He was watching Machine Gun Preacher, actually a good movie,
Agree an awesome movie!
You are getting some very good advice and support from snodderly, who I have a ton of respect for but I did want to point out one thing that I noticed in your post.
Quote:
Had a surprisingly nice evening with H last night. Actually watched 2 movies together... well the first one I just kinda plopped myself down on the couch while we were eating and hadn't planned on staying for the whole thing, but it caught my attention so I did.
Given that your H is still in the house (I lived with mine for 18 months), the tendency is to notice any “act of kindness or normalcy” and take it for more than it is worth. I am not saying not to appreciate those moments and take that time to show your H what he may be missing, but I would just caution you to keep your expectation low.
From what I have read you are doing a great job!
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Happy Anniversary to me *sarcasm* today is one year since BD, well tonight will be, around 9pm, not a day I will ever forget, that's for sure. On the up side, I'm not the person I was back then, I'm new and improved, and still a work in progress. In light of the making it one year with my MLCer I wanted to take a moment and thank you all for your support, encouragement, and smacks in the head when needed, because I doubt I could have made it this far with out all of your support. I really do appreciate what you all have to share, I think you are all wonderful people, thank you.
Thanks Kimmerz! I'll continue to be on the lookout for missing stuff... so far he just randomly moves things. lol Yeah, H left strange random stuff in 2 dresser drawers last year when he moved all his stuff out of our room.
wishing, hoping~Strange the things they keep. So far H has kept the anniversary card I gave him. But maybe he forgot he put it on the shelf, it's slide so far back.
Snodderly~Great analogy with the Cabin in the Woods movie, sooo true!! Your explanation of the gift thing makes perfect sense too. Also reminded me of one of the "talks" we had months ago when he asked why I would want to be in a relationship with someone who has hurt so many people, not feelling very worthy I guess, it's all so sad.
Eric~Thank You! I really appreciate your post. No worries, expectations low to zero, hope though is still there, although runs lower some days.... My counselor once told me I almost don't like the good interactions because I know the bad is coming..... he's right, I know it won't last, but I've gotten better at appreciating it for what it is, enjoying the moment and not giving into worry or fear all the time.
Updates~Nothing new to really report, I haven't seen H really since Monday. He stayed out late Tuesday evening 11, strange for Mr. goes to bed around the time a toddler would! LOL He didn't go to the gym yesterday in the morning (back to it this morning though), but I left before he was out of the shower, I left a note on the fridge telling him he could help himself to the leftover crock pot chicken and stuffing I had made the night before (it's freaking delicious!), and the awesome peanut butter/ chocolate mousse pie I made.
When I got home last night (a bit before 9), H was in bed, and I noticed he actually ate some of the chicken, but no pie, I was surprised since he seems to be cycling back into me being the enemy, thought he would have just eaten cereal like he does sometimes (I guess to prove a point, who knows, I'm glad he ate the leftovers though because there is so much and I hate to waste food.
Anyway, I'm just going to continue to keep myself busy, also been really busy with work too, less time to think is good sometimes. Have a fabulous day all!
H said to me this morning as he was rushing out the door to get to a match, "This is just one more thing that doesn't make sense in this world." It was in reference to after we ML. The craziness continues, and he is indeed crazy, but I love him in spite of it.... how is this NOT considered a mental illness?? My opinion, it really should be.
Aside from that I've been keeping myself busy, had a couple of days of anger, but worked through it. H cycled back into text everyone and their brother, I'm young and cool and can stay out late. *shrugs* I'd say the repeat button is definitely stuck! Thank the Lord for my awesome friends! And that it's haunted attraction season! LOL
Last night H initiated another "talk". I felt it was coming, been awhile since the last one. He's definitely stuck in repeat. I just kept thinking don't believe what he says. He still says he wants out, doesn't want to be married, doesn't want the house, etc. He also still says he thinks I don't take him seriously, that I think this is all a joke, etc. I told him I do take him seriously and am well aware this is not a joke. I listened, and validated. I spoke briefly about me after he made the comment, "Sorry I ruined your life." I told him he didn't ruin my life, just changed it's direction. I was consistent in my insistence that I am standing. He asked even when you get divorce papers? I said yes, stood firm on the it would be your divorce not mine point.
At one point he told me when he sees those commercials for Christian Mingle he thinks that I should join! LOL I couldn't help but laugh at that, and told him that won't be happening.
While he was talking I was able to pull out some truth from him. He's very selfish right now and stubborn, he doesn't care about anyone but himself. He still hates his job and is looking for a new one daily, pretty much life has disappointed him. He thinks he's doing great ever since BD, yet while we were talking he didn't look great, he looked exhausted and depressed. He looked physically in pain when I would say nice things to him, like I know the good man is inside, and that I appreciate and respect him, etc. That I am willing to continue to give him time and space. He asked, yes but how much? I said as much as it takes.
