I had one or two conversations with W within the last week. It was the first time in almost 5 months. It was time to take the temperature, so to speak. By doing so I might have given the impression I am “on the shelf.” I don’t regret having the dialog with her. I believe it sent her running a bit.
I don't know what that^^^ last part means...
It means I FINALLY made an overture to W for the first time in quite a while. I briefly told her how I felt about us. It was the first time in 5 months I told my W I love her, I am married and behaving as such, I am going to fight for her. She needed to hear it from me. It was time, she had no idea where I stood. I don’t know if it sent her running, it surely made her to reassess things between us. It was due to the distance between us, she thought I had moved on. I hope this gives you a bit more clarity?
25, I sincerely appreciate your time, effort and insight. I need to be called out on this stuff, I really do. Your talking to me about the foundation of what I need to do to rebuild myself, don’t you think? I know I have A LOT of work to do and your sheding light on it, which I appreciate. I know I don’t catch some of the things you guys see. Saying you’re critical is an understatement but I need the help, I need to wrap my arms around all this stuff.
Your right, I am changing in the wind. I am confused, hurt, mad, lonely, what else can I ad? I am holding up the best I can. I am struggeling with my new life, I am not used to it and I don’t handle the change well but I have to deal with it. I read AT and Carnac’s posts and I am so happy for them, while they don’t have their W’s back yet, I think to myself, dang, these guys have it together! Don’t get me wrong, this isnt a competion but it goes to show all the improvements I need to make. I wish it was easier for me to make these changes, I wish they came natural to me, I wish they were easy for me to make, but there not, ok.
You might not see it 25 but I AM TRYING VERY HARD.
On a side note, I believe you commented on my lack luster writing skills. Sometimes I just come here to write 25. I am not necessarily seeking the approval of others. As I've said before, I am perfectly imperfect. Yes, I really appreciate the feedback but I like to write out my thoughts, it helps me out, it’s journaling. I know my writing is far from perfect. Sh!t you think this is bad, my writing is ten times better then a year ago, that’s for sure. I've done a ton of writing on this forum and that's forced me to improve my writing, even though it might not be evident.
Some people are very methodical writers, maybe I should be? As you can tell, I just let my thoughts flow. I feel I am good at expressing myself, I might be all over the place but the fact is, I am at times.
I have a great future ahead of me. Things can only get better from here but I know I cant get through this alone 25, you even said at the end of your last post that I am not alone. If I want helpful feedback I need to be honest with you and with myself, that’s important. I think you and the other fine people on this forum can see the genuine me and that’s what I want. Enough for now, take care.
Rough
___________________________ Me:38 W:43 Together: 15 Married: 11 D:5 S:8 W wanted separation 5/5/12 Stopped living together 5/5/12
Rough: Trust me when I tell you that I dont have anything 'together', its a daily struggle to be positive. I think that i win the struggle more than i lose it lately, but I think like anyone else I have wanted to give up more than once.
Just for the record, im alot like you I think...I've spent my life not liking change....it makes me uncomfortable. And im TERRIBLE at being alone, I've been with my wife for 15 years...i've basically been 'in relationships' for the last 20+ years. Is it good for me to learn to be alone...probably so but it dang sure doesn't mean I like it. And the last few days have been wonderful for me....but the anxiety I feel while of a different sort is still much like the anxiety I had in the beginning...im having trouble concentrating at work....i bet i've checked this place 20 times today to see if anyone has posted in my thread...im having trouble sleeping again...i've been up the last two days an hour before my alarm goes off.
Its scary, and even more scary when you make that overture. I remember friends telling me for at least a month that I needed to try to have a talk with my wife....but I was scared to death to have a talk with her....it was actually easier to be ignored and avoided than it was to try to talk to her and be rejected. If you felt it was time to make that overture then it certainly was time....same as when you decide to give up....if you decide its time to quit standing then that is when you quit standing. Keep your head up this is not easy, and it is a credit to you that your willing to continue fighting for your marriage.
I apologize for being a little behind, but what have you done or are you doing to change you? Your wife loved you enough to marry you...why did she fall for you then and what is different now? These are the things you have to explore...for me I started taking myself and life in general way to seriously and forgot to smile and have fun. I forgot to be her friend first....and perhaps most importantly I didnt bother to ask her how she wanted to be loved. I dont know if I read it here or elsewhere b/c i've read so many things in the last few months but this statement made such a profound impact on me........the golden rule says to do unto others as you would have them do unto you....but thats not how it works in marriage....you have to do unto others the way they want to be done unto.
I hope that makes sense....I kind of butchered it I think but it makes sense in my head. LOL The point is that I tried to love my wife the way that I wanted to be loved.....my love languages if you will are words of affirmation and affection so its a huge deal to me for someone to say 'I love you' to me...so I made sure that I always said I love you to her multiple times daily....problem is her love language is more in tune with acts of service....doing something to lighten her burden if you will...and I didnt do that at all. Anyway, just something else to think about because as much as your focus is on 'getting your wife back' if you don't use this time to delve into the why's and how's then it won't matter in the long run because you'll end up in the same situation again down the road.
