Well I am hopeful. And I am worrying about me (and my daughter) and in order to do that fully, I am going to have to put him in a very hard position with his child, his finances, his life really and I feel really horrible for having to do it.
YOU are not doing this. HE is doing this. He is forcing you into a position where you must protect yourself and your D. But have no doubts about this, the situation is 100% of his making. HE has to suffer the consequences of his actions. That's what is going on here.
And you might be surprised to find that if you stand up for you and your D against him and force him to suffer the consequences of his actions, he may lash out at first but eventually respect you for being so strong.
Originally Posted By: ForMyHusband
He already said he would be pissed if I forced him out (which I can do with a court order). Isnt there a point where its taking it too far making it "look" like I've dropped the rope? I don't want to drop it at all
Maybe there's more to this than I realize, but I wouldn't force him out. You for sure should not leave, but why would you force him out? What I told my W is that I wanted to try to work things out with her and was willing to work at it as long as possible while she was under my roof, but if she wanted to move out I wasn't going to stop her. I told her I wanted her to be happy, and if she thought moving out would make her happy then I supported her decision. Unfortunately she did move out, but the bottom line was I held my ground and felt stronger and more confident for it.
Well its been a tough but good few days. H disappeared again with OW for 4 days with no contact or anything but I have gotten much stronger and I have set some boundaries with him. I've dove into my book and am making progress. Some of the boundaries I have set so far is: 1. He will keep his laundry in his own hamper and do it himself 2. He must tell me if he is not returning to the house for the night 3. He is not permitted to use my luggage (this may be small but I found out he was using MY luggage that was given to me as a gift to drag his clothes back and forth) 4. I have set up a weekend schedule so that he must take care of his daughter every second weekend, something he has not done since this has started. 5. I am not waiting for him to make supper
I have also started to GAL a bit more - even went out with some girlfriends to a party Saturday night (my mom watched my daughter for me). Have joined a book club and am starting to exercise again.
Its been hard to be "friendly" and nice to him at the moment but I feel alot of anger now, especially after he disappeared again and I was left explaining to D that I didn't know where daddy was. In a way I think I've gone a bit dark on him, retreating to my bedroom after D goes to bed and not allowing myself to be n the same room with him. I've also contacted a lawyer to explore my options and rights.
So I hope this is okay for now, I love him but can't wait for him to come back anymore, its been almost 2 months since he started this EA/PA with this girl and I really don't know if its going to end - he's never been the type of person to have flings so I can't wait to see if it happens or not.
Is there anything I can say to him at this point or is it best not to say anything?
Is there anything I can say to him at this point or is it best not to say anything?
I don't think words will help in the current situation. Let the affair run its course and try to detach from it as best as you can. Great that you have found GAL activities.
Thanks longrun. I had a good meeting with my lawyer today after two days of misery over the thought of having to tell my daughter. So basically I have to not initiate any conversations with him, no texting and basically "act" like he is not here even when he is here. I'm wondering how people deal with living with someone who acts like they don't even care an ounce about you and can't stand to be in the same room as you? My self esteem is completely shot, I feel mentally and emotionally abused most days. How do others deal with that?
I'm wondering how people deal with living with someone who acts like they don't even care an ounce about you and can't stand to be in the same room as you? My self esteem is completely shot, I feel mentally and emotionally abused most days. How do others deal with that?
By coming to the realization that our self-esteem comes from within, not from what others think about us or how they treat us. Remember that your H loved you for many years, now that he thinks he doesn't love you are you a different person than you were before? No, what has changed is your H's perception of how he feels about you. You are still the same person.
Now I'm not saying you shouldn't change anything about yourself, you should use this as an opportunity to take stock of mistakes you've made and do 180's on those.
But your self-esteem is another matter, you shouldn't let this whole experience make you forget who you are and what your value is. The reason for GALing is to build your self-esteem back up WITHOUT your H. PMA kind of goes hand-in-hand with self-esteem, and the goal is to have an abundance of positive energy which will show your H you will be fine with or without him. Once he sees this he may very well be drawn back to you like a moth to light.
Its been a while since I posted. And a lot has happened. My husband has now moved out of our home. He moved out this weekend. I do believe he is living with his girlfriend part time and part time at his parents house altho I am not sure. I was the one who asked him to leave, to take some time to see what he was missing. Maybe it was foolish of me but I could not stand the emotional torture anymore. I had to tell my daughter on my own that her daddy moved out. She said to me "mommy I know something is going on with you and daddy" so it left me no choice, I couldn't lie to her. Before he left for the past 3 weeks I was pretty much in the dark. I couldn't even speak. When I tried it led to crying and breakdowns. I love him and miss him very much and my daughter is heart broken. He told me he loved me but I don't know what that means anymore. He's scared I will have another mid life crisis but I know I won't but I can't prove that to him. He told one of his close friends who has been through this (and made it through) that he feels very guilty about what is going on and is also heartbroken himself. My words don't do anything. He left without telling me or his daughter so I don't know where this is going especially in regard to his time with his daughter. I'm hoping that the physical separation will help heal me emotionally and also give him time to see what he is missing and where he truly belongs. I know he is in his own mid life crisis now. I've never made contact with the girlfriend as much as I would like to. I just don't know what to do at this point. I don't know how to rebuild his trust in trust me but also move on for myself and my daughter at the same time. I don't know how to be "nice" to him when he has hurt me and our daughter so much. I do not want to stop fighting for my family ever but i also don't want my daughter to be so hurt and confused by allowing him access to her whenever he feels an uge to be a parent. His mother said to me she thinks he's in a mode of "well she did it so now I'm gonna" and I should give him a certain period of time to "snap out of it". Which I am willing to do I just don't know what I'm supposed to do while "waiting". If I GAL by going out with my friends then it looks like I'm "acting single" again and that I don't love him anymore and that I don't want to reconcile. But if I just keep muddling around my house and being sorry for myself, I will never be the person he fell in love with. Help.
For... Ill go back and read your entire thread, but... Based on your last two posts...
Why don't you start with changing your Screen Name to... ForMySelf.
And, start moving forward with your life... Planning, implementing, enjoying.
Show your daughter that life doesn't end when a relationship does. It's just time to dig in and be the best you... Including coparenting in the best interest of her...
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
I am showing my daughter that life goes on as best I can, she doesn't see me crying but she knows I'm sad, even when I'm smiling. She's a very smart child. So do you think I should "give up" then? He's not going to return home?
Gosh. I'll respond back in more detail after I read more...
But, the guy disappears for days at a time w/the OW, and you're concerned that its harder and harder to be nice to him...???
Based on mine, and many, many others I've dealt with here... He will only be interested once you've moved on... And, then if he does.. You have the choice...
Do you really want this type of man for your next relationship?
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
