Riding the Bull

[Arsene]

Thanks FY,

I needed that reminder. I actually have that tidbit from Amy's story written in my note book under "Reasons why I'm standing for my marriage". Thanks for reminding me. You are right, I'm in control because I can always choose to get off the bull.

Now is not the day, though. Despite the thoughts I've had lately, I know I still love her and that she will always be worth what I'm doing now. The question is just how long I can keep doing it, and the answer is, one day at a time.

Thanks for the support.

[chatterbug]

I don't know why this depresses me. W just text me to say her mom called today and offered to buy her a small scooter on credit so W needs my electricity bill (I guess to show that she lives in a house as oppose to in a boarding house).

Not your problem.

Some are going to come along and say your an ass if you do not give that info.

She is the one being an ass.

Let her sort it out.

[Arsene]

Too late CB. It's done. She could have gotten it from any of her friends anyway so I might as well oblige instead of fighting it for the sake of fighting it.

In the end, it's no big deal to the sitch and it might mean I get to have the car parked here instead of at her boarding house. As we're at the beginning of the rainy season, I welcome that.

Besides, I feel better driving the car when going places with D8 rather than using the motorbike.

[chatterbug]

who said fighting.

Have you heard the expression.

"No, I am not comfortable doing that. "
Or

"No. I have decided that I will not do that."

[AlkalineThoughts]

Arsene... You know, Chatter's advice can be hard to hear sometimes (I know I struggle with the hard-line stance he takes on occasion) but I think it's at least worth considering here.

Now, you don't have to be combative about it... And Chatter talks in VERY DIRECT ways which work for some but not for others. Some need more sugar coating...

But that doesn't mean his concepts should be dismissed outright.

His first example of not being comfortable is not combative at ALL. It's simply stating a fact, setting or enforcing a PERSONAL boundary, and making a statement. Might it have upset her? Yeah, but you're not in the business of "Not upsetting her" anymore... You're in the business of improving YOU and working toward a renewed M!

Now his second sentence was much more "direct", but you don't have to use it word for word if you're not comfortable and would rather remove a bit of the edge.

For instance, instead of "No. I have decided that I will not do that", and with the knowledge that she could have gotten it from any of her friends anyway, why not just ask her if there's someone else she could get it from? It's not as strong a statement, but it still gets the point across.

These things are to PROTECT you.

[Arsene]

You guys may be right but as I said, it's already done so no point rehashing it. I do see what you are saying, and that value in it, it's just that I'd rather keep that for things which are IMO more important. I'm just choosing my battles carefully.

Thanks for your advice.

[chatterbug]

Your wife fired you as a husband.

Now you are a volun-told husband. On one persons notice when it is convenient for her and on her needs. Minus the benefits of a healthy relationship.

I wonder how long she would listen to you calling her and talking about your financial, immigration, raising a child as basically a single parent, adultery and its health ramifications. Asking for stuff with no heads up. Asking her to support your transformation and support you in what you need to do to make you happy..... mention random problems and expect her to solve them for you.

How long do you think she would listen to you?


See the point a few of us is trying to get across to you is that you were fired as a husband.

Let her experience that choice and let her have the freedom to decide if she actually misses you in that role. Let her have the chance to see if she would like to be your wife down the road again in a marriage that is equal. Some where along the line the concept changed from Our happiness and well being to her happiness and well being. You have placed yourself in a position where if she came back tomorrow you would be back in the exact same spot when ever she feels you no longer fuel her happiness.

Harsh.

You bet.

This is what you are teaching her with your actions.

You have mistaken her niceness for progress in your relationship.

You can be a loving , friendly , respectful, detached father of D8 with healthy boundaries and a tough love stance towards the adultery.

Why not try it for a month or two and see what happens?

[chatterbug]

You guys may be right but as I said, it's already done so no point rehashing it. I do see what you are saying, and that value in it, it's just that I'd rather keep that for things which are IMO more important. I'm just choosing my battles carefully.

Thanks for your advice.

Were talking about a concept here Arsene.

[Starsky309]

Your wife fired you as a husband.

Now you are a volun-told husband. On one persons notice when it is convenient for her and on her needs. Minus the benefits of a healthy relationship.

I wonder how long she would listen to you calling her and talking about your financial, immigration, raising a child as basically a single parent, adultery and its health ramifications. Asking for stuff with no heads up. Asking her to support your transformation and support you in what you need to do to make you happy..... mention random problems and expect her to solve them for you.

How long do you think she would listen to you?


See the point a few of us is trying to get across to you is that you were fired as a husband.

Let her experience that choice and let her have the freedom to decide if she actually misses you in that role. Let her have the chance to see if she would like to be your wife down the road again in a marriage that is equal. Some where along the line the concept changed from Our happiness and well being to her happiness and well being. You have placed yourself in a position where if she came back tomorrow you would be back in the exact same spot when ever she feels you no longer fuel her happiness.

Harsh.

You bet.

This is what you are teaching her with your actions.

You have mistaken her niceness for progress in your relationship.

You can be a loving , friendly , respectful, detached father of D8 with healthy boundaries and a tough love stance towards the adultery.

Why not try it for a month or two and see what happens?

Starsky

[Denver_2010]

Thanks FIO,

I know that it's all I can do about it. It's just that since we started getting closer a few week ago, I lost whatever little detachment I had and now I can feel every thing so much. She is starting to affect me intensely again and I'm struggling with this.

Last night, on my way back from the blues bar, I worked myself up into a fit of anger. Anger about how she says she's happy but how she doesn't see everyone she's hurting to achieve something she admits herself comes from within anyway.

I was angry because not only did she give up on us at the beginning, in 2010 when she started the EA, but again by staying in touch with OM through out the year I thought we were seriously working on thing and then to dump all that stuff on me about not being this or that when in the meantime, she'd already made up her mind.

I also feel anger because, even now, seeing how serious I am about saving our relationship and our family, she is again giving up on us by simply sticking to her fling instead of taking perhaps the last chance we have at saving this.

So much anger for all the lies and deception. Sure I might not have been the best of husbands but never in my life would I have put her through what she is putting me through now, and that consciously.

It leads to the question, why would I want to be back with this woman? Is she really as worth it as i thought she was? Or have I been deceived for the last 10 years?

By the time I got home last night, I couldn't see the road for the tears of rage, and of sadness that were filling my eyes.

This morning, I still feel ambivalent, but when in doubt keep doing what you do, so I wrapped that rope again around my wrist and straightened up, and I hope I can find the rhythm and match it again.

I agree with Chatter above. You need to remove yourself from your W's life. She needs to figure out if she misses having you. Not going to happen under the present circumstances.

You won't be able to do it this way for long either way Arsene. The anger that you expressed in the above post? It's only going to get worse. And who could blame you? Your W has an OM, yet she still clings to you in many ways... and you allow her to do so.