He made a comment about having already been at his lowest back at BD, I said maybe you weren't, what if the lowest is yet to come? He said, sarcastically, well there's a pleasant thought. I said, well when we are our lowest that's when we grow the most. I said some positive things about the future and told him I have thought about all the potential ways this could go. I stood firm in my belief we can build a stronger marriage. He said he will continue to think about us getting to know each other again, but for right now he doesn't want that. I told him I understand.
I asked about his family, and said I miss them too, because they are my family as well. He finally told me about his sister being pregnant. He then asked about my family, so I gave him brief highlights and said they all ask about him, they miss him. I don't know if that was DB or not, I think he needed a bit of reality. He again had that pained look on his face.
During the conversation I was extremely calm, I was filled with peace, not anxiety for once. I spoke calmly to him. He still said he didn't want to fight with me. I said we aren't fighting we are just talking. He also continues to say he doesn't want children, I think he thinks if he says that enough I will say ok it's over. I know why he thinks he doesn't want children, and he cemented my theory with a comment about his sister, he said of her, after I asked if she got pregnant on purpose (which his family thinks she did), "yeah, well now she will have another life to screw up, not just her own." My counselor is so right, H feels worthless. It hurts to see him like this, so lost and stuck. I will continue to pray for him.
I did mention a couple of things about God and he said something about us being so different because we "don't believe in God in the same way". I said well God believes in you. I got the same pained look.
He also made his usual if I had a gf comment. I said my usual adultery, your choice, I don't want an STD comment. He seemed a bit angry and said, "If you're using that as a threat it's not working because it my mind we aren't married. I said no, I'm not, I would never threaten you. I'm just saying it like it is. I understand in your mind we aren't married, but legally we are, and in my heart we are. So if you were to get a gf it would still be adultery."
He apparently plans on staying in the house until spring because then our 3 years would be up of having to live here (did that government $8,000 back thing). Also says he's getting a tv for "his" room, asked me to clean out the closet and bookshelf in there (has stuff in it for the kids we were going to have, I just haven't been able to face that part yet). I told him I would get the stuff out, but I'm not ready to get rid of it yet. I still need to work through that. He said no rush. He also said he's sorry he "ruined that part of our lives together", I couldn't respond, too painful yet.
That's the gist of the long conversation. Like I said, I don't know how DB it was, but sometimes a reality check needs to be made. Also, like I said, I did a great job at being calm and I only let tears out a few times, the not having a baby thing is still something I have a hard time with. Anyway, I stood firm in the fact that I am standing for our marriage (even though he thinks I'm crazy), I made it known I am doing well, he also knows I want him in my life, but that choice is his.
I must have done something right because after the conversation he came back and asked me if I would do something for him and I said what? He asked for a hug, I of course hugged him. As we were hugging he thanked me for all of my patience and understanding. I just said you're welcome.
Last night I had made pork BBQ in the crock pot, he actually ate some of it. He came back and told me how amazing it is. He went back for seconds, and then thirds. He came back to where I was and said to me, seriously if you want any of this you should probably go get some now, I may eat it all. I laughed and told him I was glad he was enjoying it.
The rest of the evening was pleasant, we watched Walking Dead together, and he even talked to me about parts of the show that annoyed him and were unrealistic (the shooting parts).
So it looks like this roller coaster ride is still in the beginning, won't be getting off soon....
hrm, You did an excellent job in listening, validating and stating your thoughts to your h yesterday. I don't know how you did it. Your h has revealed quite a bit about where he is at and what he thinks of himself. The pained look says it all...he does care and yet, he doesn't value himself or what he's done w/his life right now.
One question for you...why does he want you to remove the things from the closet? Can't he do it himself? It would seem that if he was so gung ho in using the closet he would pack up the stuff....but I guess, it's a painful reminder to him too. It just sounded like he was looking to you as a "mom" to do this chore.
This conversation had been building up for quite some time and after he "blew", he felt better and more of a civil human being. The man has been in a dither for about a month and it took its toll on him. Now that he thinks he's laid all of his cards on the table, he should be in a better frame of mind for a bit. I'm not surprised that he ate the pork BBQ...he felt better after the conversation.
I do believe your ride is really just beginning...he's not fully engaged in replay yet, but it's not too far off. Strap yourself into the car and get ready for the bumps and twists and turns.
