I find I am little confused about a couple of my 180's -- maybe me standing up is not a 180 for me and maybe it is
I am really upset with myself that I slipped into controlling again -- but I see that I was angry about her going out so much that I tried to block her from it - the concert on 10/13 I responded to go to the show because I knew that she would want to go and though I saw her on Friday and she didn't say she was going out I had a feeling by the way she asked me that she might have been planning something -- and I didn't come home to prevent it -- I had been 90% of things her way since April no arguements etc -- but she said - no matter how long you change you always go back to thinking about you first - which obviously I was doing here -- trying to reign her in and she reacted -- I was tired of babysitting for her - so I made a huge mistake -- from now on I will plan to do things I want to do BUT not to stop her from doing things -- I am hoping and praying I did not push her to far away this time. Though I was really selfish for a long time I have been working on caring for my son and her 1st Since March 2011. Basically before this my wife did what ever I wanted to do she would say sure, fine and not mean it -- I should have been more attentive to that !!!
She asked if I were taking her to the airport on Monday I said sure, she asked me again on Tuesday morning like 5 mins before she had to leave which I thought was odd -- but hey it's all odd - I took her to the airport hugged my son she turned away from me didn't say goodbye or thank you (not saying thank you really gets to me - not just from her but from anyone -- one more character defect to work on . Texted her yesterday "i want to talk to Mickey" she called this morning litterally the second I got off the plane and she said hi - I said whats up - she said you wanted to talk to your son - she put him on he can't really speak much on the phone - she tried to get him to talk more - but she got back on said he keeps handing me the phone back -- I said I would like to speak with him everyday - she said ok and hung up. So she is still really pissed at me -- but I am used to that -- the tables are turned on me -- I was so cranky for a long while and she put up with it - I feel awful for what I put her through !!! Its a revalation that we really did this to ourselves on some measure - I never would have looked at that if I didn't find this forum - A year ago she said "I need my big strong man back" I didn't know what she meant - I became needy and dependent instead of standing strong while she was depressed - my friend told you can't pull someone out of a ditch if you jump in there with them - pretty powerful stuff !!!!
Learning so much these days I purchased the book The Solo Partner read the 1st few chapters as well as the one on distance and pursuit man she was the persuer for so long maybe that's why I am so twisted how could anyone who wanted and needed me so badly just shut it all off so quickly.
So now it's back to me planning a week of working out - healthy and some not so healthy eating -- sun and fun - swimming and beaches -- lots of Prayer, Worship and Fellowship.
I think one of the greatest prayers I pray is that I will keep my faith, strength and confidence up I slip in to despair and sadness but I won't let myself stay there long -
I got you guys - and I am regaining myself - Thank GOD for all of you and Cool Runnings - peace be the journey.
Sunny
If someone decides there is no goodness in you they won't be able to see it. I'll take a BLT over a MLC anyday !!!
