Still together but trying to save this

[Denver_2010]

Yes. That is what you need to decide.

And yeah, get rid of the little loving nicknames for now. Let her initiate contact, keep your responses short and to the point.

Denver, thank you so much for the advice. I told myself from the beginning that I believed in marriage, for better or worse. So for now I have the resolve to see this through.

I do have a curiosity about your story. As I said I read most of your posts. Am I correct in understanding that you and your W do not have a child together? I only ask because in a lot of the success stories on the forums that I read, reconciliation happens or is at least affected by the children in the equation. I wonder sometimes if it does hurt my chances that we do not have any children together. Maybe that makes it easier for her to cut ties. I know that is complete speculation and we aren't supposed to be trying to be mind readers. It was just something that I was thinking about. It is tough to get all of these thoughts out of my head no matter how hard I detach and GAL, which is going well by the way. I have supportive friends and family that I am reconnnecting with in the way I should have been for the last 3 years. Ironic that it took my wife leaving me to see the value in building and nurturing ALL of my relationships. next trip to the IC tomorrow to work on my anxiety some more. I think I am doing well so far. Still a lot of work to be done. I will update when I can.

If you are going to make the decision to stand for your M, do it for you. I don't believe that you will be sorry that you did it even if you don't save your M. I don't know how much of my story you have read. In May and half of June of this year, I believed that I was done. That I was moving on. I told my W that I wanted a D, I completed the paperwork, and gave it to my W. At first she agreed and said that she was ready for the big D as well.

At that point, I had been doing this for 16 months, give or take. I remember asking myself if I had wasted all of that time working towards something that looked to be a failure. My answer was that I had not wasted that time. I took stock of everything that I had learned. I knew that I could look myself in the mirror and say that I had done everything that I could to save my M. I looked at the pain that I had endured, everything that had happened in those 16 months... and I was still standing. It had not destroyed me.

It had made me stronger.

-----

My W and I do not have a child together. I have a daughter who lives with her mom in Alabama and my W has a son who lives with us.

I would put us in the middle of what you are talking about here. My SS missed me and wanted to still have me in his life. I have basically been his dad since he was 4, albeit not always a good one. So my W and I had that tie. But it wasn't the same as having a kid with her. For example, she really didn't encourage contact between SS and myself for the first 4-6 weeks of our separation. So I didn't see him, and sometimes didn't talk to him for days at a time. I'd be lying though if I told you that the tie with my SS did not eventually help me maintain a connection with my W.

I think not having kids together will make it more difficult. That is the truth. It will be easier for her to distance herself. That's not to say that it can't be done though. Either your W still has love for you in her heart or she doesn't. If she does have that flicker of flame still there, she will have to deal with it at some point. The question is whether or not you want to be there if that happens.

[PeteWyo]

If you are going to make the decision to stand for your M, do it for you. I don't believe that you will be sorry that you did it even if you don't save your M.

I don't think that I would be sorry for it either way either. I guess the thing that I struggle with is that this is potentially setting me up for more hurt down the line. I am willing to do that though for the peace of mind that I did try everything.

I remember asking myself if I had wasted all of that time working towards something that looked to be a failure. My answer was that I had not wasted that time. I took stock of everything that I had learned. I knew that I could look myself in the mirror and say that I had done everything that I could to save my M. I looked at the pain that I had endured, everything that had happened in those 16 months... and I was still standing. It had not destroyed me.

It had made me stronger.

That is good to hear, I'm glad that you were able to bring something positive out of this ordeal aside from getting your W back.

I'd be lying though if I told you that the tie with my SS did not eventually help me maintain a connection with my W.

I struggle here too. I can feel my W trying to distance herself from me and I have no real reason to interact with her other than cryptically answering her text messages every other day.

Update on the texts BTW, I responded to her about my parents by saying, "They are doing great, thanks!".

She responded back, "Good to hear, I know they probably hate me but I do hope they're doing good, they're great people. How are you doing?"

... fake it until you make it, right?

[PeteWyo]

I could use some suggestions on what to text her back on this one. I know my parents are upset but they really would forgive her if she came back, they told me that specifically. I don't want to not respond, what should I say???

[Denver_2010]

If you are going to make the decision to stand for your M, do it for you. I don't believe that you will be sorry that you did it even if you don't save your M.

I don't think that I would be sorry for it either way either. I guess the thing that I struggle with is that this is potentially setting me up for more hurt down the line. I am willing to do that though for the peace of mind that I did try everything.

I remember asking myself if I had wasted all of that time working towards something that looked to be a failure. My answer was that I had not wasted that time. I took stock of everything that I had learned. I knew that I could look myself in the mirror and say that I had done everything that I could to save my M. I looked at the pain that I had endured, everything that had happened in those 16 months... and I was still standing. It had not destroyed me.

It had made me stronger.

That is good to hear, I'm glad that you were able to bring something positive out of this ordeal aside from getting your W back.

I'd be lying though if I told you that the tie with my SS did not eventually help me maintain a connection with my W.

I struggle here too. I can feel my W trying to distance herself from me and I have no real reason to interact with her other than cryptically answering her text messages every other day.

Update on the texts BTW, I responded to her about my parents by saying, "They are doing great, thanks!".

She responded back, "Good to hear, I know they probably hate me but I do hope they're doing good, they're great people. How are you doing?"

... fake it until you make it, right?

"I'm doing really well Wife. Thanks for asking."

[PeteWyo]

Short and to the point, I like it. To clarify are you suggesting I use the word wife or to put her name in there?

[Denver_2010]

Use her name.

Yes. Everything should be short and to the point. But polite.

[Denver_2010]

And don't ask questions or say anything else opening the door to further conversation.

For now, let's see if she will begin to initiate the contact and if so, will she step it up on her own.

[PeteWyo]

Ok, here goes

[PeteWyo]

Ok so I got an almost immediate response,

"Good:) I'm really glad to hear that:)"

[Denver_2010]

Don't reply as there is nothing to reply to.