Its called MASKED Depression for a reason. You can not see it. REPLAY is made up of a huge amount of masked depression.
If you wait long enough the mask will slip and you will see behind it. But it is best to detach and stay out of the way because their will be destruction associated with everything.
Right now it may only be your marriage and your relationship.
To add to what Cadet has posted, mlcers wear many masks during mlc. They are attempting to find the right mask for their lives. Depression in men is very different than it is for women.
If you sit quietly and patiently, the mask that he is wearing will slip and you will be able to see behind it, but it takes time.
Grab a seat on the curb and we'll share our popcorn w/you as he zooms by.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
So, essentially, what I've been telling him for years--that he needs to get some help for his depression--was correct. Instead of listening to me, he blamed me and now has done what may be irreparable damage to our marriage and kids. There has got to be a better way. This is insane.
Why can't he just see this? What the heck!! Part of me wants to just sit down and tell him what he needs to do and get him into someone with experience in male depression. But, there's the risk that I will only push him further away.
Trying to see God's Master Plan in all this, but right now it just seems senseless and dumb. But mainly dumb.
Thanks for letting me vent. Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Yes, he needed to see someone about his depression, but he's not going to listen to you. Just as with an addict, they have to want to go to the doctor and get help.
Your h doesn't think that there is anything wrong w/himself. Mlcers do not want us diagnosing their problems, because they don't think that there is anything wrong w/themselves. Yes, they may have an inkling that something isn't right, but the self-medication is what makes them feel better for a short period of time.
You can't help him because you didn't break him. He has to figure this out for himself and the only way is to allow him to go through this crisis and do not try to snatch him out of it or it will be worse the next time around. He has to hit bottom on his own and on his on timetable. It could be a few months from now or a year from now, but you can't help him.
Keep the focus on you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
i'm going to go find that book- "hearing" you say this stuff to heather- got me thinking about my dad dying when i ws 18 and taking on my mom's issues. i didn't think it ws bad- you do what you can tohelp a person in need. maybe i've got some big "dad" issues in life- maybe a huge part of my h's "sin" is me wanting someone to take care of me - i've wondered if he replaced his runaway mom with me- we both have some of that stuff in there somewhere.
anyway- good insights- thinking on it all - tnx for sharing perspective goop -
Lois/Heather, You may want to check out the book entitled "Silent Sons" by Robert Ackerman. It is an excellent book.
You aren't raising your son all wrong. The problem is that back in the day, people didn't have the proper skills/tools to deal w/children and work and they kept very closed mouth about the issues in their marriages. They weren't as open as they are today. Keep in mind that what happened to your h took place when he was a child. People today have the luxury of more tools and aren't shy about talking things out. Networking, counseling services are available, addiction clinics are more readily available, physicians are more educated on matters of abuse (all kinds), teachers are more aware of abuse and should be reporting it to the principals in schools, etc.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Just got back from a counseling with 18-yr-old daughter. She revealed that a boy we both trusted date raped her last weekend.
I'm in shock. Part of me is enraged and part of me is asking God "Really? Seriously? How much more are we supposed to handle?"
Counselor also discussed D18's anxiety over college and the college applications and visits with us. I've been feeling overwhelmed because I feel like this is all on my shoulders.
C suggested I ask H for the application money--approximately $350 since I'm taking her on the visits.
I would love any suggestions on how to give him this information.
Thanks to all, Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Feel very alone right now. I would love someone doing something FoR ME for a change.
Not sure what D18 is going to do about the date rape. It's been a week. I told her she HAS to go to the Doctor. She seems to be handling it better than me. I told H I would let him know how the session went and about what D18 decides. I haven't a clue as to what to tell him.
Jeeeeeeeeeez. Ready for something good to happen!
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Lois, You need to advise him of what has happened to his daughter. He is after all her father even though he is in crisis himself.
Unfortunately any evidence of the date rape is gone now unless there was tearing. Your daughter needs to go to the doctor just in case there is something more going on, i.e., contracting of STDs, etc. It's probably too late for the morning after pill...
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
