Now Separated, Am I doing the right things?

[25yearsmlc]

Rough,

You're changing with the wind or whatever mood strikes you, so it's no wonder your w's reactions to you are not consistent.

Here are a few of your quotes and THEN we can get to just this one post (b/c I lack the time to dissect how off putting some of your posts are. Not all, but many)...

Here you go. You said:
I am doing my best to take the focus off W. Things are back to the “somewhat businesslike” routine. For now, it might be for the best.

THEN You said:

I had one or two conversations with W within the last week. It was the first time in almost 5 months. It was time to take the temperature, so to speak. By doing so I might have given the impression I am “on the shelf.” I don’t regret having the dialog with her. I believe it sent her running a bit.

I don't know what that^^^ last part means...

but THEN THESE OTHER POSTS BELOW


I do feel like I am in a hellish place right now. Ive been going through this stage where I really miss my W, more then usual. I will work through it though, someway, somehow---
-----
I used to receive brief texts and emails from W and those have stopped. Enough of this for now because there’s no need to have the focus on W. It’s just something I’ve noticed, that’s all.
------

I'am becoming as nervous as a hooker in church when replying to W’s texts, especially after AT’s recent posts.


Rough, look at this^^^!!! Your words & thoughts and feelings are all over the place. Whatever she says or does NOT say, or does not text...OMG learn to detach...each emotion passes by, you grip it and hold onto it til the next one stops by. Know this-----
Where the head goes, the heart will follow.

Which means you have to Start thinking straight.

You're obsessing, you sound so pre-occupied I cannot imagine how you are concentrating at work or with the children...are you "there" for them? IS it really fair for you to keep going this way and Not get any help?

Please, settle down. Remember another quote of YOURS here...


I need to remember that life's to short and we can't predict the future. I need to make the most of what I've got, easier said than done sometimes.
----

Well said! THAT^^^^ Is your mantra!...Make it yours - b/c the words are!

Hey Arsene, I am not a d!ck but that's a lot more courtesy then I would offer up. ---

No offense Rough, but Arsene's basic courtesy is just that: ie., basic.

Your inability to muster up a greeting is immature and unattractive.
Worse, If you say something nasty, that makes you sound like what you just denied being (i.e., a "dick").

Even when you're furious, be civil. Period. It's called having no regrets later b/c you behaved like a real man does, when he's dealt a blow.

No tantrums or stomping feet or yelling or cursing or Not being able to look in the eyes of the mother of your children.

I hope you'll take this feedback knowing it's meant to help you. Being civil is always called for, being warm is nearly always a good idea,

(though a few exceptions in DB land might apply as to how "warm"). A lack of civility, or rudeness and vulgarity are Not an approach that will win anyone over, ever.

Oh, And it's a lousy thing to model for your kids.


I just found out a couple things. So my W’s sister was watching my son earlier today, it was because of a birthday party he attended. I've only seen W’s sister once since our separation, she and I have always got a long really well, she wants us to work things out, she doesn’t like what my W is doing.

How do you know this? And are you speaking to the sister about it? Read the Rules again...it's NOT a good idea. You can find inner solace knowing you have allies but you cannot DO anything about it. Backfires so many times.

She’s very close to my W, heck there sisters.


and they will always be sisters. You won't "win" if you ask her to choose so, keep to yourself. Get support from people who are NOT related to your w b/c if she hears from them, that you've given "your side" of things, she'll tell HER SIDE and you won't manage as well after that.

The more folks who hear "the sides" the harder it is to reconcile. Are you Keeping the Road Home, Paved & Smooth, or what?

Her side does not even have to be true either...
---. Anyway, W's sister and my mom have always got along well. I guess they ended up chatting for over an hour today. I received some interesting third party intel, which I feel is accurate.

Supposedly W hasn’t been talking to her parents, this is rare. My guy tells me her parents don’t agree with her choices either. They’ve been married for over 35 years.

This^^^ is a waste of your time, thoughts, brain cell activities, etc. Talk to the source or your communication problems will keep repeating themselves and you'll be STUCK forever... This "conflict avoidant - going around the source" and never being honest/open WITH the person involved, is a big issue of yours. Work on it.


It sounds like the brief conversation I had with W a week or so ago had an impact on her. It was the talk we had about me still loving her, I am married and behaving as such, etc…..Anyway, W had no idea where I stood, she thought I had moved on. I guess W called her sister and was crying a lot.


Gee, maybe showing some courtesy (Like Arsene) would have helped?

What did you Learn from this experience?

You won't get endless chances to right the ship.

Though it's possible your w isn't telling the truth, we can cross that bridge if & when we get to it.



Oh, I bet you’ve never heard this one before, W feels I havent been fighting for her. Ha, whatever, we don’t need to hash this one out again, if you know what I mean.


Rough, that ^^^ paragraph of yours is confusing as hell. First, I assume you're being sarcastic when you say you bet we "have not heard this one before", b/c we have heard it. Not sure if you believe it's rare, so I had to mention that it's not rare in case you thought it was. Regardless...

Then you say you heard someone say that your wife does Not feel you've fought for her. I don't know what went into that comment but it would give most men pause, but to that, YOU say "Ha, whatever...we don't need to hash this out again, if you know what I mean."

No, I don't know what you mean.

You sound dismissive, a bit smug and cynical. Maybe you are trying to say she's lying or is insincere or crazy. IF SO, just say that so it's clear.

I can't help but wonder if you are this unclear with the way you express yourself with her. Granted, these communications are all in written form, but many people write more "calmly" and more clearly than when they speak.

Just some food for thought. Be clear when you speak and do not assume or insinuate in these situations. Misunderstandings are the last thing you need now.

At the end of the day, I dont know if this means much. I could be wrong but even though these are intersting pieces of information, W is going to do what she wants.

^^^another oblique comment.

Yes your w is going to do what she wants. And you? Here's my real question for you...

Do you think your actions or behavior matter at all in this situation AND OR possibly helped get you here?

If you don't think your behavior matters at all, then why post here? Just wait and see what happens in your life b/c someone else is in charge...

BUT IF YOU DO think it matters, then focus on what YOU are going to do DIFFERENTLY...and or figure out what YOU want.

You're as confused sounding as she is, to me.

Good luck.