I agree that the adultery is not justified, nor is the verbal and emotional abuse "okay" that they toss onto us. But it is happening, at the moment, so I think we have to have a context based on reality to change the framework in our minds to minimize the damage to our self-esteem, the damage to US.
For me, once I shone a light of reality upon what seemed, from all reports from W, her perfect soulmate, dream man, new life, "true self" ad nauseum, it dispelled all the soul wrenching thoughts and feelings of something horribly wrong with me, and I started to recover myself. I saw that it was not me, imperfect as I am, it was something with her.
W and I have talked about the first OM from back in 2009/2010 after the fact during the remission in the mlc. This is the one were I had NOT yet learned the dangers to me of snooping. The things I saw devastated me, and strangely, the non-sexual things hurt worse...all the fantasy dinner plans and such. After the affair was over, W couldn't believe the things she thought and said, she said they were not her, at all. And she couldn't understand why she couldn't let go of a guy who was cheating on his wife with two (known) other MARRIED women, that that normally is a total turn-off to her. But she thought she was "special" somehow. I think this 2nd round she burned/is burning through them repeating the same dynamic...you know, what they say about not learning the first time we are given opportunity to learn it again, and again, until we do? That's just a gut feeling I have gotten, nothing yet known as fact.
So the point I am taking so long to get to is that, Heather, OW is not getting anything better than you, though it may seem like it now because she "has" H and you don't. She has Mr. High, Mr. Damaged. There are tons of predators out there that are looking for some drama, some break from the ennui of their shallow lives, without having any responsibility. For example, there is a meme of males who actively target middle-aged, married women because you can "get the milk without buying the cow"...their H's get to pay for the maintenance, the kids, the car, the groceries and all the responsibility, the predators get the fun...and the same exists in the female world as well.
So Heather, what is the OW? She is going after a married guy with a substance abuse issue...man, she sounds like a high quality, moral person that you should envy....NOT!!!!! Those facts alone put her beneath you. This is not about you, a total rejection of you, though H may say it is. This is about him, and he is "affairing down" because he needs someone more f*-ed up than he is to feel something good about himself.
Feel your feelings, get p*ssed off as all hell, then feel through it, and look at the underlying reality of the A. Then let it go, please do not let it destroy the gold that is YOU. Once you can re-frame it, it has so much less power.
Sorry for the long-winded post, I have put a lot of time into this issue over the last 3 years because I struggled with it so.
Btw, Anderson's book is excellent...man did it dig up lots of stuff for me regarding abandonment, one of my hard core issues through life.
This too shall pass, Heather, it does get better, really (and I did not believe that for a LONG time).
Hang in there!!
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
