Here we go again...

[someguy1233]

Some

Quick question...so IF you find that she is seeing someone else. What are you going to do?

Not suggesting that you confront or not..just wondering.

Eric

At this point, I think I would confront her with it. I'm trying to weigh the options now while I still have what's left of a level head. I know emotions will run even higher if an A is discovered.

[someguy1233]

About 30 minutes ago I received a call and voicemail from W's phone. I didn't answer seeing how it was 1am and I knew she was out for drinks again.

Her friend left the voicemail stating she had W and she"ll be sleeping on her couch... And that she's safe.

The following text conversation ensued:
W: I'm a f-ing idiot. I'm dying. Sleeping on Friend's couch. We need to figure our s--t out... Sorry for the insanity....
M: Exactly what "s--t" do you want to figure out?
W: All the s--t
W: I don't know what to do
W: (crying face)
W: dying.
M: What "don't you know" what to do? Dying how? Your messages are a bit cryptic. 
W: Ugh. Babe, I can't coherently answer any of that aside from saying I'm severely f-ed up. As you know. Can we talk tomorrow when you get home from your moms?
W: can't stop crying
M: Sure. We can talk after S goes to bed.  
W: That would be great...sorry to keep you up.
M: Sorry to hear you're not doing well. This is clearly really hard for you.  get some sleep and we'll talk tomorrow. 
W: Ok. Thanks (nickname for me)
W: Good night
M: Good night


I tried to get her to elaborate on exactly what she meant.
She could be wanting to figure out how to split, or trying to figure out what to do regarding us. I'm leaning towards the former, but I couldn't get her to clarify and didn't want to push it since she's been drinking. I wanted a better idea of what the conversation will be about.

[leopoldstotch]

sorry SG but I'm not buying that one

[someguy1233]

sorry SG but I'm not buying that one

I'm torn on if I believe it or not... She's clearly an emotional mess and her anxiety is out of control. I plan to check to call logs later to check on last night's activity. I'll do it after I get some work done this morning.

While typing this I received an email from her,
"So so very sorry about last night. (friend) blocked me from driving home. And rightfully so.

How is my S? I miss him so much it hurts (sad face)"

[someguy1233]

She's now asking me to send her pics of S because she misses him. Ugh. I feel like she should BE there if she wants to see him, not out drinking again.

My thread seemed to have disappeared off the forum view; I'm wondering if this post will bring it back.

[leopoldstotch]

Well SG she should be but her priorities are clearly all about her right now. I didn't necessarily mean she was at OM house though it was my first thought I just wouldn't put anything into her talking at all since she was drinking. For the record a woman who is unhappy in her M and out at happy hours all time is inviting trouble it happened to me and its happened to others I know. I feel for u bud hopefully everything works out for the best.

[someguy1233]

She sent me a picture of S and I from a few days ago.
I jokingly sent her a picture of a monkey in a diaper. There was a point where she used to like receiving funny messages. I haven't heard from her since.

Her phone activity is suspect again last night. There were a few very brief phone calls to a number I've been watching. I'm still at a loss as to how to prove a work A.

[ericmsant2]

Someguy

I am not here to tell you what to do. At the end of the day this is your life and the life of your family.

I did though want to make a couple of points...

You keep digging and trying to find out if she is having an afair, which on one hand I can totally understand. It can be consuming and it draining. FTR, I am not telling you to not snoop and not find out the info you need to make a CHOICE for YOU. Nope. That is your call. I am though wondering about the state that YOU are in right now. Let me explain....

I want to ask you a question...

Are you prepared to leave her? Are you prepared for the impact this will have on your family? The impact on finances? Are you prepared to stand for YOUR beliefs and pay whatever price you may need to pay? Albeit emotional, family or finances?

I'm asking becuase here is where I think you are at.

You are searching for the afair becuase you will confront in the HOPE that she changes her mind. YOU are gonna try to scare her into stopping the A...but YOU TOO are afraid.

You will confront because you are hurt and angry and the thought of her doing this to you again is very painful. But deep down inside you really want her to stop so you believe that confronting her will make stop.

I may be wrong here...I don't know...

If I am not, then you need to stop for a second and ask yourself what and why are you doing this.

Do you feel that you have changed enough and gave the R everything you had?

Are you willing to live a life without her and disrupt the family unit because of YOUR own personal boundaries and self wotth?

IMO, a lot of people confront as a tactic...wrong reason I believe.

I personally, think you only confront when you finally have had enough and you KNOW deep inside that YOU deserve better.

You confront when the outcome really does not matter....cause you know that you will be okay.

A lot of times it is almost a chicken or egg issue. You need to be firm in who YOU are and what YOU will tolerate i.e. "have a set"...however, when we get here to these boards we are afraid...afraid of losing our partners....so we become less that we deserve.

Think before you do what you think you need to do...make sure that you are okay with the outcome.

Have a plan of attack.

Do not react just in anger - boys do that. Men think chit through and then execute on a plan.

If you are going to go the route of confrontation are you really prepared for what may happen - are you scared?

Only You buddy know.....

Whatever you decide though...I have your back.

Finally, I couldn't help it but if I were you and I were the me that I am today....I would prepared for the worse...get all of my ducks in a row (legal, financial, etc.) and then and only then would I confront.

Why?

I would be operating from a position of strength instead of weakness.

I would now the battle I am going into.

I don't think you are ready...I think you are close...but not ready yet.

If you were ready....

Ugh. I feel like she should BE there if she wants to see him, not out drinking again.

You would not pu**y foot around the above and instead would tell her...in a very loving way...how you FEEL and what it is that you will accept.

Peace
Eric

[leopoldstotch]

Eric has made some very good points and one point I would add is if you are ready for whatever outcome may happen just make sure you have PROOF first and foremost. I know you have been through it before but the last thing you want to do is accuse your W of an A and she isn't having one. I can honestly say that when my W has both her affairs I was ready for any outcome from my actions.

The first time she had an A I wallowed in misery until one day I couldn't take it and knew something had to be done. I called her up on the phone and told her she had a choice to make it was either OM or me. She told me that she couldn't choose. I told her she had no choice but to choose. She then told me that I sound exactly like OM. He was pressuring her to decide between us. I was prepared to end our M but she chose me. It wasn't a magic bullet where she was ready to pack her bags and come home it still took quite some time to reconcile.

I understand that confronting an A is not for everyone but if you know that you have had enough of the A and you are willing to bear the outcome of possibly ending your M then you know what to do. I don't believe that we can love our S back to us when they are having an A. We can be the better option and all that but I believe the S having the A needs something to snap them out of that fantasy.

[someguy1233]

Thanks for the great posts Leo and Eric. I'll respond in greater detail when I'm at a computer. You've given me much to think about.