Seattle, very interesting thoughts. We do not have kids. And H (well, lately OW) has our dog and has for some time.
I had been thinking along the lines of #4 until reading KAW's advice to marcd -- my H left initially because he said he was feeling neglected, unappreciated, alone, etc.
So, the advice was in THAT case you keep putting yourself out there and offering them unconditional love. Which after many missteps and trying to analyze my H to death and dealing with my own pain in a healthy way, I started to do. I did this all last year and he kept wanting to come home. March. April. July. August. November.
I suspect there is big OW withdrawal and grief and I get the sense my H does NOT think he should feel that... because then there must be something wrong with us if those feelings take a while to dissipate. I get this impression from him a lot and only recently was able to make sense of it.
So... perhaps #2 or #3 really is the best option, even if it's not much of a 180. It is consistency in who I am and willingness to adapt (180 on the no friends if there is D thing).
I like your thought process here. It makes sense.
SS, I'm not sure what it looks like either to be friends with someone in this sitch. When is it "OK" to call, etc.
I do feel like for a long time H was initiating efforts to be my friend (while living with and carrying on with OW). Especially after having an argument with me, he'd send me stuff via email. I rebuffed most of these attempts and said I was not interested in that, too painful. Yes, I do see how dumb that was-- now.
He stopped them and he creeped more forward, then did the alien runaway thing as we got too close.
I don't at all get the sense that he truly wants me OUT of his life in every sense. Not at all. But what if it's cake-eating? Maybe I am afraid of that.
SS, my C thinks the D papers are more of getting too close and fear of failing and then having nothing at all, whereas right now at least he can have OW without any real work. And feels he must do something to "move forward with his life" (big phrase for him these days).
Maybe that is it-- I don't know. I really don't know what caused him to change his mind like that. Or to bring up stuff from the dark past again (the feelings that made him leave initially all this time later) or to decide to do this at my birthday time... the timing and things he said make me suspect it's more fear than clearing his head about things.
The timing near my birthday particularly--that's either being cluelessly self-absorbed or deliberately hurtful... and not the actions of someone making positive steps forward after some time to think and some C.