Your right, I am changing in the wind. I am confused, hurt, mad, lonely, what else can I ad? I am holding up the best I can. I am struggeling with my new life, I am not used to it and I don’t handle the change well but I have to deal with it. I read AT and Carnac’s posts and I am so happy for them, while they don’t have their W’s back yet, I think to myself, dang, these guys have it together! Don’t get me wrong, this isnt a competion but it goes to show all the improvements I need to make. I wish it was easier for me to make these changes, I wish they came natural to me, I wish they were easy for me to make, but there not, ok.
Rough... Look brother... We're all messes at one point or another. I mean, I read over some of my older threads and posts on occasion and see just how crazy bi-polar I seem at times.
Sometimes, we just need to vent here. Sometimes, we just need to write things out to see how they look once they're out there, or even to play devil's advocates toward ourselves.
I think we all get that.
And we ALL have either been on, or are currently on, these crazy roller coasters.
While I appreciate your words about me having it together... Well Rough, I can't make that proclamation myself. While I feel like I'm making steady progress, I have PLENTY of bad days, bad times, and backslides that remind me of how far I need to go.
I've been terrible at detaching. I'm terrible with my predilection to mind-read and over analyze every situation that's presented in my sitch.
But I recognize these things, and I AM actively trying hard to get "back to basics" so to speak... Get back to GALing, Working out more regularly (6 days a week, no more 2-3 like I've slipped into these last couple weeks), 180s, and just becoming a better person.
My motivation for that definitely lies heavily in the "Want to get back together with W" camp, which isn't necessarily the proper mindset to have, but I also definitely want to better myself FOR myself as well... More now than even a few months ago.
Most of these changes AREN'T easy to make... I still hate getting up so early in the morning to hit the gym, but it makes me feel better for the rest of the day. I still HATE coming home to an empty house and thinking about W right away, but I'm figuring out new things every day to stay occupied. I hate to be alone, but I'm learning to love the person I'm with when no one else is around.
All these things... You've got them inside you too. You wouldn't be here, pouring out your heart, fighting against seemingly insurmountable odds, picking yourself back up and soldering on day after day after day if you didn't.
25 is helping you there. We all need someone to hold a mirror to us in these situations, no matter how vile the reflection can be. And her advice and guidance is invaluable. You're lucky to have her following along on your threads.
Originally Posted By: roughenough
On a side note, I believe you commented on my lack luster writing skills. Sometimes I just come here to write 25. I am not necessarily seeking the approval of others. As I've said before, I am perfectly imperfect. Yes, I really appreciate the feedback but I like to write out my thoughts, it helps me out, it’s journaling. I know my writing is far from perfect. Sh!t you think this is bad, my writing is ten times better then a year ago, that’s for sure. I've done a ton of writing on this forum and that's forced me to improve my writing, even though it might not be evident.
Rough, I wouldn't take the writing skills thing too hard. Hell, I write for a living, but on this forum, I'm never at my best.
Have you seen how many damn ellipsis I use?... My editors would positively murder me if they saw that!
I often come to these boards when my head is spinning with half-baked thoughts, inward-facing aggression, or just out-and-out confusion. And that shows up on some of my posts.
Chatter even commented recently about my discombobulated posts of late... and re-reading them I realize he was right. However, I know that I mind-dump here from time to time... I know that I don't fully flesh out some of my thoughts or situations on occasion... and I know I've had a few too many and posted here a couple times too! But even those posts are very helpful, as they help clarify my confusion a day or two later, even if no one responds. And when someone does respond to ask for clarification, well that's even better!
Originally Posted By: roughenough
Some people are very methodical writers, maybe I should be? As you can tell, I just let my thoughts flow. I feel I am good at expressing myself, I might be all over the place but the fact is, I am at times.
There are times for methodical writing and times for total stream-of-conscience writing.
Originally Posted By: roughenough
I have a great future ahead of me. Things can only get better from here but I know I cant get through this alone 25, you even said at the end of your last post that I am not alone. If I want helpful feedback I need to be honest with you and with myself, that’s important. I think you and the other fine people on this forum can see the genuine me and that’s what I want. Enough for now, take care.
Rough
You're not alone Rough, no matter how lonely you feel at times. Know we're all here to give you advice or a 2x4 whenever you need it. I KNOW how grateful I am for all the help that's offered via these boards, and I know you are too.
Keep an open mind on the advice you receive. There's much wisdom to be learned in our mistakes and during confusing times.
[quote=roughenough]Your right, I am changing in the wind. I am confused, hurt, mad, lonely, what else can I ad? I am holding up the best I can. I am struggeling with my new life, I am not used to it and I don’t handle the change well but I have to deal with it. I read AT and Carnac’s posts and I am so happy for them, while they don’t have their W’s back yet, I think to myself, dang, these guys have it together! Don’t get me wrong, this isnt a competion but it goes to show all the improvements I need to make. I wish it was easier for me to make these changes, I wish they came natural to me, I wish they were easy for me to make, but there not, ok.
I hope that you realize that this situation alone can make you very angry, very depressed, make you exhibit bi-polar type behavior. The stress can give you a heart attack or speed up conditions leading to epilipsy and other serious diseases.
