My Story Part 2: WAW's New Man

[ericmsant2]

Twisted

You’re an accountant I think…with a Masters degree so you must be a really bright guy.

Consistency…what does that mean to you?

9 years (the duration that you were married) is 3,285 days give or take a few days for leap year.

On 9/5 or 43 days ago.. you said…

At the beginning she was somewhat open to R if I were to show true change but I have kind of pushed her away and now she does not know if it is too late for R but she is still somewhat open to it.

Moved out 5 weeks ago and she filed for a Petition for Divorce

5 weeks ago is about 76 days ago.

Will not go to marriage counseling till I fix myself and she also will not consider dating during the separation.

And do you think in 76 days you have FIXED yourself? Hmmm…I am three years post bomb and guess what..honestly, I still have not fixed EVERYTHING.

so my early life was faced with a lot of loneliness. I also had a rather large settlement from my biological dads death that allowed me to go through college/high school without having to work AKA never got a chance to grow up.

Never had a chance to “grow up”. Do you think you can grow up in 76 days?

Before I get into the rest of my post….

3,285 days (the number of days you were married) – 76 days = 3,209 days. The 3,209 days represent the number of days that you were married minus 76 days of "good behavior". …..3,209 days is 97.68% of the total number of days. 76 days is 2.32% of the number of days. So which odds would you play...the 97.68% or the 2.32%? Which is determine consistency?

So if I understand some of the issues were…..

I was not ready to grow up and be married

would spend most of my time playing online video games

She on the other hand was supporting us with her job

I was so preoccupied with gaming that I would neglect both her and my daughter.

The first year of life I had never fed her, rarely changed a diaper, would not stay up with her, and was sleeping in another room so that I would not “roll on top of her” but really I was in the computer room playing games. This went on for the next 3 years

Hmmm….3 years vs. 43 days.

when I was not being emotionally there for her

I became jealous of her relationship with my wife and would lash out at her

Hmmm…maybe some of the defense issues that Mach mentioned….

So I did not fully participate in the counseling and we only went to 1 session

“you make decisions in life and you will have to live with the consequence”. I ignored this and did it anyway only playing 2 nights a week.

she just did it so I would not argue with her. When she didn’t want to have sex I would guilt her into it or get pissed and she would sometimes give in.

would lash out at people, and was an all-around miserable person to be around

we were constantly fighting and she would feel like she was walking on eggshells around me until she just gave up

I was selfish and put my own needs before everyone else.

I would hide the fact I spent money on games and lie to her about monthly subscriptions or the fact I was even playing them

She kicked me out and said if I don’t find a job she would not let me back

Wife got sick of this and threatened to kick me out. But let me back in that same day

Looks like early on she was unhappy and the only way to get a response from you was to…

She kicked me out and said if I don’t find a job she would not let me back. I got off my butt and found a job and she let me back in after a few days

Kick you out, which appears to have worked.

When she finally was tired and realized that YOU were not changing ….

My wife stopped nagging me

She gave UP.

I have done a complete 180 when it comes to being a father.

Yes over 76 days….

I am not trying to cause you undo pain man…I just hope you see what I see (I have been where you are – I know the pain very well)…

I love you and I care a great deal about you, I don’t regret marrying you, I am no longer angry with you, you were not a horrible husband and we did have good times, I just said those things because I was angry, I am not doing this to hurt you and I don’t like to see you in pain. But she also said she does not love me romantically and does not think she ever could and that was not normal.

Ouch I know that hurt. The feeling of knowing you f’d up. It [censored]. The guilt you probably feel, wanting to go back in time and redo it.

Wanting the world to know that YOU changed….

But why did you change? Did you really not like you? If you didn’t, then to my earlier point…do you really think you could change in almost 80 days?

As I was reading your thread I realized just how much sound advice you were being given….

You have to prove yourself to her. Just because you suddenly changed your wasys? Doesn't mean she should or has to believe you. I wouldn't. You like I did have years of damage to undo.

this is an ideal time for you to redefine your previous concept of "patience" and "time".

Hmmmm…70 something days…ya think that time is something that needs to be redefined.

Stop pressuring her. Let it be HER choice.

if you continue to push, it's the fastest way for her to say no.

These changes as long as they aren't to 'trick' her into coming back, but that you made them for yourself and yourself alone? Then they have the best chance of sticking, and if they do, she has the best reason to believe in them...even though that belief will only come in time.

I think having your W there is a terrible idea. She's going to go there to show others (not you) that she tried. She's going to feel ganged up by you and the C, then get defensive and come up with a HUGE list of faults of yours. And maybe throw in a line like "I see he's changing, but I don't trust them, etc."

And just some of your defenses….

I am not trying to pressure her to go. I told her it is up to her when I talked to her yesterday but I also need to know by the end of the day before it is too late.

I have been backing off from her trust me

When I proposed the idea to her I said yes the main goal is to heal a marriage but more importantly it is about learning to communicate and that my therapist, who agrees that counselling is not really a good idea right now, said we would both benefit from it.

Probably viewed as manipulative. And FTR, it is WHAT YOU WANTED.

I will let her know it is too late for next week and if she still wants to go there is one available in Mar. if she is willing to go or if she is willing to drive to Texas there is one in October.

Still did not get YOUR way so you are gonna “let her know” ….or in my words…”talk to her about it”. Hmmm…maybe there is some truth to you trying to talk your way out of this.

"My therapist called and let me know she had talked to you and what you said. I am sorry I offered it I honestly did not know it would upset you".

Another defense of your postion…and another example of…Oh….you talking again.

I told her that if someone truly loved someone they would let them go and that I was ready to move on without her and I didn't need her in my life that I just want her to be happy.

Really…let her go. That was not sincere IMO and she probably knew it.

In terms of the changes that you are making for YOU….
On 9/24 you said…

I truly am in a happier place and I am doing the changes for me.

The very next day you said….

So what should I do? Should I continue my 180 because she is seeing the changes and says she finally respects me that she never respected me.

Twisted…reading your thread is like going back in time for me. It is quite painful but I have much much better picture/sense of where you are.

Twisted, I would suggest that you go back over your posts and read them again…draw out a timeline…

I want you to really think about this…(in addition to all of the chit that Mach put out there for you)..

Whose actions are all coming from guilt. And his guilt is driving him to become something that he is not prepared to follow through with in the long run.

IMO, guilt may start the process of change. It is the true internal desire to want more…to become the best…REGARDLESS of the OUTCOME that will make these changes last.

Twisted…you really can do “this”. As long as you know what ‘this” is, who this is for you and WHY you are doing it.

Do you want more in your life (and I am not talking about your W)?

Do you want to really…finally…once and for all….”grow up”?

Do you want to be the best MAN that side of the miss?

What do YOU really want Twisted and what are you will to pay to get it?

Do you think you are strong enough to give up everything you have known….

Something is out there for you Twisted…those demons…the one you have been running from….they can be addressed once and for all…

It takes more than 76 days OR .0232%

God Bless,
Eric