I am afraid of losing her because I created a world in which she was the most important person in my life. I worked my azz off to put her in front of every personal need I might have. I have asked myself this question several times, and I've come to the conclusion of the way I was rised, and the belief of one partner for life.
10 yrs ago, I promised her I will die old by her side, and always be present to protect her until the date one of us will be gone to meet our Maker.
This is where my up-bringing comes to play. I was raised by my Grandparents, and as you know in hispanic culture family always comes first. My Papa was a great man and I am not saying this because he is my grandpa, but because he was a man who can "talk the talk, and walk the walk". I have always looked up to his teachings and the way he was, once I asked him what my Mama meant to him. He was 70 yrs old when I ask him that question, and he said: "She is the love of my life, the woman the Lord gave me, and the woman the Lord put in my life to give me a family". I have always come back to this answer when I see my W, She is the love of my life, the woman the Lord gave, and the woman He put in my life to give me a family."
I am afraid to lose her because I do not know how to function without my family. I have the need to protect them, to always patch their way without them having to struggle. I am afraid of letting go, because they will struggle, and I feel guilty because of the promise I made. This is where I differ from my Papa, he really knew his role as man, as parent, and as where his boundaries to guide us was. This is why I say he could talk the talk, and walk the walk, many times he was there to protect us, to reprimend us and most important of all to allow us to make our own decisions and mistakes and with our own tools build our character and personal growth.
I, in the other hand, got stuck in wanting to do everything for my family, and now that I see my family far off, I feel desperate.
I was 26 yrs old, she was 32 when we met, I honestly did not know what I was promising until I started to know the Lord on a personal level, at this point I realized what that promise was. As I posted on Grateful, we not always decide what is right because of what might cost us, and that is the reason I never married her, but now I am living with the pain of not doing the right thing, all this internal struggles of letting go of her is really painful, and by far outweights the price I have to pay for doing the right thing. In this case, I know I have to detach, move on to fix myself, and that is the right thing to do, I am just too afraid of doing what is right because of the price I have to pay. In my case the fear of losing the woman I love, yet again, IS SHE MINE TO LOSE? The right thing is just to let her go, for now.
I mentioned before that I pray for a miracle, and that this prayer was answered. I prayed for a specific sign that my family will be restored, and I received that specific sign. Days passed by and I started doubting and believing it was just a coincidence. I was driving home, and I asked the Lord to give that same sign at that very moment, and as soon as I finished asking for it, it was right in front of me. I do believe in the power of prayers and believe my family will be restored. It will be in the Lord's time not in mine, but now I am understading that this time, He is allowing me to fix myself with Him, otherwise what am I going to offer my family? A loser? A man without spirit? No, it is not what the Lord and I want.
It still hurts seen my W behaving the way she has because as you said it before, I am trying so hard to make her change her ways, but is not up to me is to His time. This is where patience and self control has to come into play. Eric, this are some and more answers inside of me, which I already know. Why don't I put them into practice? I left my cojones in my W's purse, LOL..
Eric, if many other disagree with you, I do not.
I do not who Alain really is
I do not know who Alain is outside of his Partner
I am scared to face that other than her, what else I have?
I have my self
I have my boys
I have my 4 Moms (Granda, Mom, Aunt, and SMom)
I have my Papa (past away 10 years ago, months after I met my W)
I have my Dad (biological)
I have my brothers and sisters
I have my cousins
I have my aunts
I have my nephews and nieces
I have my health
I have my work
I have a place to call home
I have a car to drive
I have a church I can call home
And most important of all, I have the Lord.
Thanks, Eric I feel you are here next to me with your hand holding my shoulder.. I appreciate it brother, more than you can imagine. There is many ways the Lord shows his mercy, and your are one of them..
