Hmmm. Could have been either, I guess. Oh well, feel like I went off on a tangent there... didn't mean to do that. I'm relieved that they've stopped anyway.
I'm trying to figure this out too. Its been really tough. So far I think this, and let me know if you think I should go back to the drawing board.
One question I have to ask before I state my opinion, do you have any kids or anything to keep you seeing each other face to face frequently? This is important since I think DRing is easier when you have them, I have same feelings for my dog, but we will see how this takes hold.
During this time before true detachment and especially prior to filing papers is when the LBS has the greatest opportunity to demonstrate changes, lightheartedness, friendship, kindness, gentleness and concern. Get the WAS feeling and recognizing these things. It is ok if they are skeptical or fearful still. This is the time for the WAS to become attracted to us and liking us.
If the WAS still is skeptical or fearful and presses forward with the filing, then the LBS has some choices to make.
1 Still act the way above and still try and be their best friend. 2 Detach act as if LBS is moving forward, but still try and be their best friend 3 Detach act as if LBS is moving forward, and in actuality are but a little bit each day, and be friendly and lighthearted but more as an aquaintence friend if that 4 Go grey or pitch black
I right now think either 2 or 3 would be the best option. It would be really hard to do 2 as well as I don't think the vacum effect is as strong.
The guilt thing he is feeling with "not feeling you would want to talk with him" makes me think that 2 is a good option. It would be difficult for you but none of this is easy. I have seriously considered 2, I feel the same way about WAW, she feels so guilty and she is so weak (not a slam really) that she couldn't find the strength to initiate contact, that scared little bunny will never come out of the hole. Whereas I know I am stronger and more detached and I have the tools she is ignorant to acquire.
WOW! You've started quite a rich discussion, here, Wonder!!!
I like Seattle's options and I too believe option #2 or 3 is best in your sitch. That is what I have been trying to do too.......
I struggle with two things: 1. what does it REALLY look like to be "friends" with someone you once shared a bed, a home and a life with??
Like, do you talk every day (too much...) every other day...once a week, once a month??? Etc........
Do you really call every time you are thinking of the person (like you would with other friends...) or only when you have really thought it out. Do you play it cool and just return their calls?? Hmmmmmm...lots to think about..I just don't get it!!!
2. Why do I get the feeling that H is AFRAID to be around me too much? Does he not want to get too close to me or let his guard down?? Any one get that feeling from their WAS??
Wonder, I just don't understand how your H can go from no D to giving you papers. Can his fear of going back to the way things were really be that strong??
I think you are doing a great job of showing him your changes and making those changes for YOU!!!!
Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.... (thoreau)
Have you figured out why you got the papers? I sometimes think (from other threads) that they get scared. OR is it that in their heads they have to put an end to the previous R in order to start fresh?
All this thinking can make ones head hurt!
When you can't make a decision because you are torn between your heart and your head, listen to the half with the brain.
Quote: Do you really call every time you are thinking of the person (like you would with other friends...) or only when you have really thought it out. Do you play it cool and just return their calls?? Hmmmmmm...lots to think about..I just don't get it!!!
I guess my feeling is that you don't call them every time you're thinking of them, because they're not like other friends, your friendship doesn't have a friendship-style history, so you have to be a little more careful about when you call them. Does that make sense? Or I guess another way to put it is, don't call them every time you think of them, if you aren't thinking of them as a friend, but as -- as you put it, Sun -- as someone you shared a life and a bed with. OR, another way to put it, don't call them when you're not feeling detached and good about yourself. What do you all think?
Seattle, very interesting thoughts. We do not have kids. And H (well, lately OW) has our dog and has for some time.
I had been thinking along the lines of #4 until reading KAW's advice to marcd -- my H left initially because he said he was feeling neglected, unappreciated, alone, etc.
So, the advice was in THAT case you keep putting yourself out there and offering them unconditional love. Which after many missteps and trying to analyze my H to death and dealing with my own pain in a healthy way, I started to do. I did this all last year and he kept wanting to come home. March. April. July. August. November.
I suspect there is big OW withdrawal and grief and I get the sense my H does NOT think he should feel that... because then there must be something wrong with us if those feelings take a while to dissipate. I get this impression from him a lot and only recently was able to make sense of it.
So... perhaps #2 or #3 really is the best option, even if it's not much of a 180. It is consistency in who I am and willingness to adapt (180 on the no friends if there is D thing).
I like your thought process here. It makes sense.
SS, I'm not sure what it looks like either to be friends with someone in this sitch. When is it "OK" to call, etc.
I do feel like for a long time H was initiating efforts to be my friend (while living with and carrying on with OW). Especially after having an argument with me, he'd send me stuff via email. I rebuffed most of these attempts and said I was not interested in that, too painful. Yes, I do see how dumb that was-- now.
He stopped them and he creeped more forward, then did the alien runaway thing as we got too close.
I don't at all get the sense that he truly wants me OUT of his life in every sense. Not at all. But what if it's cake-eating? Maybe I am afraid of that.
SS, my C thinks the D papers are more of getting too close and fear of failing and then having nothing at all, whereas right now at least he can have OW without any real work. And feels he must do something to "move forward with his life" (big phrase for him these days).
Maybe that is it-- I don't know. I really don't know what caused him to change his mind like that. Or to bring up stuff from the dark past again (the feelings that made him leave initially all this time later) or to decide to do this at my birthday time... the timing and things he said make me suspect it's more fear than clearing his head about things.
The timing near my birthday particularly--that's either being cluelessly self-absorbed or deliberately hurtful... and not the actions of someone making positive steps forward after some time to think and some C.
Quote: Why do I get the feeling that H is AFRAID to be around me too much? Does he not want to get too close to me or let his guard down?? Any one get that feeling from their WAS??
YES!!! I get this feeling a lot.
Quote: OR, another way to put it, don't call them when you're not feeling detached and good about yourself. What do you all think?
Once again... Azure hits it right on the head. I think you're onto something there. My H always seems to respond far better when I'm happy and confident when I call him.
Hi Wonder, Did you ever send him the email about how you felt about it when he gave you the papers? Have you heard from him at all since he gave them to you? Or are you dark right now?
I started my lists (in my journal) of good things that have happened since our S, and scary things I've done by myself.
I did send him the email. It was mostly about the way we'd talked that evening, particularly on the phone. I told him how it felt to me, I expressed my understanding of feelings he's shared, including being afraid, which I have also felt.
I confirmed that I had been consistent in preferring that we move forward together-- by dating, exploring, having fun together and giving ourselves the time we need-- but have not stood in the way of his decision-making.
I did also share at the end my feelings about being ambushed with D papers, nothing drawn out, just how I felt in one very simple sentence. Told him I hope it gives him what he needs and to let me know when he wanted to discuss our agreement and how he wanted to handle things.
I started and ended by thanking him for little things he's done lately for me that I genuinely appreciate-- offering advice about my cat not eating and also his opinion about something I'd been thinking about regarding our home.
Overall, I think it was a positive email, affirming of what he'd shared and also clearly expressing my feelings and taking my part of the responsibility for where I contributed to what I felt was difficulty in talking earlier.
Good discussion. I like the idea of only calling when feeling confident, Azure!
Hope the email helps you to feel better, Wonder. Remember, no expecations!
Please stop by, I got a response to my letter!!!
Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.... (thoreau)
