My Story Part 2: WAW's New Man

[twisted9999]

So what do YOU want ???

I want to be happy. I want my wife to be happy. I want to be a better father, person, someone that can be loved for who i am. Someone who does not let games control my life. I dont want to be misserable anymore. I want to move on but at the same time I dont because i really do love my wife and it really is so hard because i see her at least 2-3 times a week and when i call she usually answers the phone its a constant reminder of all the pain i am hold inside me. I am trying so hard to detach from her. Just when I think i am OK something comes up that rocks my world. Like last night when I called to tell my kids good night my daughter told me she had friends over and told me their names....they are the other guys kids. I thought she was keeping it a secret from her family but her mother was at the house too. I just feel betrayed and lied too.

What do you think that you should do ???

I am not sure. That is why i see 2 therapist and post on this forum. I know that I have to detach and i know that i can not control her and she will do whatever she thinks she needs to do. Having kids makes this difficult because we are in constant contact. I try and not contact her unless need be. I just feels like the more I dont contact her the more she pulls away.

How would you like to be different in your next relationship ? (which can be with your current spouse)

The first thing that needed to change and that I have changed is that getting my addiction in control. I know that no matter what I want to be or how I want to act if i can not get this addiction in control then everything is for naught. I see myself in my next relationship being a better husband by being supportive of her and taking on some of the task that i just let others do. I would compliment her and tell her how much she means to me. Not hold back my feelings or thoughts like i did before. I am not talking being all mushy but sit down and have a adult conversation with her. I would be a better father, more family time, play with the kids more, help with the raising of them.

Twisted, you come across as very defensive...something that you said was a problem for you in your marriage.../quote] I am not trying to be defense. I am stress to the max right now. I work 2 jobs to make ends meet. I wake up at 5 am and get home at 11pm Mon, Wed, Thur. Sat and sunday I work 8 hours shifts. I am pulling in 70+ hours a week. I get very little time with my children. My wife activily pursuing some other guy. its just really overwhelming and my defensivness is probably a direct result of this. I am trying my hardest to not revert back to my old habbits and I admit sometimes they rear their ugly heads and this is something i am try to work on.

[quote] Then you said that you were different now...

How so ???

I see a difference in me. My friends see difference in my and so does my wife and family. I have become an 100% better father. Spending as much time as i can with them going out instead of staying home with them. I am cheerful and try and look at the bright side of things. I am doing things to better myself, like running and working out. I try to do things with friends but with my schedule there is little time for me. I am more open about my feeling with my family and friends and I try not to hold back like i did in the past.

Is your argument better ?

I have not gotten into an argument with my wife since the split. Not because i am activily trying not to. I do it because i hate argments. They are stressful and alot of times dont lead to anything positive. We would fight on a almost daily basis not huge fights but snarky comments and passive aggressiveness. I was misserable in my marriage and it had nothing to do with my wife or kids but I did take it out on them. I was in a very dark and lonely place. My every waking moment was consumed about thoughts of what boss we will kill this week or what strat will we use on the next boss fight. I would stay up in bed for hours thinking about this stuff. It made me a horrible person to be around.

Are you defending with a different strategy ?

Not sure what you mean her please elaborate.

How important is it for you, to be right ?

In the past it was my number one goal. Right now I admit when I am wrong and have not problems with that. I know that I am not perfect, no one is. I could care less if i am right or wrong because when I am wrong i look at it as a learning experience.

I see you as a guy, who is on the cusp of losing everything that he didn't value, until he was faced with losing it. I see a guy who is beyond remorseful, and who will do anything to achieve that.

True, they say addicts dont get better till they hit rock bottom. My guilt over my marriage sometimes consumes me. I am getting better at letting go of the past. It just the thought that my wife would rush into the arms of the first person that gave her any attention so soon after the separation hurts so bad. I am here waiting, willing to do my all to make her happy and she knows it. And yet she chooses to get into a relationship with a person she barely knows over the person that spent the last 11 years together with, the person that fathered her children.

