Victim No More

[Cadet]

Reading Anderson's book "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing."

Thats a good book.

She has a website too that can help you with outer child inventory.

I cant link it here but you should be able to find it.

[TSquared2]

Hi TVS,

I agree that the adultery is not justified, nor is the verbal and emotional abuse "okay" that they toss onto us. But it is happening, at the moment, so I think we have to have a context based on reality to change the framework in our minds to minimize the damage to our self-esteem, the damage to US.

For me, once I shone a light of reality upon what seemed, from all reports from W, her perfect soulmate, dream man, new life, "true self" ad nauseum, it dispelled all the soul wrenching thoughts and feelings of something horribly wrong with me, and I started to recover myself. I saw that it was not me, imperfect as I am, it was something with her.

W and I have talked about the first OM from back in 2009/2010 after the fact during the remission in the mlc. This is the one were I had NOT yet learned the dangers to me of snooping. The things I saw devastated me, and strangely, the non-sexual things hurt worse...all the fantasy dinner plans and such. After the affair was over, W couldn't believe the things she thought and said, she said they were not her, at all. And she couldn't understand why she couldn't let go of a guy who was cheating on his wife with two (known) other MARRIED women, that that normally is a total turn-off to her. But she thought she was "special" somehow. I think this 2nd round she burned/is burning through them repeating the same dynamic...you know, what they say about not learning the first time we are given opportunity to learn it again, and again, until we do? That's just a gut feeling I have gotten, nothing yet known as fact.

So the point I am taking so long to get to is that, Heather, OW is not getting anything better than you, though it may seem like it now because she "has" H and you don't. She has Mr. High, Mr. Damaged. There are tons of predators out there that are looking for some drama, some break from the ennui of their shallow lives, without having any responsibility. For example, there is a meme of males who actively target middle-aged, married women because you can "get the milk without buying the cow"...their H's get to pay for the maintenance, the kids, the car, the groceries and all the responsibility, the predators get the fun...and the same exists in the female world as well.

So Heather, what is the OW? She is going after a married guy with a substance abuse issue...man, she sounds like a high quality, moral person that you should envy....NOT!!!!! Those facts alone put her beneath you. This is not about you, a total rejection of you, though H may say it is. This is about him, and he is "affairing down" because he needs someone more f*-ed up than he is to feel something good about himself.

Feel your feelings, get p*ssed off as all hell, then feel through it, and look at the underlying reality of the A. Then let it go, please do not let it destroy the gold that is YOU. Once you can re-frame it, it has so much less power.

Sorry for the long-winded post, I have put a lot of time into this issue over the last 3 years because I struggled with it so.

Btw, Anderson's book is excellent...man did it dig up lots of stuff for me regarding abandonment, one of my hard core issues through life.

This too shall pass, Heather, it does get better, really (and I did not believe that for a LONG time).

Hang in there!!



T^2

[LoisB]

So the point I am taking so long to get to is that, Heather, OW is not getting anything better than you, though it may seem like it now because she "has" H and you don't. She has Mr. High, Mr. Damaged.

This helps. I've lived with him in active addiction and it's not pretty. He is the world's biggest A$$--in fact that's generally how I know he's using again.

So Heather, what is the OW? She is going after a married guy with a substance abuse issue...man, she sounds like a high quality, moral person that you should envy....NOT!!!!! Those facts alone put her beneath you. This is not about you, a total rejection of you, though H may say it is. This is about him, and he is "affairing down" because he needs someone more f*-ed up than he is to feel something good about himself.

This helps too. Luckily, he made it painfully obvious that he's affairing down. Helps some. She is really icky skanky and sad.

Haven't tried to contact him in 8 days!!! My record is 10!

Thanks to all for the loving support. It means so much right now. I promise to pay it forward when this passes. Funny how complete strangers can make life so much easier!

Much Love,
Heather

[Takevowsserious]

Great post as always, T! I always look forward to your insight.

