get them ready for school on my weeks and I pick them up every day from school on her weeks, so they see both of us every day even if just briefly. Your schedule is clearly not working for the kids, so change it. Maybe you need to do shorter splits, or add a day in the middle as I mentioned earlier. My brother has been doing a 3-2-2 split with his XW for years and they feel it works well.
I have read DR and I do think it is too early for asking her back but I am over eager....I want to reel her in when the hook is set and not let her get away..which is the wrong thinking I know...I am squirrel feeding not fishing...just it is more my nature to make things happen rather than wait..wait and wait....very hard!
The other thing I forgot to mention is that D11 is failing some subjects at school she told me last night on the phone and does not want me to tell W yet...I am waiting to see the report card and will tell W but I don't have d11 until wednesday...
yes the are going to a therapist she does not like the idea of splitting up the kids but what do you do...I will talk to W and see if we can change it up...but if you see W every day is that too much? I have read that can prolong the seperation or not allow them to miss the other person...I agree the Children come first though...it is not my W's thinking though...she is in her selfish stage...maybe midlife crises? I don't know
I don't think you reel her in. She will indicate when the time is right.
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
yes the are going to a therapist she does not like the idea of splitting up the kids but what do you do...I will talk to W and see if we can change it up...but if you see W every day is that too much?
Yes, try to work it out to where you don't see W every day, it's for the kids. I mentioned how it works in my case, but I forgot to mention that when W comes over to my house to get the kids ready in the mornings I am already off to work. And on her weeks when I pick up the kids and bring them to my house, I usually leave to work out just before she gets there. So we both see the kids every day, but not each other.
I don't think you reel her in. She will indicate when the time is right.
That's exactly right.
7720, think of it as fishing without a rod and reel. You're waiting for her to jump in the boat. As you can imagine, that takes a LOT of patience and little action on your part