I see a guy who is carrying around a huge bucket of guilt for the things that he could have done better, and is willing to defend the person that he is NOW, against who he was then.

True. The guilt like i said before is overwhelming because i know i had a addiction and sometimes i use that as a excuse for my action. Deep down I know that I could have been better i could have decided not to let my addiction control me. Instead i choose not too. I choose to be the person that i was all those years and destroy everything that I loved in the process. I defend myself for the person i am now because i so want to believe that I am changing and that these changes are real and long lasting. I am so afraid to go back to that horrible person. I look back and see what i did, said, and i find myself hating myself. Hate is a strong word...i hate that person and i hate myself for letting it get so bad.

I see a guy that extremely guilt driven. Whose actions are all coming from guilt. And his guilt is driving him to become something that he is not prepared to follow through with in the long run.

Is this true? Only time will tell. I know one thing though....no matter what happens I will never pick up another game again. Not because of guilt because I hate games. I hate everything about them because i know see how it ruined everything I loved. Like i said before I would like to believe that these changes are real and long lasting. I hope that guilt is not the main driver now. I know in the beggining it was. As time went on I became happier, not at my situation but happier at the person I had become. The thing is I like this new me. I have made friends with people I never would have talked to in the past. Done things that i never thought i would do. So I hope they are for real. Hope is all i have right now.

I see a guy who is willing to scream from the mountaintops that he is different, without providing any depth to back that up.....yet.

Probably true. I guess i am not sure how else to go about having depth. Making lasting changes is difficult. Do i think i can do it? yes. Do i think i am making progress in this department? Yes. Do i think i am their yet? Not by a long shot.

I see a guy who uses words to his advantage, to talk his way out of any situation. A guy who says...."well, you just don't understand" , instead of letting his actions speak for him.

True. I was/am a master of using words to get out of things...how do you think i lasted so long in the relationship with my wife. I used alot of talking to convince her that I would stop playing games, be nicer, be a better father, etc. My actions though said otherwise. I would stop for a while but really i never stopped. I would just hid it from her. The difference between now and then is I am on my own. I could easily stop going to therapy, start playing games, pick the kids up and just sit there and let them play by themselve. I choose not to. I choose to be a better person not because I feel it will win my wife back because honestly at this point I think i have a better chance at winning the lottery. Instead i do it because i enjoy not being consumed by games, enjoy letting it all my emotions out without being judged by my therapist, enjoy playing with my kids.

I see a guy who wants to be different, yet applies just enough to get the desired results..

Maybe this is true. I try and think it is not. I hope that this is not true. I do want to be different and do see changes. Drastic changes at that. People that i am friends with make comments like who are you? you are not the person I once knew". I also may be fooling myself.

I see a guy, who can do anything that he chooses to do....

This is true. I have no doubt in my mind that this is true. I am a very persistant person and when i want something or want to do something I very rarely fail because i work hard at accomplising my goals.

Read back through your threads...and you tell me what advice you deflected, and what advice you ignored, defended yourself, and created a diversion, instead of reflecting it internally, and seeing how it could have helped you.

The first thing is detaching. I have got to do a better job at it. I was doing so good then the other guy came into the picture and put me back at square one. Not being there to help out. I admit I did way too much of this. I have scaled back drastically. Snooping is another thing i have been told to stop and I did. once i found out about this other dude i once again when back to square one. I did it at first because I didnt want to believe she would move on so fast so it was to try and find a sign it was not happening....i know that was not the case now. I was doing so good at all these things and once i had a feeling she was talking to someone else i went into crisis mode. Asking if she needed any help. Paying for stuff i didnt have to, etc. After it was confirmed I scaled back drastically.

I remind myself of this daily...

"Seek to understand, and then you will be understood"

What does that mean to you ???

I think it means that until you seek to understand the situation you are in, how your people feel, what i are doing wrong, etc you will never be understood and will give off mixed signals. Not sure if that makes any sense.