Wow, there have been some amazing posts in the last few days.
I have been feeling really down and feeling liking a figure skater turning circles. Then along comes so much wisdom from the vets. I no longer feel like I am turning circles, I am skating again.
I know hope comes from within, but sometimes it starts to get buried. Without this forum I would have gave up by now. I haven't shed any tears in awhile, although my children can choke me up a bit, but I am close right now thinking about all the courageous and wonderful people here.
I have a few friends that have gone through similar experiences recently, they all chose the easy way of not standing for their marriages, if not for all you, that would be me too. Hopefully this will be the hardest thing I ever go through, and if it isn't this experience will help me get through anything.
Thank you all!
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
A thought occured to me today...as DBers we put so much pressure on ourselves thinking we are standing and fighting to save our marriages.
Really what we are doing is standing and fighting for a "chance" to save our marriages with our spouses. Yes we need to be the ones to be strong and help them to believe there is a chance. Even once they believe there is a chance, it isn't a forgone conclusion that it is saved. We will need them to start working as hard as we have been.
So lets take a little pressure of ourselves and start enjoy that gift of time.
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
Could use some support. Yesterday was day one of four days that my children are with their grandparents, so no reason to contact my wife. I want to reach out to her, but I know I need these four days as much as she does.
Can't get the thought of her being with OM during this time. My only consolation is something I read about about rebound R's, in that it likely won't last based on her not taking the time to deal with our r.
Would a "hey, thinking about you, hope you have a good weekend" text be appropriate?
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
but I know I need these four days as much as she does.
Yes! What are you doing these four days? It's the weekend you know. What are your plans? Tell us all about them.
Originally Posted By: eyesopen
Can't get the thought of her being with OM during this time. My only consolation is something I read about about rebound R's, in that it likely won't last based on her not taking the time to deal with our r.
I repeat, what are you up to this weekend?? For you?
Next, to truly answer this part of your post, here's what I think. Right now I think you are still, at least somewhat, mentally living in the "this all must be a bad dream" chapter of the book. In other words, I get the feeling you are still asking yourself "Is this REALLY happening to me?"
So there's a page I think you need to do your best to turn here, hard as it may seem. Rather than dreading and cringing at the thought of her being with OM, I think you need to look at it as the new reality of your life. The new reality of your life is that at worst, her extracurriculars with OM are going on, and at best, her extracurriculars with OM MAY be going on, anytime she's not with you. Try to mentally establish all this as a FACT instead of a WORRY. Because you cannot worry this stuff away. You have to treat it instead as reality.
I'm having some trouble writing this as well as I'd like to, but I what I really mean is instead of looking at it like "I cannot get the thought of her being with OM (out of my head) at this time", I think you need to look at it as: "Ok, she might be with OM now. Gotta face it and accept that possibility as fact. What am I going to do next to deal with it?" I think the key is dealing with it instead of worrying about it.
Oh and one more thing, what are you doing for YOU this weekend?
Originally Posted By: eyesopen
Would a "hey, thinking about you, hope you have a good weekend" text be appropriate?
Why do you feel the urge to text this?
M-34 XW-32 D-7 Found OM's presence 4/09 Separated 12/09 Divorced 8/10 GREAT relationship as coparents since 8/10
I am climbing tonight, working on my house tomorrow, and Sunday I will be helping a friend cut wood for his parents. So I do have a full weekend ahead of me.
I am not sure I know what you mean to deal with it. Are you talking about dealing with it personally, or with my w? In her mind her actions are justifiable. I don't think talking to her about will change anything.
And yes I think I am still in denial, bad dream if you will.
The text is about about getting a reaction out of her. Making her question her decisions. Not forgetting about me. So no I will not send it. She needs to reach out to me.
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
I highly doubt she's forgotten about you. I'm guessing these things weight heavy on their minds as well.
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
I doubt it too. After all we share children. Normally my PMA is strong, sometimes I slip. If I learn nothing else from this, I know I will learn patience.
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
Really what we are doing is standing and fighting for a "chance" to save our marriages with our spouses.
Exactly. That's what makes it so darned tough. But that's the beauty of DB'ing, it turns the focus onto ourselves and making ourselves better so that even if the M doesn't survive, we'll emerge stronger and more confident instead of weak and defeated.
Originally Posted By: eyesopen
Would a "hey, thinking about you, hope you have a good weekend" text be appropriate?
I wouldn't right now. Maybe text on day 3 or 4, but not the first day. It's OK to reply if she contacts you though.
I think I may not text at all. Really have not been dark at all since this started. I know four days isn't that long, although with kids it is all I have.
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
