Hi pulpwood. Im sorry her transfer didnt work out, that would have been the best situation.
I think you have done very well so far, but I really, really want to warn you about discussing, or even entertaining the notion of returning without your son.
That would be sacrificing both you and your son, for what? For her job, her new lifestyle. How has sacrificing for her gone for you. You sacrificed a lot so your wife could move and have her new job. How did she repay you once she was at that job? Sacrificing your location for her job is one thing, its a whole other thing to sacrifice your son for her job. Sacrificing might help you avoid feelings of conflict or guilt for now. Small comfort if you are paying support through your nose for 14 years and your son is calling her boyfriend de jour "dad".
If this is not what you want, then you have a choice; 1) you stay where you are in the status quo or 2) you take your son back home with you. This obviously will mean a custody fight. This will not be pleasant, but I really think you are in a good situation to succeed if that is what you choose to do.
I do caution you not to shoot yourself in the foot by making a huge mistake.
One huge mistake would be discussing or considering verbally, or heaven forbid, in writing (even texting/emailing) that you are OK with leaving your son. You do that then she has some serious ammo and probably can win. If you have already done this, then you need to immediately make it clear, and documented, that you will not give up more than 50% custody no matter what. If it starts a fight with your wife....at this point....so what.
Another mistake is letting her file custody in her state (state 3) before you. Judges will almost always side with status quo, and they like to keep kids close rather than send them out of state. If you are still in state 2, and your wife files custody in state 3, then you will be playing defense in state 3. If you file custody in state 1, then she is on the defensive in state 1. And you have a million advantages in state 1. Its far better if you guys can work out custody yourselves and avoid this mess, but make sure you dont get caught flat footed with her filing in state 3 when you are still in state 2. She already told you show would file for custody, I would take that at face value.
I suggest you slow down on the moving talk with her until you make a decision, and have undertaken all actions needed to fulfill your decision.
If you want to stay put, then I guess there isnt really anything to do. If you want to go home, then you need to shop around for lawyers in state 1, interview several and search for fathers' rights specialists. Get things set up back there. Get a support network there.
Pushing her now will get her to file custody in state 3 before you are ready, so you need to stop pushing her, and get yourself ready.