Hang in there!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I'm sorry but what is it with that "in my mind I am not married to you therefore I am not committing adultery" bull? What a line of crap. Sorry HRM but H used that on me too along with "I just want to move on my my life". This isn't exactly DB but I have had enough excuses. You are married and until the day the marriage is legally done you are committing adultery plain and simple.
Sorry I just had to vent. You are too good a person to accept that from him. I just want you to know that.
(((HRM)))
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
It's all part of the mlc script. Yep, they sure do say that stuff. In their minds, they left the marriage (emotionally) 18-24 months prior to dropping the bomb. Therefore, they think that once they've announced their intentions, that they can go off and date and do whatever else they want in a new relationship. However, they don't stop to think that they are committing adultery. They don't stop to think that adultery is still on the table until the ink is dry on the divorce decree.
Yes, they want to move on w/their lives and where do they go? They are on the wheel, i.e., running and running and the wheel continues to turn going absolutely nowhere.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Everytime I read the title of your thread, I think about my H. It describes him perfectly. I swear I had a similar conversation with my H before he finally moved out. I'm not sure what the real catalyst for him to move back in with his parents at 38, while unemployed. Apparently it makes sense to him though.
I might need to start posting over here, rather than Newcomers. Guess crazy is indeed in style again!
Hello all! I hope everyone is doing well, I've been keeping myself busy! Last night I got together with a friend I haven't seen in months, we had a great time! She had me doing a spinning class with her.... WOW! It was great, but I feel like I'm still out of shape after that! hahaha
snodderly~ Thank you! And as always thank you so much for your input, I always appreciate it! You know, your questions about the closet, are very good, and I hadn't even thought about that until you mentioned it. He's quite able to clean it out himself, there is not reason I should have to do it. My only thought is, maybe, in his head he has compartmentalized that as "my" stuff, not "our" stuff since it's future baby stuff and he now wants not parts of that. But really who knows. Not fully into replay yet.... ugh.... the twists and turns have already been a lot for me.... I'm not sure how much craziness I can take! But I'm not going to worry, I'll let God handle it.
WH~ I totally agree that line IS total crap. However, I do understand in his messed up mind right now that's how he is thinking. He's living in a fantasy world, and in fantasy world we are not married, and I'm sure a lot of other crazy, probably laughable stuff is going on up there. So while, I understand, I don't agree with it. Clearly he knows that's some faulty thinking or he wouldn't have gotten upset when I said it's adultery. I'm the only one who has been speaking truth to him, which makes it a little bit harder to hold onto the rationalization (I just keep thinking, it's a rational lie we tell ourselves to make it seem like the behavior is ok, even thought it's not and we know that).
RoRoinMD ~ LOL a lot of crazy things make sense to them. Seeing as how my H has a family full of crazy people it's hard to tell what craziness I'll get next. Not enough popcorn in the world...... Also there are a lot of good people over here, with a lot of good insight.
updates~ There's not really a lot to update. H continues to be civil, even would go so far as to say nice. He even apologized to me when he irritated me the other night, said he didn't want to end an evening like that. I just about fell over from shock!
He's not going to be home this weekend, he just left a little bit ago. I actually know where he is going this weekend. He told me Sunday night he would be going away, and he told me it was with a shooting buddy (after I had asked about shooting and this particular person). This is the most information he has given me in months.
When I had seen him Thursday morning he told me he wasn't sure what time he would be home that night, I told him I wasn't sure when I would be home either. Again, that's the most information I've had in a year.
Also interesting, he hasn't shaved in probably a week, which he never does, I don't know if he's going for the bearded look (hey MLC anything can happen) or if it's a reflection of the chaos inside. Just thought it was interesting. Oh and toothbrush has been in the holder this entire time. LOL
As for me tonight I'm picking up a friend from the hospital (she's having a laparoscopy done, I hope everything goes well for her today.) Tomorrow I'll be working for my dad, only running things on my own, he and his wife are going out of town for a wedding, but my brother should be coming down to help me out some in the AM. Tomorrow night, of course, haunted attraction, found one that sounds interesting in MD, so we will see. I guess I'm doing alright at GAL.
hrm, Sounds like everything has been on a civil keel this week. Maybe he feels better after talking to you last week and getting his frustrations off his chest. They do tend to allow things to build to the point of an explosion.
About the beard, either he's changing his look because he thinks he will feel better by doing so or he's getting ready for hunting season.
I hope your friend is okay and follows her doctor's orders when she goes home today. Good luck w/running things while your father is away this weekend. It should be a nice weekend after the rain/storms go through this morning.
Enjoy the haunted attraction! There are a lot of them popping up now.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I really do appreciate what you all have to share, I think you are all wonderful people, thank you. 
Have a fabulous day all!