Now Separated, Am I doing the right things?

[roughenough]

I apologize for being a little behind, but what have you done or are you doing to change you? Your wife loved you enough to marry you...why did she fall for you then and what is different now? These are the things you have to explore...for me I started taking myself and life in general way to seriously and forgot to smile and have fun. I forgot to be her friend first....and perhaps most importantly I didnt bother to ask her how she wanted to be loved. I dont know if I read it here or elsewhere b/c i've read so many things in the last few months but this statement made such a profound impact on me........the golden rule says to do unto others as you would have them do unto you....but thats not how it works in marriage....you have to do unto others the way they want to be done unto.

I hope that makes sense....I kind of butchered it I think but it makes sense in my head. LOL The point is that I tried to love my wife the way that I wanted to be loved.....my love languages if you will are words of affirmation and affection so its a huge deal to me for someone to say 'I love you' to me...so I made sure that I always said I love you to her multiple times daily....problem is her love language is more in tune with acts of service....doing something to lighten her burden if you will...and I didnt do that at all. Anyway, just something else to think about because as much as your focus is on 'getting your wife back' if you don't use this time to delve into the why's and how's then it won't matter in the long run because you'll end up in the same situation again down the road.

^^^^^^^This is powerful Carnac, well said. Not tonight, but I need to put more thought into this.

[25yearsmlc]

Thank you. I need to think about all of this.

My point about your writing has nothing to do with style or grammar or any "editing" I might want to do.

It's about clarity and you being more direct. I asked if you communicate in speech, the way you write,

b/c if you do,

then you and your wife are not clear with each other. Her letter is an example of her lack of clarity, which confuses you.

And your writing, at times, is unclear and if it's how you speak, then it's probably not as clear as you believe.

I get the concept of venting here, quite well.

My question was about your ability to communicate with her, in a clear way. (Hence the suggestions I made about how you can talk to her).

It's Not about your writing style or grammar. Hey, I know I'm not here to teach English Composition and I wasn't trying to be small minded.

It's about how you communicate with others instead of directly w/her, then interpret or mind read, often negatively, and your use of inuendo, that I find confusing. Is that clearer?

I hope this helps.

[roughenough]

Yeah, I can work with this 25. Thanks for going a bit slower this time. I can process your shorter posts a lot better. When you start crossing sh!t off, get the bold thing going and all that jazz, it just fu!cks me up, seriously. Your spot on but it’s serious overload for me.

Communication isn’t an easy thing. If anyone says it is, I don’t know if I would believe them. Your seeing how I communicate, it’s probably the same in person and it’s probably the same with my W

You commented about my W being unclear in her email and that makes sense because I think she’s confused. I think some might agree that it could be a good thing.

I would like to talk with you more about communication because Ive been having some good progress recently. I will tell you more tomorrow, ok.

[bustingout]

How are you today Rough?

I was reading along...you have so much to think about and absorb from these posts..so much caring and insightful advice. I am always thinking about you Rough, and I know you are feeling an explosion of emotions. That is why this struck me from Denver (and thank you Denver for posting it because its really spot on in terms of how it feels...sometimes we need others to clarify...you give wonderful advice...i know we don't communicate but i want to thank you because what you write helps a lot of us)

Rough ARE going to be ok. We all believe it.


I know exactly where you are emotionally right now. Your W's email was a let down and, it has you scared. I get it. I really do. I went through this experience, oh, I don't know, half a dozen times. That feeling like maybe things are looking up and maybe I see a light at the end of the tunnel, to having that feeling crushed, and having to face the fact that i was no where close to the end.

I get it. You are hurt, frustrated, and afraid that this is it for your M.

You will get through it though. I promise. And each time that it happens, it will get easier, less painful. Because you will learn that none of it is permanent... that it is not going to kill you... that you ARE going to be okay regardless. We can say these things to you, to ourselves, to everyone else, as much as we want, til we're blue in the face... but until it really settles into your head and heart, it doesn't seem true. But I will say it again... you are going to be good Rough. Regardless.

So for now... allow yourself to experience all of these feelings. There is no way through pain, but through it. There is no way around it and no short cut through it. You can build a wall around your heart to protect yourself from it, but I promise you that that is no way to live.

Allow yourself to go through it. Cry, yell, go beat a punching bag, go lift some weights, lie in bed all day for a weekend, whatever you need to do. Just allow yourself to go through it.

Then you decide what you want to do from here... and we reassess your situation.

Dust your pants off, get up, and keep moving forward.

[Carnac]

Rough: Whats the plans for the weekend? Anything fun to do? I've got to coach my sons game tomorrow at 12 but other than that I really can't decide what I want to do. Maybe a movie or some live music, a little golfing, need to try something new, just not sure what 'new' i'd like to try. Maybe disc golf...anyone ever do that?

[labug]

Rough, fear is such a huge factor in this journey. I know it sounds pat but what is your worst fear in all this? Really think about that and get comfortable with it. What's the worst that can happen?

And if that happens, what would you do? What could you do?

When you know that you are up to facing and conquering whatever fears you have, you will be free to move forward.

