WAW in Los Angeles

[wawinla]

Update:

It's been nearly 7 months since I lasted posted. As my D becomes final, I feel it would be helpful to spend time here again to reflect on the journey I've been on.

First off, my surgical procedure went well. I'm cancer free and under going regular check ups to monitor the situation. Looking back at the surgery now, many of the emotions I experienced were like those surrounding my D. The surgery itself was scary, at times overwhelming, and painful. While laying in the hospital and later recuperating at home, I couldn't help but feel a little sorry for myself. But those moments were fleeting and thankfully for the support of those around me, I faced the challenges of the surgery with optimism which aided in my recovery. I still experience some physical effects of the procedure every now and then, but unless it comes up in conversation, no one would be able to tell that I had major surgery less than a year ago. As to my WAW, I asked her to come to the hospital, but she never made it.

Two months after the procedure, I was recovered enough to serve as a United States team leader at the London Olympics, where thankfully our team returned with a Gold and Silver medal. For me, being able to make it to London to serve represented that I would be okay...not only from a physical standpoint, but also in regards to the D as well. Prior to my departure, our D court date had arrived. Instead of subjecting myself to a drawn out legal entanglement, we arranged for a settlement conference, where I decided to "let things go" so an agreement could be reached.

Upon the completion of the Games, I had a few days in London to myself. I couldn't think of a better back drop for my period of reflection. During this journey, I had many struggles, but a major one was letting go of my past life and adjusting to being alone. A quote that I found helpful was:

"Language...has created the word 'loneliness' to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word 'solitude' to express the glory of being alone." -- Paul Tillich

The buddhist view that we suffer when we desire for circumstances over which we have no control to be other than they are…I was struggling with letting go and suffering. Once I opened my heart and mind to being alone, solitude became my friend. And the GAL I was doing became more real and meaningful.

I still have my ebbs and flows emotionally, but in the end, as the "vets" here so eloquently express with their words of encouragement, things will get better.

Thanks again to everyone here, especially those who have taken the time to read and respond to my thread. Prayers and good thoughts to each of you.