Don't ya just want to say to him to get a new tune? I mean can't they be a bit more imaginitive when it comes to reason to follow this course of action than repeating the same things (which as your C said, no longer exist)???? I just don't get it!
I never did send H the first chapter of DR. Didn't need to, he ended up coming to that conclusion on his own after reading 'the road less travelled'. I don't know that it would have made much difference had his mind been made up and it was only going to be my last ditch effort.
I think that you're detaching well, it's only these unexpected things that throw ya, but they throw us all!
Please let yourself be open to opportunities, which you can do and yet leave the door open to your H a crack. Let him see what life will be like without you in it and see how he likes it! You deserve so much more than this treatment. If he doesn't realise what he is giving up, then he is an idiot and not worth you.
Sorry, feeling very cynical today. I just get sick of the whole thing and wish that these fools could wake up and smell the coffee or at least work with what they have rather than idealise some thing that just isn't true. As the saying goes 'Better the devil you know!'.
I know there is fear in facing a future that wasn't what you expected, but there is also opportunity. It is up to us to grasp this opportunity and make it work for us, play the cards we're dealt and all that.
Seriously, I made a commitment to myself early on that I would not "survive", but would keep using my experience as best I could to grow, learn and become stronger.
I figured this was the best way to improve my relationship with ME and also with my H.
So, I keep a list of things I have accomplished and ways I have grown since my S. This motivates me a good deal because I feel like I have made progress, tackled fears, accomplished things, etc.
You have no doubt grown and matured much during this journey. I'm sure you have made lots of progress, tackled many fears, and accomplished so many things. Being confident and happy with who you are will make you feel better and you will just emit that energy. Everyone will pick up on it, even the old curmudgeon hiding in his cave that you love! You're a great person Deb, don't forget it!
I guess that is why DR says to focus on ourselves first. Hey, how was that facial?
Quote: Seriously, I made a commitment to myself early on that I would not "survive", but would keep using my experience as best I could to grow, learn and become stronger.
I figured this was the best way to improve my relationship with ME and also with my H.
So, I keep a list of things I have accomplished and ways I have grown since my S. This motivates me a good deal because I feel like I have made progress, tackled fears, accomplished things, etc.
Wonder - I LOVED this. It gave me a lift out of my semi-melancholy, because my thoughts are too H-centered today. It reminded me that that is my goal, too! And I am going to start a separate journal that just lists positive experiences or ways I have grown through this sitch. Thank you for inspiring me.
(Have you ever wondered whether on some level we bring these situations into our lives because some part of us realizes we need to grow, and only something drastic could force it? This is something I ponder sometimes).
Anyway, thinking of you often. {{{{{{{{{{Wonder}}}}}}}}}}
Quote: Have you ever wondered whether on some level we bring these situations into our lives because some part of us realizes we need to grow, and only something drastic could force it? This is something I ponder sometimes
Well Wonder.....do you think Azure hit the nail on the head with this one??? I DO!!!
Actually, I believe that God may have brought us to this place to help us to grow within and in our faith...and the way Azure decribed it makes sense to me at some level. We are all on a journey....and we have found each other here as support while we navigate the maze of our R.
Just had to comment of this....it hit me....and I'm stealing the idea of journalling just on my own positive changes as I am soul-searching and moving in a forward direction
Quote: Everyone will pick up on it, even the old curmudgeon hiding in his cave that you love!
You know... people actually DO mention this to me quite often... one of our mutual friends jokingly calls me "the new (Wonder)".
Even the curmudgeon himself has noticed a whole lot... at first he made sarcastic remarks, then more wistful remarks, then compliments, then seemed to be acting as if it's not real and that I am really who I was at the most painful and reacting (for me) times of our sitch.
C suggested to me this-- that I have shown H very clearly how he's been wrong that things can't change, that we couldn't be so close again, that he couldn't be forgiven and start over with his W. He knows. And that is the best I can do.
Curmudgeon is a good word... when he was at the house last time, it was as if -- in the midst of having a good time-- he was also looking for little negative things to bring to my attention-- really minor things like dishes not being done or a spot in the bathroom or the location of our home. I let it all go, though.
I figure if that is the best he can come up with to make digs about, I've done great. Of course the idea that he'd make any dig at me is a complete 180. That isn't who he ever was.
That's it. This is Bizarro H.
I haven't been for that facial yet... still need to make the appt. And I'm thinking sooner rather than later.
Azure and Mooka, that is a really interesting thought. I do believe that we're meant to learn something important here, but I am not sure I personally believe we drew adversity to ourselves in order to learn it.
I think my perspective is more that in every negative situation there is something we need to learn that can turn it back into a positive situation-- and that often the difficulty shakes us up enough to get real about learning it.
I guess seeing how far we have come in our interactions in such a difficult and painful time just makes it seem such a great waste to me to throw all that work away without ever seeing it through.
Most important, I am learning that key to being happy is to figure out what my real values are and how to match my choices to them. Working on that has changed my attitude dramatically-- and it makes decision making far, far easier. I can see how much compromising on that one thing has torn my Hs life in pieces.
Isn't the list idea great? A friend suggested that to me and I am very grateful to her.
Wonder ~ You sound great. I am proud of you and consider you to be an inspiration, especially when I am a little down right now!
I truly believe this......
Quote: think my perspective is more that in every negative situation there is something we need to learn that can turn it back into a positive situation-- and that often the difficulty shakes us up enough to get real about learning it.
It really helps me to get through this, especially when I look at the "big picture". It seems loking at the details and analyzing H's behavior is wht gets me down!
As for next steps...you know the routine...what would be a 180 for you??
Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.... (thoreau)
Wonder, how do you change titles within your thread like that??
I'm amazed and pleased that you sound so good. It shows that your hard internal work has paid off. Tonight when I have some time to myself, I am starting my list.
