Riding the Bull

[Denver_2010]

Thanks FIO,

I know that it's all I can do about it. It's just that since we started getting closer a few week ago, I lost whatever little detachment I had and now I can feel every thing so much. She is starting to affect me intensely again and I'm struggling with this.

Last night, on my way back from the blues bar, I worked myself up into a fit of anger. Anger about how she says she's happy but how she doesn't see everyone she's hurting to achieve something she admits herself comes from within anyway.

I was angry because not only did she give up on us at the beginning, in 2010 when she started the EA, but again by staying in touch with OM through out the year I thought we were seriously working on thing and then to dump all that stuff on me about not being this or that when in the meantime, she'd already made up her mind.

I also feel anger because, even now, seeing how serious I am about saving our relationship and our family, she is again giving up on us by simply sticking to her fling instead of taking perhaps the last chance we have at saving this.

So much anger for all the lies and deception. Sure I might not have been the best of husbands but never in my life would I have put her through what she is putting me through now, and that consciously.

It leads to the question, why would I want to be back with this woman? Is she really as worth it as i thought she was? Or have I been deceived for the last 10 years?

By the time I got home last night, I couldn't see the road for the tears of rage, and of sadness that were filling my eyes.

This morning, I still feel ambivalent, but when in doubt keep doing what you do, so I wrapped that rope again around my wrist and straightened up, and I hope I can find the rhythm and match it again.

I agree with Chatter above. You need to remove yourself from your W's life. She needs to figure out if she misses having you. Not going to happen under the present circumstances.

You won't be able to do it this way for long either way Arsene. The anger that you expressed in the above post? It's only going to get worse. And who could blame you? Your W has an OM, yet she still clings to you in many ways... and you allow her to do so.