Separating Inevitable

[littleGTO]

Thanks, eyesopen & AnotherStander,

I apprepriate your feedback.

I wonder if I will actually be STRONGER when he leaves /not as emotional around him, as I tend to get weepy in the evenings and at night and won't be around him then. I'm not sure. I just hope I don't "cave" and call him. I'm actually hoping he will call me...but I know I shouldn't have any expectations.

My H is dealing w his mother's recent passing from cancer. We both believe his unhappiness stemmed from her getting sick. I tend to get the "winter blues" and this was when he needed me last Jan & I'm sure I was not in a place to be there for him emotionally.

Regardless, he is seeing a new C today (after only a few brief C sessions this summer after he dropped the B & told me about OW). He discontinued b/c the C was really focused in on his childhood and he felt he was spinning his wheels going nowhere fast. I am HOPEFUL that this new C will help him think about his problems and his values eventually.

I know this is a long journey.

AnotherStander, when you said I shouldn't look weak and needy, I agree, but in actuallity, it is when the wall breaks down a bit and he is open to "comforting" me (w hugs/cuddling sometimes). He responds to ME and is the ONLY time he is NOT selfish (a bit, anyway). So, I don't cry b/c to create the closeness, but my emotions are so on the surface right now that I can't seem to help it.

I thought I was a much stronger person...I don't think my kids EVER so me cry before all this started. Now, they've seen me upset several times...I feel so weak, and that feels so foreign and out-of-control for me.

[AnotherStander]

I wonder if I will actually be STRONGER when he leaves /not as emotional around him, as I tend to get weepy in the evenings and at night and won't be around him then.

Separation did make it easier for me to detach and get my emotions under control. The first week was rough, but it's been getting better and better since then.

My H is dealing w his mother's recent passing from cancer. We both believe his unhappiness stemmed from her getting sick.

It may have been a trigger. He was probably unhappy in the M, but this could have been the thing that reminded him that we don't live forever and spurred him to take action.

He discontinued b/c the C was really focused in on his childhood and he felt he was spinning his wheels going nowhere fast.

Yeah, that's the old school approach and especially when it comes to marital issues it just doesn't work. But don't have any expectations, it's unlikely a new IC will produce any sudden turnaround. If he has no goal to save the M then the IC will not push him to do that.

AnotherStander, when you said I shouldn't look weak and needy, I agree, but in actuallity, it is when the wall breaks down a bit and he is open to "comforting" me (w hugs/cuddling sometimes).

I understand that it makes you feel better, but it is probably coming from pity on his side. He feels sorry for you because he knows he's the one that's causing you this pain, so he steps in now and then to comfort you. Unfortunately that's no indication that you're growing closer or that he's changing his mind about the M.

I thought I was a much stronger person...I don't think my kids EVER so me cry before all this started. Now, they've seen me upset several times...I feel so weak, and that feels so foreign and out-of-control for me.

I can so relate to this, I too never in a million years would have thought BD could impact me like it did. Frankly there were times when I fantasized about getting out of my M. I never considered actually doing it, but there were times when I thought if my W pursued it I wouldn't stop it. But once it did happen I was brought to a low, ugly place I never would have thought possible. It was horrible. But it does get better. I can tell you this with confidence because I was there! Give it time. When you emerge you'll realize you are much stronger than you've ever given yourself credit for.

[littleGTO]

AnotherStander,

Thanks for perspective on what's going on in my sitch and maybe WHY. I agree that the hugs/cuddling are definitely due to his feeling badly for causing me such grief. None-the-less it is hard for me not to give in to his comforting...although there will be less/no real opportunities for this when he moves out.

I'm glad to hear there is light "on the other side," and that things will get better/easier after we adjust to our new living sitch.

Question- should we get into family C right away to help the transition or wait until one of the boys shows a need? I'm concerned even before we tell them. My middle son is very emotional & may "act out," but I am more worried about my S13 who is pretty quiet and doesn't share his feelings much (going through early teen normalcy).

My H and I have talked A LOT since the BD in June--about his feelings, his confusion, his need to move out, etc. I am scared that he will shut me out and I will not have any way to guage what he is thinking. Plus, the whole OW at work (talking) is a mystery to me and not knowing where his head is about things is very hard.

[littleGTO]

Here's what I am struggling with...the whole detaching thing when H moves out soon.

One of his "complaints" was that he didn't feel "needed" by me or the boys. He feels as he was only needed for chauffering, housework/yardwork, and keeping everyone on schedule (which he also says he didn't like).

When I am upset, I NEED him. I think that not only does it take away some of his guilt, but also fulfills his desire to be NEEDED.

If I detach then won't he perceive that I won't NEED him?

I don't want to pretend I don't feel I certain way when I do. HOWEVER, I Do want the best possible outcome for our sitch.

[AnotherStander]

Question- should we get into family C right away to help the transition or wait until one of the boys shows a need?

I would wait until you talk to them about the S and see how they respond. Also check in with their teachers and let them know (in basic terms) what's going on and ask them to tell you if they see any behavioral changes. Most schools have a counselor on staff, talk to the counselor and ask about having your kids talk to them. This will help you gauge if IC is needed.

My H and I have talked A LOT since the BD in June--about his feelings, his confusion, his need to move out, etc.

That's good, how have you been responding? Hopefully you've been working on being a good listener and on validating his emotions. Don't argue or try to reason with him, just listen and validate.

I am scared that he will shut me out and I will not have any way to guage what he is thinking.

You don't have any way to gauge what he's thinking no matter what, even he doesn't know what he's thinking. Emotions are running the show and logic and reason are on vacation. You can't figure him out and you shouldn't try to. Work on the one thing you have control over- YOU.