[roughenough]

How are you today Rough?

I was reading along...you have so much to think about and absorb from these posts..so much caring and insightful advice. I am always thinking about you Rough, and I know you are feeling an explosion of emotions. That is why this struck me from Denver (and thank you Denver for posting it because its really spot on in terms of how it feels...sometimes we need others to clarify...you give wonderful advice...i know we don't communicate but i want to thank you because what you write helps a lot of us)

Rough you ARE going to be ok. We all believe it.

Hi Bustingout,

What a thoughtful post. It means a lot and I sincerely appreciate it. I totally agree, there’s a lot of caring and insightful advise! The posts have given me a ton to think about. This board takes on a life of its own. I know this sounds a little crazy but I am telling you, this stuff would make for an amazing reality show. Seriously, people enjoy those shows because of the “emotion” they create. Yes, it would need to be based off us vs. the internet, if that makes any sense. It would be really cool and suspenseful. Following the couples for an entire season and then the finale would show which couples reconciled. With the divorce rates these days, I think it would speak to a lot of people. Just a wild thought I had. I don’t want anyone to confuse this with “a game” because this stuff is no joke!

Yeah, I know I will be ok. Our son is having a hard time with all of this. We try to be careful with the things he’s exposed to but he’s 8 and does a good job putting together the pieces. His teacher emailed W and I yesterday because of his behavior at school. I am heading to his school in a bit and taking him out to lunch. He might be excited to see me but I won’t be taking him out to an exciting lunch because I need to work with him on his behavior. He will be getting a bare bones lunch, something boring but nutritious.

[roughenough]

Rough: Whats the plans for the weekend? Anything fun to do? I've got to coach my sons game tomorrow at 12 but other than that I really can't decide what I want to do. Maybe a movie or some live music, a little golfing, need to try something new, just not sure what 'new' i'd like to try. Maybe disc golf...anyone ever do that?

Hey Carnac,

I was told disc golf can be a lot of fun, never tried it though. You can't go wrong with live music or a movie. I know the new Bond movie is coming out which should be really good. I haven’t figured out anything for tonight. I should have a lot of fun Saturday night. One of my good friends is an amazing gourmet chef. He will be cooking for a rehearsal dinner wedding party for over 200 people and he’s allowed to bring some friends so I am going to join. There going to have great food, a live band and a huge bon fire, it should be really fun. I won’t know anyone but that doesn't bother me because I am fairly outgoing. Maybe I should watch Wedding Crashers before I go I have the kids for the entire day on Sunday which will be great. My kids got invited to a birthday party so that’s on the agenda for Sunday.

[Carnac]

Sounds like you've got a busy weekend Rough, good for you. Im actually thinking about the movie and the music im not real sure yet. I know my son will be with me tonight and im thinking we might go see Taken 2...I really liked the first one. Then he's got a game tomorrow and the concert tomorrow night kind of depends on if he's with me or not...if not i'll probably just hang out around the fire pit at a friends with a nice cigar. We've got team pictures Sunday afternoon for about an hour and then we may try the disc golf thing

[roughenough]

Rough, fear is such a huge factor in this journey. I know it sounds pat but what is your worst fear in all this? Really think about that and get comfortable with it. What's the worst that can happen?

And if that happens, what would you do? What could you do?

When you know that you are up to facing and conquering whatever fears you have, you will be free to move forward.

“fear is such a huge factor in this journey.” Are you telling me bug, noooo kidding. I am glad you’ve brought it to my attention because it’s something I need to be mindful of. I know Bond takes a strong stance on this topic as well. He told me a couple months ago not to be scared of her.

Your questions are difficult to answer. I don’t know, it’s hard to explain. There’s so much emotion involved, so much love. A strong desire to reconcile. It’s very difficult to love someone unconditionally and try to be her friend. Then I have to detach and go dark. It’s a lot of different emotions that pull me in different directions. People say “let them go.” Well, I haven’t. I will let her go when I am done fighting. Maybe I need to try harder to let her go NOW. Maybe that’s what I need to protect myself and to make the changes I need to make. One important change is to laugh more. I seriously need us to interact in a more lighthearted fashion. This doesn't mean I need to be a comedian but I need to get some humor going between her and I. Trying to get her to laugh is no easy task though, but this stuff wasn't made to be easy.

I've had more anxiety when I've been around my W recently. Probably because I've put to much focus on her. I hold my own but it’s paralyzing in a way. W mirrors me a lot of the time. Seriously, it’s hard to get her to talk. If I initiate small talk then she will go a long with it but she’s very dry with me and she rarely asks me any questions. Her and I are similar in so many ways, we even have the same birthday. I need to work towards removing that fear. My W and most women want a confident man, while I do a good job masking it, I imagine it might be noticeable. I know I am rambling, I am good at that.

Is it the fear of being alone? I am sure that plays a part. I don’t want any other women though. If I have fear, nothing’s going to happen, I would do anything, maybe it would cause me to get stuck. Maybe it would slow my growth. Am I making sense? Do you think I am on the right track?