Riding the Bull

[Starsky309]

Hmmm, Does he actually acknowledge that OW is then also a problem? You wonder where they get their rationale for all this. In a way, I think that something is their brain simply stops working because what they are doing is so out of character that the brain itself doesn't understand what's going on so it creates an alternate reality to stop itself from going insane.

You've got it exactly right, Arsene. There's even a name for it -- "compartmentalization." It's a way for the wayward's brain to maintain its moral and intellectual equilibrium in the face of self-behavior that is antithetical to it.


Starsky

[Starsky309]

From my personal archives:


For the record, re: the "back-dating" thing. Some cheating spouses lie about when their contact with OM/OW started, but more often, they lie about when they say they were "done" with the marriage, emotionally. Or at a minimum, they never adequately conveyed the depth of their unhappiness to their spouse, who then later gets blindsided by the affair.

Manipulating these two dates -- when they were emotionally "done" with the marraige, and when they first behaved inappropriately with their OP -- is the basic foundation upon which the wayward spouse will build their entire "compartmentalization" paradigm.

Put more simply, it's how they justify their destructive decision-making and behavior.

[Arsene]

I don't know why this depresses me. W just text me to say her mom called today and offered to buy her a small scooter on credit so W needs my electricity bill (I guess to show that she lives in a house as oppose to in a boarding house).

MIL doesn't yet know what her daughter is doing and how buying her a scooter she will be helping her manage on her own, while she destroys her family.

I don't suppose it changes a heck of a lot to the sitch, but for some reasons, I'm affected by this.

I need to detach and stop caring so much about everything that happens in her life. I thought I was getting a life but I'm struggling. I'm at that bar right now, watching that blues band and I've been approached by a woman (obviously on the take) and I don't really want to be here. I want to be home, with my family.

I hate this!

[Starsky309]

This has been going on since 2010 and her own mother doesn't know what she's doing? How is that even possible?

I certainly hope you're not lying to cover for her affair, are you?


Starsky

[Arsene]

The last time I saw her mom was before leaving for my own country in May and back then I thought we were fine again. Mom lives in another city. W won't tell her for obvious reasons, she knows she's wrong. My contact with mom is usually when I'm with W. We've never communicated just me and her due to the language difference. And I've not seen her or talked to her since W left.

[figure-it-out]

Hi Arsene,
Sorry you're feeling down today. I know just how you feel.

Enjoy the band and then get home to that D of yours. I'm sure she will be thrilled to see you and brighten your day.

I'll remind you of what you told me. Try and forget about it. A scooter will not determine your outcome. Your W will continue to destroy your family until she decides not to and you decide you can rebuild it on your own with or without her. I think you're doing great and admire your perseverance!

[Arsene]

Thanks FIO,

I know that it's all I can do about it. It's just that since we started getting closer a few week ago, I lost whatever little detachment I had and now I can feel every thing so much. She is starting to affect me intensely again and I'm struggling with this.

Last night, on my way back from the blues bar, I worked myself up into a fit of anger. Anger about how she says she's happy but how she doesn't see everyone she's hurting to achieve something she admits herself comes from within anyway.

I was angry because not only did she give up on us at the beginning, in 2010 when she started the EA, but again by staying in touch with OM through out the year I thought we were seriously working on thing and then to dump all that stuff on me about not being this or that when in the meantime, she'd already made up her mind.

I also feel anger because, even now, seeing how serious I am about saving our relationship and our family, she is again giving up on us by simply sticking to her fling instead of taking perhaps the last chance we have at saving this.

So much anger for all the lies and deception. Sure I might not have been the best of husbands but never in my life would I have put her through what she is putting me through now, and that consciously.

It leads to the question, why would I want to be back with this woman? Is she really as worth it as i thought she was? Or have I been deceived for the last 10 years?

By the time I got home last night, I couldn't see the road for the tears of rage, and of sadness that were filling my eyes.

This morning, I still feel ambivalent, but when in doubt keep doing what you do, so I wrapped that rope again around my wrist and straightened up, and I hope I can find the rhythm and match it again.

[roughenough]

It leads to the question, why would I want to be back with this woman? Is she really as worth it as i thought she was? Or have I been deceived for the last 10 years?

By the time I got home last night, I couldn't see the road for the tears of rage, and of sadness that were filling my eyes.

^^^^^^Beeeeelieve me Arsene, I darn well know what your talking about. Especially the sadness, I had to step out of the office today because I was really choked up. In terms of your questions, did you see the post I just made on eyesopen's thread? It really speaks to me, maybe you as well?

[Arsene]

Thanks Rough,

I know I'll be fine. I know this is just a set back, perhaps thoughts which have gone unspoken for too long, perhaps because I am ashamed of having them, perhaps because I know they detract me from the work I have to do. Acc's post did help. I'm not giving up now. I just need to re-focus and start plowing ahead, without being affected by W's comings and goings. I need to step back, majorly, as everyone has been telling me for quite some time now.

Cheers mate!

[ForeverYoung]

It leads to the question, why would I want to be back with this woman? Is she really as worth it as i thought she was? Or have I been deceived for the last 10 years?

Remember Amy's post? You know most of those years were real.

So you (husbands of MLC wives) really are holding something precious that no one else has; you're holding the real truth about your lives together. You're the only one that's going to understand her when she comes back. You're all that's going to be familiar and if you're not there...

Doesn't mean she's "worth it" now, or that you can't issue an ultimatum. Just because you're a rodeo star doesn't mean you have to ride that bull forever.

Peace and Love your way Arsene.