One of his "complaints" was that he didn't feel "needed" by me or the boys. He feels as he was only needed for chauffering, housework/yardwork, and keeping everyone on schedule (which he also says he didn't like).

First, you need to come to the realization that you do not need him. This is what DBing will help you to do. You will survive and thrive with or without him. Now maybe you WANT him, that's fine and healthy. But you do not NEED him. Now, I think what he's really saying (and boy can I relate) is that he felt like the family took him for granted. He's basically saying his love tank is empty. Me too, I've done so much for my family for so long and sacrificed much of what I wanted in the process, and I rarely got thanked or affirmed for it. My love tank is empty too. Have you read the 5 Love Languages? If not then do so, it'll help you understand what he's really saying.

If I detach then won't he perceive that I won't NEED him?

There's so much misunderstanding around here of what detaching is. It is not acting cold and indifferent. It is about giving your H space and time. It is about stepping back, but remaining available. If he wants to talk then you're there. If he doesn't you stay back. Believe me, he knows you want to save the M. You don't have to say or do things to remind him. Maybe a few months after S, but not now.

[littleGTO]

AnotherStander,
I think you should join Michele's team as one of their C's! You offer so much good advice to ALL of us here. I always look for your responses to other's sitch too.

I have read the 5 LL, but only after BD--realizing I was NOT speaking his 2 LL- WoA and Physical. Since then I've 180ed on the WoA (not overload, just when it feels natural) and nothing I can do about the phys (except an occasional touch on the shoulder or hug if accepted or asked for).

I DO think I am learning to be a better listener, but know that I have a ways to go, as I'm always thinking about the next thing I want to say vs. just listening. I have gotten better about NOT responding too quickly and NOT trying to counter what he says.

About the not being needed thing...would it be okay if I had my boys write/draw about the things they like/need about their dad to give to him to have when he moves out? I really think he DOESN'T feel like they NEED him...because functionaly they are old enough to do things for themselves, but it they are in CRITICAL SELF-IDENTITY-FORMING times of their lives. THESE are the days/years they will remember (not when they were babies or toddlers). How does he REALIZE this otherwise?

[MrBond]

"About the not being needed thing...would it be okay if I had my boys write/draw about the things they like/need about their dad to give to him to have when he moves out?"

No because that's being controlling on your part. You're (even if it's unconsciously) trying to get a reaction out of him. Which you wont. He has to miss this in order for him to want it.

[eyesopen]

I agree with Mr. Bond.

It goes back to the saying "you don't know what you got til its gone." It may seem childish to think that they have to miss us to get them to want to come back. Really when you think about, we are all here because we didn't know what we had til it was gone. Now we miss them so we do what we can, give them time and space, work on ourselves, so that if we do get that chance we won't take it for granted. We will know everyday what we have.

[littleGTO]

How will he miss "us/me" if his emotional needs are being met from OW?

OW has own 2 young children and has filed for D. Soon she will be completely available to my H (as she still lives w her H). I'm scared that my H will find this timing in his favor of her "needing him." After all he seems to be her knight in shining armor (apparently her H was verbally abusive for years).

I don't see how jumping from our family to a whole new family will fulfill his need to "find himself" and to get away from some of the things he has claimed to be unhappy with--family demands and schedules, homework, housework, etc.

Here's a question I have that I'm wondering about...if this is about being unhappy (presumable with our M) then WHY it is he has also detached from his own boys and seems unhappy with being a dad too?

ANother question--my H has been concerned he hasn't grieved his mom really since her death 2 months ago. His new C said that he may have grieved her enough while she was really sick this summer and maybe he didn't have the NEED any more.

His parents gave him the advice to cut off communication w OW and try to save his M/go back to his family. He was somewhat close to his mom...I find it hard to believe he would be at peace having a life w OW knowing it was not his mom's final wish. Although she did say she wanted him to be happy...so he may interpret this to mean no matter what his decision.

One more thing...the sexual email he sent to OW that spurred her H to storm into our driveway and pound on our door...OW's H showed it to HER parents, so I can't imagine what they think of my H---definitely not future in-law material, I wouldn't think. Not to mention the nightmare he will live if he is in her life & has to deal with her soon-to-be EX in encounters in the future.

One final/constant thought on my mind--when he send the "open emails to her" (the day of that he stopped outside of work comm w her) he said to her/read to me, "My feelings for you have not changed- I still love you. ANd, no, I'm not in love with my wife." H looked and me and said, "I'm sorry, it's true. There's just something missing now." That hurts me to the core.

I have to keep in mind what you said, Another Stander:
"Emotions are running the show and logic and reason are on vacation." So no matter how I try to justify why he SHOULDN'T be with / choose OW it is not necessarily how he's thinking.

[MrBond]

Here's the answer to all of the questions you had above.

"It doesn't matter why".

The point is that in his mind he may not even know what he's doing. And I can guarantee you that if you demand an answer from him, he's going to change from one reason to another and then ultimately say that YOU are the reason why he's doing all of this.

He doesn't want to take any responsibility for his choices so he blames others. He won't talk or get involved with his own kids because he's ashamed. period. It's not that he thinks life with the OW is better, he just feels that if he doesn't have to face you and the kids, then he doesn't have to feel like a failure to himself. It's called conflict avoidance.

The ONLY thing you need to do is make yourself strong physically, mentally and spiritually. Right now your kids need you to take the place of both parents. YOU need to be the strong one to carry on and not let your H walk all over you. His "rescuing" the OW won't last especially when her H starts getting involved. Start really cutting him off like he asked so he doesn't see you as a "fall back" plan.