I know in my mind not to take affair personally, that it really is about him not me. But it still hurts like hell.

I'm happy for you that your W has come to a place where she can acknowledge what she did, and admit that things she said and did were truly not her. I hope so much that my H will get to that place someday.

I still don't know how I could ever really trust my H after all the repeated lies and such great betrayal.

Hope you're having a better day Heather! Know that you always have people here to listen and help - and they really do help!!!!

[TSquared2]

tvs-that was the first round she could/can talk about, not this round, yet...lol.

Heather, it sounds like you have had a lot of emotional investment in your R and H's R with substances over the years. In my sitch it was W's depression and hpd/bpd (though I didn't know the second part until the last couple of years).

Is there an al-anon or such group near you? It might help with the detaching and accepting bit. I am not too big on their "style", but I know people who it has helped.

Just an idea...

Be good to yourself!



T^2

[LoisB]

How does he sound so normal? So OK?

I had to text tonight because of some information about one of the kids. I kept it simple, stuck to the facts and let it go. He didn't respond and I assumed he wouldn't. But, he called.

The information was pretty serious stuff so I'm not reading anything into his calling.

After giving him the facts, I asked how he was doing. He said he was "actually doing pretty good."

The thing is that he sounded OK. How is that possible? I'm tearing my hair out and he's so OK?

Everyone that talks to him says the same thing. H sounds OK, pretty content with life as it is. HOW??? He has deserted his family and he's OK????

Please someone help me understand this. I know part could be the drugs, but I know him--he really sounds OK. I just don't get it. My life is falling apart and he is content.

Heather

[LoisB]

I've read the Why They Run thread and I know it mentions how the MLC-ers can fake being OK. They can appear OK on the outside but inside they are a mess. Still, he sounds soooooo OK. Known him for 30 years and he doesn't sound at all like he's falling apart. I DON'T GET IT!!!

[uRworthy]

Sweetie, of course you dont get it. That's because he is freakin nuts right now.

Trust me when I tell you that he is not ok. How can he be? He walked out on his family. You said it yourself, you have known him for 30 years. Is this something you could ever fathom that he would do?

They are very good at faking it because if they had to face what they've really done, it would bring them to their knees.

Nope, easier for them to pretend they are happy.

I know that when you are early into this you cannot believe that this was the person you were married to.

Remember that he knows there is something wrong. He just cannot figure it out. So, he tries to feel better. He thinks if he can get out of the marriage, then he'll feel better. When that doesnt work, he may try something else. But he will not realize until he looks inside that the problem is within him.

So, I know it is hard, but, try not to worry about whether he seems fine. He is not fine. He is broken.

What is important is that you will be fine.

And you will be.

Let him blow in the wind right now. His journey. Your job is to get out of the way and let him walk it.

You walk yours.

You can do this.

[LoisB]

Thanks so much. I started to think, well, maybe he has found what he wanted and he has moved on...

Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but he acted like he didn't want to get off the phone. We used to do this silly thing where I'd say Goodbye and He'd say Goodbye, but neither would hang up. And it happened during this phone call. We used to laugh about it and tease each other. There was no teasing tonight but I felt it--we were both thinking the same thing about this old "thing" we did on the phone.

I said goodbye and he said he looked forward to hearing from me about our daughter. Then, he says OK, bye. How are the dogs?

I almost didn't hear it because he said it so fast. I had to ask "did you just ask about the dogs?" He said--Yeah, how are the dogs?

One of our dogs is on death's door. He's a 15-yr-old border collie and he was H's dog.

The whole thing is so cuckoo. How are the dogs? Oh, and he asked if I got a car. Huh? You don't talk to me for months, don't talk to the kids for months and you want to know about the dogs and the car? HUH?????

[LoisB]

I have to tell you thanks again for your post. I'm not sure I could've slept tonight with the question of his "being OK" swirling in my head. It may seem insignificant, but you just made my night so much better. I may actually be able to rest.