You are getting GREAT advice above. Carnac, Arsene, AT, 25... I wouldn't disagree with a single thing that they said.
25MLC tells it like it is. I know just how frustrating that can be. She hit me hard multiple times. Sometimes she p!ssed me off, but her advice was always solid. While there were many who helped me along the way, I would say that 25 was right up there with those that I needed the most. She offered something that not many others can. She offered the perspective of a woman who had successfully saved her M. She offered the perspective of someone who had to DB for almost 2 years (maybe longer, I don't remember). She offered the perspective of someone who went through all of the stages that one can go through while standing for the M under dire circumstances.
She was tough, but she challenged me.
I think that what we want when we first come here is for someone to hug us and to tell us that it is all going to be okay. That only goes so far. What we NEED is for someone to tell us what we can do to help ourselves. That is what 25, and others, offer. And that's what I strive to do these days.
----
But with that said man... I'm going to give you a man hug here. LOL
I know exactly where you are emotionally right now. Your W's email was a let down and, it has you scared. I get it. I really do. I went through this experience, oh, I don't know, half a dozen times. That feeling like maybe things are looking up and maybe I see a light at the end of the tunnel, to having that feeling crushed, and having to face the fact that i was no where close to the end.
I get it. You are hurt, frustrated, and afraid that this is it for your M.
You will get through it though. I promise. And each time that it happens, it will get easier, less painful. Because you will learn that none of it is permanent... that it is not going to kill you... that you ARE going to be okay regardless. We can say these things to you, to ourselves, to everyone else, as much as we want, til we're blue in the face... but until it really settles into your head and heart, it doesn't seem true. But I will say it again... you are going to be good Rough. Regardless.
So for now... allow yourself to experience all of these feelings. There is no way through pain, but through it. There is no way around it and no short cut through it. You can build a wall around your heart to protect yourself from it, but I promise you that that is no way to live.
Allow yourself to go through it. Cry, yell, go beat a punching bag, go lift some weights, lie in bed all day for a weekend, whatever you need to do. Just allow yourself to go through it.
Then you decide what you want to do from here... and we reassess your situation.
Dust your pants off, get up, and keep moving forward.
Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Hey AT and Carnac, you guys are awesome!!! Thank you for being here for me. I also need to read the post that just came through by Denver. I think we all relate in so many ways and you guys are often in my thoughts. I am processing the meaningful posts from the both of you and 25. She can make a grown man cry
I do feel like I am in a hellish place right now. Ive been going through this stage where I really miss my W, more then usual. I will work through it though, someway, somehow--- ----- I used to receive brief texts and emails from W and those have stopped. Enough of this for now because there’s no need to have the focus on W. It’s just something I’ve noticed, that’s all. ------
I'am becoming as nervous as a hooker in church when replying to W’s texts, especially after AT’s recent posts. [/b]
Rough, look at this^^^!!! Your words & thoughts and feelings are all over the place. Whatever she says or does NOT say, or does not text...OMG learn to detach...each emotion passes by, you grip it and hold onto it til the next one stops by. Know this----- Where the head goes, the heart will follow.
Which means you have to Start thinking straight.
You're obsessing, you sound so pre-occupied I cannot imagine how you are concentrating at work or with the children...are you "there" for them? IS it really fair for you to keep going this way and Not get any help?
Please, settle down. Remember another quote of YOURS here...
I need to remember that life's to short and we can't predict the future. I need to make the most of what I've got, easier said than done sometimes. ---- Well said! THAT^^^^ Is your mantra!...Make it yours - b/c the words are!
Yes, my words, thoughts and feelings are all over the place 25. My head goes to “what should I do now mode.” It’s not a healthy way of thinking, I just care a lot and all of this is very important to me. So I should acknoledge what W says and then let it pass. What I am doing is letting this consume me, not healthy.
Head/Heart? Things are chaotic for me right now, does that mean chaotic love? If I open myself up, share my honest feelings with someone then my heart will show honesty, my heart will follow? I am trying to understand that one.
Learn to detach?? Part of me thinks that I wouldn't be on this forum if I was fully detached. I started to detach for a while but it hasn't been the case lately.
The last couple weeks have been even harder then normal. Yes, I need to settle down but you have to understand that my W’s been torturing me recently, it’s a bunch of bs!!!! She’s not trying to but I am letting her get the best of me. I've worked really hard to prepare myself to talk with my W and the feedback that all of you have provided helped a lot. I am getting new communication tools from some of my friends on this forum. I haven't used them much with W but it’s good to know they are in my arsenal and I intend to implement and use them for the rest of my life.
Yes, concentrating at work can be difficult at times and I need to focus more. In terms of my kids, I am an awesome dad, I can say it with confidence. I've always been there for my kids and they are the top priority. We have a lot of fun together and I constantly work with them to be the best they can be. My W, family and friends all know I am a good dad.
Well said???? Do I need to get my vision checked? Is that coming from 25 The fake it till you make it manta is very true. I need to tell myself that I am going to have a great day, that I can do this. All of us are on borrowed time and a lot of the time I take it for granted.
